Lupita Nyongo’s either doing that “I pledge allegiance to the flag” shit because it’s the July issue or she’s doing that “Ow, my shoulder hurts but I’m going to emote fabulousness while dealing with the pain” pose you learn during your second year at Barbizon.
Vogue has been sinking into a bottomless puddle of lukewarm crap ever since KimYe were on the cover and so the grand dame of the Death Eaters Anna Wintour is trying to pull her magazine out of that shit lake by putting someone worthy on the cover. Lupita Nyong’o finally got her first cover of Vogue and it’s a double win, because her cover has the word PUSSY on it. The pictures, which were shot by Mikael Jansson in Morocco, are hot, but they’d be way hotter if in the background of every picture was a naked Prince Hot Ginge eating a Double Double.
During the interview with Hamish Bowles, who thinks he permanently lives in a Merchant Ivory movie, Lupita talks about going to Yale, her family self-exiling themselves to Mexico, going to Yale, Shakespeare, going to Yale, winning an Oscar and did I mention that she talks about going to Yale? The only quote of Lupita’s I’m going to paste is the one quote she said she didn’t want to be the “big quote.” Lupita says that putting on a $10,000 designer dress and posing in front of photographers before going into the venue to drink champagne with Michael Fassbender is a lot like a war zone. Now bitch, the Goopy in you is showing….
Nothing can prepare you for awards season,” she continues. “The red carpet feels like a war zone, except you cannot fly or fight; you just have to stand there and take it.” She considers for a moment. “I hope they don’t make that the big quote!” she says, laughing. “Because that would be sad! Tell them not to do that!”
Yes, because Lupita HAS to put on that designer gown and she HAS to pose in front of those photographers and she HAS to go that fancy party where she HAS to do top-shelf tequila shots with Brad Pitt. Celebrities are the true heroes of the world for going through that kind of torture. Every night we all pray that we’ll never get drafted into the celebrity world where we’ll be forced to make millions of dollars and wear designer clothes to party with Meryl Streep. I’m surprised that Lupita was able to pose for these pictures, because you’d think that every time a flash went off she’d have a PTSD breakdown.
But I’ll save my rage toward Lupita for when she does something that’s truly unforgivable like wear CROCs out in public or “like” Nickelback on Facebook.
If you had told me back in February that getting arrested for slowly weaving his car around the 101 Freeway while high out of his mind on pills wasn’t going to be the most embarrassing thing Chris Kattan was going to do in 2014, I’d have never believed you. But cut to last night, when Christ Kattan shamefully pulled his hot pants and tiny sequinned beret from the back of his closet to attend the CFDA Awards dressed as his seductive stripper character from Saturday Night Live, Mango. No word on whether or not they played “Missing” when he arrived.
But Mango wasn’t there because they were just letting any old SNL character in (if that were the case, the CFDA’s would have been shut down by the health department for illegal levels of glamour after Sally O’Malley kick-stretch-kicked her way up the red carpet). He was invited to the CFDA’s because he’s the star of designer Alexander Wang latest fashion film.
This will be the second time he’s brought back a sketch comedy character; last year he made a short film starring MADtv’s Bon Qui Qui, which wasn’t the worst, so we’ll see what he does with Mango. But of all the SNL, Alexander Wang went with Mango? Really? Was Debbie Downer busy or something?
Here’s more of Chris Kattan clickety-clacking for that Alexander Wang paycheck dressed as Mango last night with his date (who I hope also doubled as his designated driver), as well as the rest of the hot-to-lukewarm fancy hoes in attendance. Beginning at the fuego end of the spectrum of hotness, we have Betsey Johnson, who was muy caliente with her insane American Horror Story witchy memaw look and her glued-on polyester hair. Next was Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, who brought fierce evil twin religious cult realness (which one’s evil? Why not both!). Then things start to cool off. Blake Lively came dressed as Barbie’s no-personality cousin who works in Vegas as a showgirl in an Ambien-sponsored revue. And Lupita Nyong’o, who usually brings the heat, looked like she came straight from the set of Star Wars 7.
The entire Internet collectively did the slow wall slide of sadness and warbled out a tornado of woe when the cast for the cinematic Viagra for nerds, Star Wars VII, was announced and Lupita Nyong’o's name wasn’t mentioned. But the producers righted that wrong today when they announced that Lupita Nyong’o will be in it. Also, if you were outside today and a splatter of extra chunky white bird poo landed on your forehead. That wasn’t bird poo. It was nerd jizz falling from the sky, because it was also announced that a chick from Games of Thrones joined Star Wars VII, which is shooting right now.
Lupita Nyong’o joins the recently announced cast of Star Wars: Episode VII. This year, her breakthrough performance in 12 Years a Slave earned her an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress. Gwendoline Christie, currently starring in the hit television series Game of Thrones as Brienne of Tarth, has also been cast in the production. She can next be seen in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2.
“I could not be more excited about Lupita and Gwendoline joining the cast of Episode VII,” says Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy. “It’s thrilling to see this extraordinarily talented ensemble taking shape.”
This is the best move that Lupita could ever make, because now she’s set up for life thanks to Comic-Con MONAY! Lupita’s career could crash and burn, but she’ll forever be able to pay the mortgage on her condo, because a nerd will always gladly pay her $30 to sign her character name in Aurebesh on his right tit. And Gwnedoline Christie is in GoT, Hunger Games AND Star Wars. Triple whammy! Her children’s children’s children are set up, because the nerds will be making it
rain hurricane on her for years to come.
Here’s Lupita at the Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic in Liberty State Park yesterday.
Met Gala MESS Gala theme this year really was Busted Disney Princesses and Lupita Nyong’o got the memo, because here she is serving up some disco Pocahontas madness.
Where do I even begin? Lupita must’ve let the whole “being fashion’s it” girl go to her head, so she showed those fashion whores that she can show up to the Met Gala looking like a dreamcatcher caught a nightmare. How does this even happen? Was she doing lines of coke at the pied-à-terre of some 70s pimp and realized she was late to the Met Gala so she threw one of his beaded curtains and a few potted plans on her body and called it good? It’s like Josephine Baker as a Solid Gold dancer. She’s like a living cat toy.
But I guess, there’s no point in going to the Met Gala if you’re not going to look like you lost every piece of your mind and should be 5150′d. So with that said, Lupita was my second favorite mess of the night and my favorite mess was Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and her deflated fallopian tube gown.
The White House Corespondents Dinner (aka the event that Sarah Palin rage watches on TV every year like a lonely 11th grader sitting all alone in her car parked in the lot of the prom she wasn’t invited to) happened in DC last night and it’s usually a real trash heap of an event filled with gutter skanks like Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Spencer Pratt. But they decided to switch things up this year and bring in some real stars and beauty! Sure, there were still some hos there whose one brain cell would spit out an error 405 if you asked them to spell “correspondents” (see: Jessica Simpson), but the presence of ROJO CALIENTE made up for that!
Rojo Caliente blessed the WHCD with her glorious gingerness last night, because she’s in politics now and it’s only a matter of time before she’s voted in as President and moves into the White House (sorry, Hillary). Our future First Lady Cynthia Nixon was Rojo’s date and judging by that dress, we know her focus will be recycling when she moves into the White House. Because you know that ratty couch from the 60s your hoarding memaw just couldn’t let go of and put on the back porch where it became a bed to the raccoons who troll around her yard? Well, Cynthia Nixon ripped the fabric off of that back porch couch and used it to make the dress she wore last night.
Believe it or not, last night’s events weren’t canceled so that everyone could watch Rojo eat and slowly sip champagne. The events and jokes went on. Obama told jokes between two ferns!
And the poster child for good plugs Joel McHale told jokes too!
But the real entertainment came from watching the beige polyester panties of all the old people bunch up into their ass cheeks as they got highly offended by Joel’s jokes.
And here’s a few pictures from last night’s nerd prom including my best dressed of the night Rose McGowan who delivered some boudoir chic by wrapping a black silk sheet around a teddy.
Pics: Getty, Splash
People was probably hit with lawsuit after lawsuit last year when eyeballs rolled out of sockets and stomachs heaved themselves up throats and out of mouths when they named freeze dried piece of organic bleached celery Goopy Paltrow as their World’s Most Beautiful Woman. So this year, they decided to spare people from dry barfing until they turn inside/out by putting the world’s sweetheart Lupita Nyong’o on the cover of their annual
Clients Of The 50 Hardest Working Publicists In The Game 50 Most Beautiful issue. Everyone keeps saying that Lupita was obviously the only choice and they’re right, but I still hope that the Rhubarb Lady and La Vampy were in the running. Lupita said this about achieving something that is even GREATER than winning an Oscar (served in a tortilla made of sarcasm):
“It was exciting and just a major, major compliment. I was happy for all the girls who would see me on [it] and feel a little more seen.”
People really better slow down and watch it. If they keep putting actual beautiful people on their “Beautiful” issues then we’ll all start to think they went sane and actually know what the definition of “beautiful” is. They don’t want to go and ruin their reputation.
And it’s obvious that decades ago, Julia Roberts threatened to gallop into the homes of People’s editors and eat their children if they don’t put her on every “Beautiful” issue, because every single year there’s her face. The look on Baby Prince George’s face perfectly expresses my feelings about that.
I know – Blanche Devereaux would NEVER; I mean, that old slut would probably try, but Sophia would remind her that a true lady never flashes her satin-wrapped snapper without first being treated to the early bird special at Red Lobster. And since I see no Cheddar Bay Biscuit crumbs on her chichis, there’s clearly no Sophia in Rihanna’s life to tell her to put on some damn pants (Drake is really more of a Rose Nylund). But I should give RiRi some credit, because she was the only person with enough foresight to know that the MTV Movie Awards were going to be a sleepy snoozefest last night and came dressed ready to pop a couple Ambien and call it a night. “Fuck it, it’s not worth putting on pants.” – RiRi to her stylist.
Here’s more of the Barbadian Grace Kelly at the MTV Movie Awards, as well as a bunch of other tricks who’s event-appropriate clothing couldn’t hold a candle to the class and alagance of RiRi’s granny panties. But some came close, like Pia Mia dressed as a rich white girl’s idea of a chola, Rachel Antonoff as Peaches n’ Cream Col. Sanders, and a drunk-looking Leslie Mann (always the look):
I feel like we’re only a matter of time from a primetime gameshow called “Who’s Lupita Nyong’o Dating?” because everyone and their mom NEEDS TO KNOW who the Oscar winner is letting take her to Red Lobster (not a euphemism; actually meant Red Lobster). Personally, I’m just relieved she’s no longer linked to HPV Hipster Emo Jesus Jared Leto.
According to the Daily Mail, rumours started to swirl around Lupita and Somali-Canadian rapper K’naan (government name: doesn’t matter, all I can think about is dipping naan bread into butter chicken sauce) after K’naan was seen holding Lupita’s Oscar and hugging her outside of the Live! with Kelly and Michael studio. K’naan also Instagrammed a picture of the two of them in December but it’s just their teeth, so that could mean they’re dating or just that they’re in some Dental Appreciation Club. But I’m going to choose to believe they’re dating because as far as Canadian rappers go, Lupita picked a good one. The heirachy is as follows:
J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys
Tom Green that time he had a rap career
And if you’re into a dude who can get you day-old donuts at the end of his shift at Tim Hortons, Snow
I like these two together; the nerd in me enjoys that “Nyong’o K’naan” sounds like the name of an over-it Klingon waitress from the nice Sizzler on Rigel V. Mazel you two! Mazel for as long as it takes before someone catches Lupita high-fiving Jake Gyllenhaal or photo-bombing Adam Driver, and K’naan is given the boot from “Who’s Lupita Nyong’o Dating?” (so…what do we think? About 24-hours?)
…as Jared Leto snatches the last breath out of your mouth with his spectacular beauty. And I see that Emily from Revenge disguised herself as a PA and is back to her old schemes.
After Jennifer Lawrence stole another piece of America’s heart by busting out a staged, choreographed and manipulative STUNT QUEEN fall on the red carpet at the Oscars yesterday (yes, my name is Michael and I am a Jennifer Lawrence Fall Truther), she lost the Best Supporting Actress Oscar to Lupita Nyong’o and backstage she jokingly tried to steal the trophy. What won’t that shameless white she-devil do for attention?! But really, Jennifer Lawrence was the Jennifer Lawrence-iest last night, but when Lupita won she seemed excited, happy and kind of relieved. Jennifer Lawrence was probably relieved because if she won she was planning to out-do her fall from last year by taking a falling anvil to the head during her speech. When Lupita’s name was announced, Jennifer’s assistant was in the rafters above and said, “phew,” before pulling up that anvil and calling it a day.
And yes, Lupita’s speech was the best:
Even the soulless, emotionless fancy komodo dragon from Neptune that is Benedict Cumberbatch felt feelings and got the weepies in his eyes during Lupita’s speech. They’re starting to FEEL.
Here’s Lupita at the Oscars and also some pictures of her and Jennifer Lawrence at Vanity Fair’s party. No to Lupita’s Claire’s headband and no to Jennifer Lawrence’s hair. Jennifer Lawrence probably figured that Slick Willie would be at one of the parties and he’d never hit on her if she had Hillary Clinton hair. Wise move, JLaw.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 3, 2014
If you woke up after a long coma and saw all those Veneers and soul-sucking eyes looking at you, you’d probably fall back into a coma and be happy about it. During the 52-hour-long circle jerk extravaganza that is the Oscars, Ellen DeGeneres took a group selfie with Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep, Channing Tater (I think), Julia Roberts, Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Lupita Nyong’o, St. Angie Jolie, Lupita’s brother and some other hos. Ellen asked everyone to re-tweet it and apparently it broke Twitter for a second. And seeing Kevin Spacey make the O face he’d make if he was hitting it from the back broke my soul for a minute.