I feel like we’re only a matter of time from a primetime gameshow called “Who’s Lupita Nyong’o Dating?” because everyone and their mom NEEDS TO KNOW who the Oscar winner is letting take her to Red Lobster (not a euphemism; actually meant Red Lobster). Personally, I’m just relieved she’s no longer linked to HPV Hipster Emo Jesus Jared Leto.
According to the Daily Mail, rumours started to swirl around Lupita and Somali-Canadian rapper K’naan (government name: doesn’t matter, all I can think about is dipping naan bread into butter chicken sauce) after K’naan was seen holding Lupita’s Oscar and hugging her outside of the Live! with Kelly and Michael studio. K’naan also Instagrammed a picture of the two of them in December but it’s just their teeth, so that could mean they’re dating or just that they’re in some Dental Appreciation Club. But I’m going to choose to believe they’re dating because as far as Canadian rappers go, Lupita picked a good one. The heirachy is as follows:
J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys
Tom Green that time he had a rap career
And if you’re into a dude who can get you day-old donuts at the end of his shift at Tim Hortons, Snow
I like these two together; the nerd in me enjoys that “Nyong’o K’naan” sounds like the name of an over-it Klingon waitress from the nice Sizzler on Rigel V. Mazel you two! Mazel for as long as it takes before someone catches Lupita high-fiving Jake Gyllenhaal or photo-bombing Adam Driver, and K’naan is given the boot from “Who’s Lupita Nyong’o Dating?” (so…what do we think? About 24-hours?)
…as Jared Leto snatches the last breath out of your mouth with his spectacular beauty. And I see that Emily from Revenge disguised herself as a PA and is back to her old schemes.
After Jennifer Lawrence stole another piece of America’s heart by busting out a staged, choreographed and manipulative STUNT QUEEN fall on the red carpet at the Oscars yesterday (yes, my name is Michael and I am a Jennifer Lawrence Fall Truther), she lost the Best Supporting Actress Oscar to Lupita Nyong’o and backstage she jokingly tried to steal the trophy. What won’t that shameless white she-devil do for attention?! But really, Jennifer Lawrence was the Jennifer Lawrence-iest last night, but when Lupita won she seemed excited, happy and kind of relieved. Jennifer Lawrence was probably relieved because if she won she was planning to out-do her fall from last year by taking a falling anvil to the head during her speech. When Lupita’s name was announced, Jennifer’s assistant was in the rafters above and said, “phew,” before pulling up that anvil and calling it a day.
And yes, Lupita’s speech was the best:
Even the soulless, emotionless fancy komodo dragon from Neptune that is Benedict Cumberbatch felt feelings and got the weepies in his eyes during Lupita’s speech. They’re starting to FEEL.
Here’s Lupita at the Oscars and also some pictures of her and Jennifer Lawrence at Vanity Fair’s party. No to Lupita’s Claire’s headband and no to Jennifer Lawrence’s hair. Jennifer Lawrence probably figured that Slick Willie would be at one of the parties and he’d never hit on her if she had Hillary Clinton hair. Wise move, JLaw.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 3, 2014
If you woke up after a long coma and saw all those Veneers and soul-sucking eyes looking at you, you’d probably fall back into a coma and be happy about it. During the 52-hour-long circle jerk extravaganza that is the Oscars, Ellen DeGeneres took a group selfie with Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep, Channing Tater (I think), Julia Roberts, Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Lupita Nyong’o, St. Angie Jolie, Lupita’s brother and some other hos. Ellen asked everyone to re-tweet it and apparently it broke Twitter for a second. And seeing Kevin Spacey make the O face he’d make if he was hitting it from the back broke my soul for a minute.
During his acceptance speech for winning Best Supporting Actor at the Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA yesterday, ageless vampire Jared Leto fanned the flames of the rumor that his luscious, highlighted locks have brushed up against Lupita Nyongo’s nipples maybe once or twice. Lupita was on Ellen last week and when Ellen asked her about the rumor she joked that Miley Cyrus’ yeast infection tongue broke up their love. But Lupita didn’t deny her chocha is screaming for Jesus after bouncing on Jared’s “hurts like Satan” dick. Then yesterday, while wearing one of Rayanne Graff’s old outfits, Jared picked up his trophy and thanked all the ladies he’s been with and all the ladies who think they’ve been with him including his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o.
I was going to say that I just want to smoke Jared’s locks since he obviously inhales so much of the good shit that his hair is filled with 100% THC, but apparently he doesn’t drink or do any drugs. Bitch is just naturally stoned. I can’t wait for Jordan Catalono’s Oscar speech tonight. It’s going to be a roller coaster of foolery. He’s going to take us high, he’s going to take us low and he’s going to take us beyond high when he thanks Rickie Vasquez. But you know, he might not even make it to the stage, because Jennifer Aniston might crash the red carpet and scalp him, because he has the hair she’s been dreaming of her entire life.
As for Lupita and Jared boning full-time, I hope they aren’t. But only because if they are, Lupita will have to hang around Jared’s true soulmate Uncle Terry all the time. Hanging around Uncle Terry all the time will fuck with someone’s sanity (see: JaredLeto).
Here’s more of Jared and Lupita at the Spirit Awards yesterday. Lupita won! Click here for all the winners.
My favorite tia’s name is Lupita, and so I have a special love for Lupita Nyong’o and I usually think that she could do no wrong and is the epitome of goddess. This entire awards show season, Lupita has killed hos with her elegance and I really thought there was no way she could fuck up fashion-wise. I thought that Lupita could show up to an award show with CROCs heels and a cinched Snuggie gown and we’d all get on our knees and worship her sophistication. But I learned something new today, Lupita can do wrong.
At the NAACP Awards in Pasadena, CA yesterday, Lupita showed up with Bram Stoker’s Dracula hair and a dress that looked like it was made of orange Fruit Roll-Ups, wrappers and all. She looks like a dehydrated mango slice. I shouldn’t look at Lupita and think, “Magatu’s long-lost love child, is that you, girl?” Also, that fugly dress isn’t doing good things to her chichis.
With all that being said, Lupita was still the hottest and probably best-dressed trick there. I mean, The Mighty O wore a tent dress that was designed by Coleman and Kerry Washington wore a dress that a knocked up 11th grader would wear to her junior prom. So Lupita won best dressed of the night by default.
And click here to see all the winners. ANGELA BASSETT WAS RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-BBDED!
Since I live in a fantasy world where the only relationships that matter are television relationships, I’ve tried not to get involved in Jared Leto’s love life; unless he’s dating Angela Chase, it’s unimportant to me. But I sort of started to give a bit of a care (like a handful of care) when I heard the definition-of-random rumor that he was dating class-act Lupita Nyong’o. And because I have an interest in communicable diseases, I started to really care when I heard he was maybe ‘making the fuck’ on Miley Cyrus. Unfortunately, during her appearance on Ellen today, Lupita seems to be just as baffled as we are and isn’t able to make sense of this messy love triangle either:
Ellen DeGeneres: You’re actually in tabloids, which means you’ve really made it. Because there are rumors that you and Jared Leto are together.
Lupita Nyong’o: Ah, but I thought Miley Cyrus broke us up. That was the last thing I heard. It’s crazy, cause when I read these rumors, they’re so detailed that even I start to question whether they’re true or not. I know I’ve believed them in the past and now I guess I can’t believe anything.
How classy is she? Ah, but I thought. I’m stealing that; I’m going to sound so sophisticated the next time I reach for a deep burn. “Ah, but I thought I sensed something chubby and corny.” Even though Lupita would NEVER call someone chubby and corny; she seems more like the silent type that can take a bitch to task with a carefully administered side-eye.
I was so hopeful this was turning into a modern-day The Boy Is Mine with Lupita playing the part of Brandy and Miley playing the part of Monica (in this version, Monica is an aggressive horny rodent who’s built up a tolerance to the rabies vaccine) but it sounds like Lupita doesn’t care much for drama school theatrics or playing the press. Rats. There goes the possibility of hearing the phrase “Close your legs and leave my man alone, you Carolina Herrera-clad ho!” on Oscar night.
Vanity Fair’s annual “Hollywood Issue” can usually double as their annual “I See White People Issue,” but they decided to switch shit up this year. There’s 12 actors on the cover and half aren’t white. Racism is over!
On the cover from left to right is Chiwetel Ejiofor, Julia Roberts, Idris Elba, George Clooney, Michael B. Jordan, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, Naomie Harris, Brie Larson, Chadwick Boseman, Margot Robbie and Léa Seydoux. The left side looks like Julia and her chorus boys relaxing backstage between the matinee and evening performance of their cruise shop show where she sings the hits of Kander & Ebb. The right side looks like a bunch of models in a wedding fashion show who are suffering from the wet shits after they made the mistake of eating the Mexican lunch given to them. (Chadwick is obviously good because he brought his own food.) And in the middle is Lupita looking like OSCAH gold!
VF should get a slow clap for giving us diversity, but it’s still not diverse enough for my taste and by that I mean the dudes should’ve posed with no clothes on.
And the long-awaited, so-called GOOP takedown is in this shit and I’m afraid to read it. Graydon Carter apparently goes soft on Goopy and reading it is probably going to be a lot like sucking on a big, 9″ peen that just won’t get hard. Just wave of disappointment after wave of disappointment.
In “What else is new?” news, I’m getting a late start today. So while I pour yesterday’s coffee grounds and a bottle of Redline into my right ear hole, here’s Lupita Nyong’o accepting the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Supporting Actress after beating Julia Roberts, June Squibb, ScarJo, The Mighty O and Hollywood’s current reigning Queen of ~Rill~ Jennifer Lawrence. Lupita beating Jennifer Lawrence at the Critics’ Choice Awards gives me hope. Maybe, just maybe, she’ll achieve the impossible by beating Hollywood’s golden child at the Oscars. But then I think about it for a second and ask myself, “Why in the hell do you give one fuck?
But really, screw the Oscars. It’s obviously all about the Critics’ Choice Awards (not really). Any awards show that airs on The CW, gets its graphics from Clip Art and takes place in a high school gym somewhere in the San Fernando Valley is my kind of awards show.
A complete and utter travesty happened last night and I’m surprised you’re not reading this while suffocating under a pile of ash from the planet burning down over this messed up shit. Jennifer Lawrence won over Lupita Nyong’o. Jennifer Lawrence talks about butt plugs, so I kind of like her, but her winning the Best Supporting Actress Golden Globe over Lupita is like Spam winning the Best Meat of the Year Award over filet mignon. I saw American Hustle on Saturday night and I’m probably in the minority, but I thought that shit was boring. If it wasn’t for the hot costumes, hot hair and hot music, I would’ve taken a nap on the puddle of popcorn oil beneath me. Jennifer Lawrence basically did an impersonation of Renee Zellweger in Chicago. Jennifer’ s freshly fucked 1970s prom queen hair was hot and it deserves its own award, but she shouldn’t have won last night. Lupita should file a police report, because ho was blatantly ROBBED. Whatever, though, Lupita was the true winner of the night, because she looked like an alien child from Planet Grace Jones and she showed that drop of tap water Goopy Paltrow how the cape look is really done.
I shouldn’t be mad, because Lupita is totally going to win the Oscar (probably not since Hollywood currently has its mouth around Jennifer Lawrence’s clit).
All of the covers and pictures for W Magazine’s The Movie Issue were taken by Juergen Teller, which means that they all look like crime scene photos from the 1970s of the pimps, john, hookers and crackheads who were all staying at a shitty motel when a low-ranking mobster was viciously stabbed to death in one of the bathrooms. Everyone (except for Lupita Nyong’o) in these pictures look like they’re the suspect in a murder case and are being interviewed by the police. Some of them look like their fear of the police is ruining their coke buzz (see: Jennifer Lawrence) and others look like they’re making a “come at me, PIGS!” face (see: Emma Thompson). And Amy Adams…. Lord, I just want to cover her with a soft blanket and give her some lukewarm hot cocoa from the vending machine, because bitch looks a wreck!
Anyway, Jennifer Lawrence is on one of the covers and W asked her about the graceful fall felt all around the world. Jennifer Lawrence obviously fell on those stairs because her huge, pink dress was the size of the head table at a quinceanera. But Jennifer says that she fell, because she was thinking about cake.
“I was at the Oscars, waiting to hear if my name was called, and I kept thinking, Cakewalk, cakewalk, cakewalk. I thought, Why is ‘cakewalk’ stuck in my head? And then, as I started to walk up the stairs and the fabric from my dress tucked under my feet, I realized my stylist had told me, ‘Kick, walk, kick, walk.’ You are supposed to kick the dress out while you walk, and I totally forgot because I was thinking about cake! And that’s why I fell.”
That quote is like charcoal fluid that fuels the Jennifer Lawrence backlash movement. Bitch is obviously lying. I mean, thought about cake right after winning a huge award? Bitch, you ain’t Kirstie Alley. Jennifer Lawrence has already been crowned America’s Newest Sweetheart, so she can quit it with the “I’m so RILL! I’m so aw-shucks-ey! I thought about cake at the Oscars!” shit. If she didn’t talk about butt plugs on Conan, I’d probably fill in an application for the Jennifer Lawrence Backlash Club. But I can’t hate a trick who openly talks about butt plugs. It’s a rule of mine.
You can see all the pics and read all the quotes from W’s The Movie Issue here. I’ve thrown in a few below. Grab the holy water before clicking on the picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a diablo on meth.