I must admit, I was one of those suckers who watched True Blood to the bitter, fairy dusted, laughably accented end. It wasn’t perfect, ok, it wasn’t “good”, but it filled my eyes with many sexy butts plus Lafayette (RIP Nelsan), so I’ll never regret the time I spent in Bon Temps. Turns out, it could have been a lot worse! TB creator Alan Ball spoke about the show on the occasion of its 10th anniversary and revealed that Vampire Beehl was almost played by an alien. Sadly/thankfully, the world was robbed of its opportunity to see Benedict Cumberbatch’s cumberbiscuits when the role of Bill Compton went to Stephen Moyer instead.
If you were watching the BBC’s News at Ten on Tuesday, you were probably roused out of your usual late night stupor when a monitor in the newsroom behind anchor Sophie Raworth showed some chick doffing her top and letting her boobies bounce. Eagle-eyed viewers who somehow made it through one of True Blood’s later seasons (believe me, it wasn’t easy) recognized the video as a scene from a Season Six episode and the boobies as belonging to its Oscar-winning star, Anna “SOOOKEEH!!!” Paquin. Most of us suddenly shown off naked in front of 3.8 million viewers might be a trifle put out. But Anna, who was often topless on the show, though it was funny as hell. She said so on Twitter (as did her husband and True Blood co-star, Stephen “BEEEEEL!!!” Moyer).
Somewhere deep in the bowels of the Scientology Centre bath house, a team of massage therapists are working the tensed-up knots out of John Travolta’s body (you decided where those tensed-up knots are) as he seethes over these pictures of Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ lush mop delicately blowing in the French air. John Travolta has to troll the finest taxidermy boutiques in Beverly Hills to find the creatures he wears on his head while JRM’s luxurious mane is naturally grown (I think). Fair: Life isn’t!
While looking like he just fell out of a European Lens Crafters ad, JRM and his stunning hair posed with Anika Noni Rose and Sookeh Stackhouse at a photo call for the History Channel’s Roots at the MipTV conference in Cannes today. Not pictured are all of the people behind the cameras who are slapping at their hands to keep themselves from gently stroking JRM’s gorgeous hair and/or shaving off that scraggly pussy patch on his chin.
And yes, I said Roots. You may be wondering why two out of three of the actors at a photo call for Roots are white. Well, this Roots is actually a ten-part mini-series about the rise of the JcPenney salon in the 70s and 90s. No, it’s really a remake of that Roots. The rest of the cast must have missed their flights. Yeah, that’s it.
Here’s more from today’s photo call as well as pictures of JRM and his fiancee at the premiere gala for Roots Rebooted.
Larry King is older than sand and he was Spartacus‘ au pair, so you think that because he lived during the Roman Empire he’d be an expert on bisexuality, but the no-neck lizard has no idea how bisexuality works. Magnets, how do they work? Bisexuality, how does it work? While talking to Anna Paquin on his show Larry King Now, Larry asked her if she considers herself a non-practicing bi-sexual (Unimportant side note: One of my friends in high school had the thickest ass Chinese accent and she’d pronounce bi-sexual as “bi-sesh-ooh-ull”, so now I say it as “bi-sesh-ooh-ull,” because it just feels better on my tongue) since she’s married to a dude. Larry seems to think that as soon as Anna married Beeeeeeehl, her craving to puss and her attraction to ladies went dormant. Anna and Beeeehl sent her bi-sexuality to a farm where it runs around and plays with the former bi-sexualities of others and they keep meaning to visit it on the weekends, but they just haven’t found the time. Anna let Larry King know that just because she’s married to a guy and is staying true to him doesn’t mean her nipples don’t get hard for ladies anymore. Educate that lizard, Soookeh! via The Advocate
Larry: “Are you a non-practicing bisexual?”
Sookeh: “Well, I am married to my husband and we are happily monogamously married.”
Larry: “But you were bisexual?”
Sookeh: “Well, I don’t think it’s a past-tense thing.”
Sookeh: “No. Are you still straight if you are with somebody — if you were to break up with them or if they were to die, it doesn’t prevent your sexuality from existing. It doesn’t really work like that.”
Awkward IS Sookeh teaching Larry King about bi-sexuality. I watched the clip (at the 11:02 mark) and I still don’t know if Larry King got it. Sookeh should’ve broken it down in a way that Larry King understood. Sookeh should’ve told him that as a lizard, he probably really loves crickets and mango slices. He loves mango slices as much as he loves crickets. His tongue gets a boner for both of them. Let’s say that one day, Larry’s caretaker only gave him crickets and from that day on, he only got crickets for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yes, Larry would be perfectly happy, because he loves crickets, but that doesn’t mean he’d stop thinking about or stop craving mango slices. Sookeh should’ve put it like that. On second thought, that’s a bad idea, because that would’ve given Larry the hungries and then his lizard tongue would’ve shot out of his mouth and searched her teef for any food bits.
But seriously, bless Sookeh for educating the pepaws on one’s love of peen and poon. She should continue to do good things for the world by making sure that Sookeh and Beeehl die slow, painful deaths on the finale of True Blood, because they’ve been so goddamn annoying and the audience needs some satisfaction.
Here’s Sookeh still working that Mermista hair while leaving a spa in West Hollywood the other day and leaving LAX with her husband and one of her twins a couple of weeks ago.
On the left is Anna Paquin looking like Barney used her hair as a butt wipe and on the right is Mermista, the Princess of the Seas, from She-Ra. To answer my question, I cannot knee kick my childhood in the mouth by going with Anna Paquin, so my vote goes to Mermista, now and forever.
Anna Paquin has done what purple-haired vanguard Mrs. Slocombe, Kelly Osbourne, Ireland Baldwin, Katy Perry, Nicole Richie, Ke$hit and nearly every chick on EARTH under the age of 35 has done: she dipped her hair in grape Kool-Aid. Soooookeh tweeted a picture of her Madam Mim hair and said that she’s living out her teenage dream by getting mermaid hair. Sookeh looks at her purple hair and sees a mermaid and I see Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas after getting bitten by a zombie My Little Pony. That purple hair really brings out the “living corpse on meth” in her eyes. But Anna Paquin does have a really good reason for covering her hair in Manic Panic diarrhea. E! News says that while she was playing the most annoying fairy of all-time (“Um, doesn’t that title belong to you, bitch?” – you) on True Blood, she was contractually obligated to keep her hair blond. Now that True Blood is done shooting, Anna can finally dye the Sookeh out of her hair.
Anna was itching to dye her hair for a while, and when asked on Twitter on July 6 if she planned on dyeing her hair after True Blood, she responded, “I’m changing my hair color as soon as I’m done.”
Anna Paquin’s just like us! She too hates Soookeh and can’t wait to forget that bitch. So I say, do what you gotta do, Anna, even if it makes you look like a crazy-eyed corpse demon that only exists in the Lisa Frank world.
And here’s Sookeh and her Mermista hair walking around with Beeeehl in NYC yesterday.
Until I saw these pictures from the premiere party for the final season of True Blood, I completely forgot True Blood was coming back. Those bitches better not mess it up and by that I mean they better kill off pretty much everyone in the first 20 seconds of the first episode and the rest of the season should be nothing but Joe ManJello and ASkars dancing naked together in the snow. Okay they can keep Lafayette and Pam too.
Sadly, ASkars wasn’t at last night’s premiere thing, but Lafayette was there in a bow tie so big that it looked like it was eating his neck and Joe ManJello wore a suit that was once worn by a giant gorilla who played the banker in an old timey silent movie western. Joe ManJello in a suit always makes me laugh, because he never looks that comfortable and it looks like all that material is squeezing his giant muscles. It’s like trying to put one of Justin Bieber’s condoms on The Hammaconda. Joe ManJello’s suit is probably held together with Tyvek thread so it doesn’t come ripping off when he raises his arm. What I’m saying is that Tyvek should’ve never been invented and Joe ManJello should rip off that suit and free his muscles and nipples. It’s only natural.