It’s insane to think you can top a quickie Vegas wedding officiated by an Elvis impersonator for class and glamour but Joe Jonas and bride Sophie Turner, went for it anyway. The already marrieds were married-married in Provence, France yesterday.
In case you didn’t really know, the Jonas Brothers are now grown up bad boys. Purity rings suck, having sex RULES! And the all-grown Jonas Brothers love to party. They party so hard, the police show up. And not because the police officer wants an autograph for their 8-year-old niece McKaylah.
The world’s least dangerous band, the Jonas Brothers, is the subject an Amazon Prime documentary called Chasing Happiness which, as far as I can tell, is about 3 brothers from New Jersey who start a band and become very rich and famous despite the fact that only one of them looks like he knows how to fuck (Kevin don’t @me). In addition to the documentary, the threatened Jonas Brothers reunion is neigh, as is an album full of, I’m sure, Justin Timberlake rejected mid-tempo pop jams called Happiness Begins. For the first time since they broke up in 2013, Nick, Joe and the other one are all grown up, boo’d up, and opening up about what it was like being Disney’s bitch. Turns out they regret nothing. Well except for those purity rings.
Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner were both in Las Vegas last night. Joe was there with his brothers, Nick and Kevin, because the Jonas Brothers performed their first show together as a band since I graduated from high school. The Jonas Brothers did the Billboard Music Awards and I guess Joe was on such a high he just needed to tie the knot, because after the awards show, the middle Jonas with the biggest dick took his fiancé down to a lil’ Vegas chapel and had themselves a lil’ wedding. Get that new album promo!
The romantic duo that the random celebrity couple generator brought together, Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra, aka “Prick“, are now married after a four month engagement. Hindu weddings do not play, and there is one day left of their five day celebration, which means a high likelihood that Nick will be bare backing an elephant into the closing ceremony tomorrow. So, Ladies and Gentlemen who are so inclined, you may want to carve out a bit of alone time tomorrow if seeing a Jonas Brother astride a pachyderm is your idea of a good time.
Millions of 19-year-olds and 20-years-old are in the fetal position on the floor of their dorms after their inner tween exploded into a flood of tears from hearing that the Jonas Brothers (aka the Hanson of their time) are fucking done professionally. The Jonas Brothers killed and buried their tour earlier this month and now they’re killing and burying the entire group. But they’re burying it in a shallow grave, because they might want to dig up its mangled remains later on. The Jonas Brothers couldn’t even queef out one statement together. They each shat out their own break-up line to People:
“It’s over for now.” – Kevin
“It’s really hard to say ‘forever.’ We’re closing a chapter, for sure.” – Nick
“It was a unanimous decision.” – Joe
This is what I’m reading that shit as:
“I’m done with those catty bitches….until we all need a check (mousse ain’t cheap) and have to reunite for a county fair circuit tour.” – Kevin
“It’s really hard to literally say the word ‘forever’ when I’m doing 500 ab crunches every minute so my body can stay Sean Cody sexy for my new career as a shirtless Instagram model.‘ – Nick
“The fans unanimously made this decision by not buying tickets to our tour.” – Dragon Chasing Joe
Since I’m way too old to feel emotions about this shit, I thought about how I would feel if Exposé announced that they were quitting each other forever. I’d probably empty out my checking account to buy a ticket to China, so I could do an endless wall slide of WHY?!!!!!!!!!!! against the Great Wall.