On last year’s cover of Vanity Fair’s Hollywood Issue were the likes of Jane Fonda, Viola Davis and Cate Blanchett looking like you at the DMV when the number in your hand says “198” and they just called number “10.” Their faces told a story and that story was, “I am bored but I also want to fuck a bitch up.” And for this year’s cover, Vanity Fair did what they’ve done a million times before: they gave us bored pretty youngins’ in $10,000 gowns.
ZzzQuil doesn’t have to worry about another four weeks of low sales, because Anna Wintour didn’t put another snooze-making model on the cover of Vogue this month. Nobody will walk past the latest issue of Vogue and think “Ooh, I feel so drowsy.” It’s impossible to feel sleepy when there’s so much to look at on Lupita Nyong’o’s dress. The collar looks like those fancy candies old people put out at Christmas and those orange chiffon things look like the Wuzzles version of a shar pei and a starfish. Not to mention that Lupita Nyong’o appears to be giving me a look that says she’s wondering how many times I’ve tried to eat beads that look like candy. The answer is twice, Lupita!
But Lupita isn’t in this month’s Vogue just to look good. She also says things too.
Cate Blanchett was at the Tony Awards in NYC last night, because she’s making her Broadway debut later this year in a show that isn’t Hamilton. (I know, why are other shows even bothering?) Judging by that butchered-up look on Cate Blanchett’s body, I’m guessing that she was also there, because she knew that most thi-turr people play it safe by wearing the most boring dress at Lord & Taylor, so she needed to give the public something that’ll hurt their eyeballs and make their retinas curl. Thank you, Cate!
Vanity Fair put out their annual Hollywood issue and it’s a million times better than last year’s cover which had a bunch of actors looking like raggedy messes who just had a drunken orgy in the bushes after prom. But it’s not that hard to be better than last year’s cover. All Vanity Fair had to do was not put Channing Tatum wearing Amy Adams as a scarf on the cover and boom: Instantly better!
For this year’s issue, they took 13 actresses, dressed them in fancy funeral clothes, put them in front of Annie Leibovitz’s camera and said, “Okay, half of you need to look like you’ve fallen asleep with your eyes open and the other half need to look like you’re trying to push out a stubborn fart.”
My favorite one on the cover is Diane Keaton who looks like she wasn’t invited and masterfully photobombed them all. They’re all giving fashion FACE while Diane Keaton tries to kill their vibe by actually smiling. Diane Keaton, who looks like a cross between Charlie Chaplin’s mom and Mary Poppins at a wake, probably got the memo that she was supposed to look like a hungry goth but she didn’t care. Diane Keaton is you on 1st grade class picture day.
And the actresses in order are: Jane Fonda, Cate Blanchett,
Kate Winslet Jennifer Lawrence, Viola Davis, Charlotte Rampling, Rachel Weisz, Brie Larson, Alicia Vikander, Lupita Nyong’o, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Helen Mirren, Saoirse Ronan and Diane Keaton not giving a fuck. Somewhere, Meryl Streep is looking at that cover like, “Awww, how cute,” because while those actresses pose for a little magazine cover, she’s out there accepting her 176th Oscar for just being Meryl Streep.
And here’s bigger shots of the cover as well as the individual pictures Annie took. I see that the theme of the individual pictures was “coming down after a 6-day bender” (see: Charlotte Rampling and Rachel Weisz).
Dude in the back whose thinking, “Should I fap to this or not?“, is all of us.
Now that we’ve gotten the attention whores of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens premiere out of the way, here’s the people who were contractually obligated to be there since they’re in the damn thing. You know, I’d much rather see pictures of Oscar Isaac and John Boyega 69 in the middle of a Stormtrooper circle jerk. But when the universe gives you pictures of the Guatemalan hot piece dry topping the spawn of Jar Jar Binks and Goofy (aka Adam Driver aka Adam from Girls) while checking his tits for lumps, you take them and you don’t complain.
But the real star of last night’s red carpet was Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher left the real star of her family, Gary Fisher, at home, because he’s probably exhausted from her dragging him around for the press tour and she didn’t want him to die of boredom while watching that shit. During the live stream of the premiere, Carrie, her daughter Billie Lourd and Oscar Isaac took turns interviewing each other and it was messier than her outfit.
I wasn’t planning on seeing Star Whores, but if you tell me that there’s a long scene where General Leia destroys the enemy by making their brains combust while interviewing them, I’ll get in line now.
Right now, Leonardo DiCatchAHo is getting a plank installed on the side of his yacht for his piece-of-the-hour to walk off of after he’s done with her, and that could only mean one thing: IT’S CANNES TIMES! It’s that time of year when actor types pimp out their movies, low-rent fame whores frolic on
yachts sailboats dinghies and movie critics get life from cutting bitches up in their reviews (see: last year’s glorious Grace of Monaco reviews).
The Cannes Film Festival opened tonight with the premiere of Sharknado 3. No, I wish. It opened with the premiere of La Tete Haute. Lupita Nyong’o started this shit off right by giving us some “Mrs. Roper goes to Miami in 1977″ glamour in a Gucci gown that was decorated with what looks like herpes-ridden flowers. Lupita also took us all back to 7th grade science class by serving up some sternum for days. Lupita twirled, twirled, twirled on the red carpet and she twirled so much that she created a strong wind that blew all the way to Atlanta and knocked over self-proclaimed twirl queen Kenya Moore.
Lupita looks fine and everything, but I have one very important question: WHERE IN “DOES SPIRIT AIRLINES FLY TO CANNES?” HELL IS PHOEBE PRICE?! How can Cannes even start without its queen there to fill a seat? Chicken Cutlets is usually at Cannes every single year, because she has a poultry heart made of gold and knows that the festival needs her A-list beauty, glamour and talent. So where art thou, Chicken Cutlets? She probably decided that Cannes is over and it’s all about the Burbank International Film Festival now.
And here’s some others that are NOT Phoebe Price at the opening ceremony tonight. I’m still trying to figure out which superhero Karlie Kloss came dressed as.