A great travesty has occurred on the set of the Medieval Times themed miniseries Glow and Darkness! The ageless queen of stage and screen, Jane Seymour, has been replaced with a younger actress! According to Entertainment Tonight, producers pulled a last minute switcheroo when they told Jane they no longer wanted her to play her character, Eleanor of Aquitaine, at age 25. Jane is 69. This cannot stand. It is time now to demand, with full voice and conviction, JUSTICE FOR JANE!
Brian Austin Green has been going through it ever since he and Megan Fox separated late last year. “It” refers to both his sad boy emotions and all the big busted ladies of the Greater LA Area.
Last week the human embodiment of a midlife crisis went on a podcast to play victim over the end of his marriage and claim Courtney Stodden “used him” (um, let Courtney be the “user” *one time* in her life, Brian). Then, after Megan Instagrammed a picture with Machine Gun Kelly, calling him an “Achingly Beautiful Boy”, BAG posted pics of his three sons and copied her caption. Reminder: BAG is 47 years old. Now a source is claiming that his feelings are hurt over Megan flaunting her love for MGK. Um, yeah, the “Achingly Beautiful Boy” debacle made that extremely clear.
I don’t know which Project Runway reject fucked up the Overstock.com bedsheet challenge this badly either. And to think, we were so worried about Lizzo getting her juice all over the folding chairs at The Staples Center, we forgot to worry about potential coochie-contact with the upholstered seats at the Shrine Auditorium. However, Sarah Hyland’s short and confusing floral 4th of July bunting skirt was an outlier. For the most part, the outfits on display at last night’s Screen Actors’ Guild Awards were a lot more conservative, ranging from the tiered ruffles and billowy chiffon of a modest religious sect, to tailored suits. On ladies! Hollywood is confusing.
It’s already off to the damn races for the 2020 Oscars, and Elton John helped Taron Egerton launch his campaign to become Rami Malek 2.0 last night. Elton always throws a big Oscars bash since it’s his annual big dick contest with Madonna and her own Oscars bash. Taron, who is playing Elton in the upcoming Rocketman, actually sang “Tiny Dancer” at Elton’s party, and El was more than happy to oblige since Madge and Gaga’s publicity stunt couldn’t DARE be the news of the night.
The picture you’re looking at above was taken at an AARP event, which makes sense, considering Jane Seymour is 67 years old. And if I could say the number sixty-seven again, I will, because Jane looks better at 67 than I have at pretty much any time, ever. Hell, if her hair could talk, it might ask: “Sorry, but what’s it like to be a 4? I’m just too used to being a 10 to know.” Jane recently showed all the young, clothing-averse tricks out there that they’re not the only ones who can strip down and show off the goods by posing for Playboy. But since this is the new, classier Playboy, don’t expect to see Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman straddling a doctor’s bag with a stethoscope covering her nipple.
Right now, Leonardo DiCatchAHo is getting a plank installed on the side of his yacht for his piece-of-the-hour to walk off of after he’s done with her, and that could only mean one thing: IT’S CANNES TIMES! It’s that time of year when actor types pimp out their movies, low-rent fame whores frolic on
yachts sailboats dinghies and movie critics get life from cutting bitches up in their reviews (see: last year’s glorious Grace of Monaco reviews).
The Cannes Film Festival opened tonight with the premiere of Sharknado 3. No, I wish. It opened with the premiere of La Tete Haute. Lupita Nyong’o started this shit off right by giving us some “Mrs. Roper goes to Miami in 1977″ glamour in a Gucci gown that was decorated with what looks like herpes-ridden flowers. Lupita also took us all back to 7th grade science class by serving up some sternum for days. Lupita twirled, twirled, twirled on the red carpet and she twirled so much that she created a strong wind that blew all the way to Atlanta and knocked over self-proclaimed twirl queen Kenya Moore.
Lupita looks fine and everything, but I have one very important question: WHERE IN “DOES SPIRIT AIRLINES FLY TO CANNES?” HELL IS PHOEBE PRICE?! How can Cannes even start without its queen there to fill a seat? Chicken Cutlets is usually at Cannes every single year, because she has a poultry heart made of gold and knows that the festival needs her A-list beauty, glamour and talent. So where art thou, Chicken Cutlets? She probably decided that Cannes is over and it’s all about the Burbank International Film Festival now.
And here’s some others that are NOT Phoebe Price at the opening ceremony tonight. I’m still trying to figure out which superhero Karlie Kloss came dressed as.