The SAG Awards happened last night, and the only way to watch it was to watch it on Netflix’s YouTube Channel. Listen, it could’ve been worse. They could’ve shown it exclusively on TikTok and made the winners bust out TikTok dances or do TikTok challenges while accepting their trophy. Or Netflix could’ve turned the SAG Awards into a Squid Games-style challenge where nominees have to battle it out to the death for the trophy (that’s next year). But those who watched this year’s SAG Awards on Netflix’s YouTube Channel watched the cast of Everything Everywhere All at Once get their cardio in by picking up award after award. And one of EEAAO‘s stars, the legendary James Hong, showed us that at 94 years old, he’s still got IT by easily becoming the sparkling star of the night!
Caitlyn Jenner tried to warn us, but did we listen? No, we did not. And now the Great State of California is losing one of its buffest assets. Mark Wahlberg has joined the scores of economic refugees before him who’ve fled the state in their private jets in search of greener pastures. Page Six reports that the former Funky Bunch frontman has packed up his fleet of luxury jalopies and moved to income-tax-free Nevada in search of a better life for his children. Not sure if he stacked the contents of his $90 million LA mansion into his $2 million fleet vertically like the Joads in The Grapes of Wrath, which is traditional for salt of the earth types such as himself, or if he made his wife and children travel by foot while he flew ahead to scout out the tax credit he’s hoping to use to build a “state-of-the-art studio,” shoe factory and a separate factory for his apparel company. I’m going to guess the kids went on foot because why else would he need so many shoes in the promised land now that his days of boiling them for sustenance are over?
Seen above working a sad recreation of Leif Garrett’s glorious ’70s mop, Marky Mark mouth farted about how a lot of rich celebrities are living in a gold bubble of privilege and have no idea how us regulars live. So because of that, they need to hit the “callarte la boca” switch when it comes to talking about politics. Marky, who is a rich celebrity, then went on to dribble out some political shit. But Marky can do that, because according to him, he still lives in the real world! Marky saying that he lives in the real world once again confirms that he’s still a citizen of FuckingDelusionalVille.
Jenny McCarthy’s brother-in-law (that has to be the meanest thing I’ve ever called someone) wants the Governor of Massachusetts to pardon his arrogant piece of shit ass for the time in 1988 when he hit a man in the head with a 2X4 and blinded another man with his fist while spitting out racial slurs. Marky Mark said in his application that he wants the pardon so he can get a concessionaire’s license in CA for Wahlburgers and he wants his record cleaned so he can show the at-risk-youth he works with that they can turn their life around. But TMZ says that the real reason Mark Mark wants a pardon is because he wants to be a reservist with the LAPD. Someone asked me the other day if I ever planned to move back to NYC and I said I’d think about it if my mom agreed to move and if they FINALLY got an In-N-Out. Well, if Marky Mark gets a police badge from the LAPD, I’ll bribe my mom into moving with promises of meeting Dr. Oz and I’ll chain an In-N-Out to my car before hitting the gas hard and never looking back.
A source tells TMZ that Marky wants to join the LAPD as a reservist, but the felony on his record is keeping him from being able to handle a gun legally. Boston.com reports that in Marky’s application, he says that he’s become close with members of the LAPD, but he can’t get positions in law enforcement because of his convictions. The LAPD’s website says that a reservist gets the same training as a police officer and works alongside them. A reservist is a volunteer position so they don’t get paid.
In my first post about this mess, I wondered if Marky Mark ever apologized to Hoa Trinh and Thanh Lam, the two men he viciously beat when he was 16. The entitled shit stain said in an interview in 2006 that he never asked for forgiveness, because after a while the “guilt” went away and he’s able to sleep at night on the grounds of his understated little bungalow. Yes, he’s really changed into an upstanding, gold hearted citizen who cares about others.
The world never needs Officer Marky Mark in it, but right now it really doesn’t need Officer Marky Mark. Shit is bad enough. But on one hand, if Mark Mark became a reservist, he’d have less time to spend on making crap movies that terrorize humanity. On the other hand, the thought of Officer Marky Mark patrolling the streets with a baton in one hand and a gun in the other makes me want to invest in a bulletproof armored helmet.
Former New Kids On The Block hotel room arsonist and current guy who sells hamburgers on a reality show Donnie Wahlberg is getting married to the human equivalent to getting your period during a cross-country road trip Jenny McCarthy today in New York, an event which will surely bring out the who’s who of top-tier celebrities. However, TMZ says that one A-list brother will NOT be attending the wedding: MAHKY MAHK. Donnie, say hi to your mother for Mark; he won’t be there to do it himself. Continue reading
Last night at the the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards’s glue-huffing half-brother, the MTV Movie Awards, Mahky Mahk was given the MTV Generation Award to honor his contribution to cinema (even though it should have been in honor of role Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch’s video for “Good Vibrations” played in assisting a generation of kids confirm their sexuality, because that will truly be his legacy, not “Ted 4” or whatever the fuck is currently in production for Mahky Mahk).
After being presented the award by The Turtle One, Chase Hammond from Drive Me Crazy, and the bastard child of Matt Dillon and Kevin Bacon (I’m sorry, I don’t know a thing about Entourage), Mahky Mahk proved why he always looks like he’s 1 beer and a Red Sox loss away from handing his wife his shirt because he ‘don’t wanna get none of this asshole’s blood on it when he teaches him a fackin’ lesson’ as he proceeded to use every fuck-word at his disposal. He funky bunched a fuck on past winners of the Generations Award and the award itself, then on his wife, the cast of “Entourage: The Movie”, then the audience. Mahky Mahk finally wrapped up his Southie sonata in F-minor by giving a shout-out to Manny Pacquiao and the Christian holy day of Palm Sunday, but didn’t bestow upon them a fuck, probably because he knew Manny’s mother would put a curse on his ass if he dared sully the good name of her son and Hay-zoos.