Here’s The Final Cut Of “Gotta Be You” From “80 For Brady” Feat. Dolly Parton, Cyndi Lauper, Gloria Estefan And Their Kid Sister Belinda Carlisle
Dolly Parton famously wrote I Will Always Love You and Jolene on the same night, so it should be no surprise that she was able to squirt out a dribbly little ditty as a favor to a couple of old friends in less time than it takes her to remove her false eyelashes at the end of the day. When Dolly’s homegirls Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin found themselves in a bind, having agreed to go against God’s Plan by signing up for starring roles in Tom Brady’s mid-post-post-career vanity project, 80 for Brady, alongside Sally Field and Rita Moreno, and needed help, Dolly was right there to lend a hand. And Dolly’s no Rose from Titanic! Her door is as wide as it is strong, and it’s always open to a friend in need. Dolly secured her rings and baubles and such before reaching her hand down into the frigid, inky-black depths of Tom’s ego and pulled her girls to safety. She then got her little orange emergency whistle out and started looking for other innocent souls at risk of drowning in Tom’s insatiable abyss. As dawn arose on that fateful night, Dolly’s door was teeming with refugees from the floating wreckage of Tom’s post-divorce career.
I just knew Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda were gonna try to pull Dolly Parton into this mess! And here we are. Consequences of Sound reports that Dolly’s going to contribute to a song on the soundtrack for 80 for Brady, that CTE inducing movie produced by Tom Brady, starring Dolly’s old 9 to 5 crew of working stiffs plus Rita Moreno and Sally Field pretending they’ve never seen an Oscars podium before. But if anybody’s going to save that drek from complete and utter dreckitude, it’s Dolly. Shit, she saved the Mexican Pizza AND New Year’s Eve. So she should have no problem saving her girls from making absolute fools of themselves. But Harry Hamlin’s on his own!
Because too much Ryan Seacrest gives me a serious case of the farts, I only watched pieces of Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve last night, so I completely missed the performance by Cyndi Lauper. But after she performed, I started to see tweets and headlines about how “bizarre” it was. I shrugged because she IS so unusual and I like my Cyndi Lauper performances “bizarre.” And then I figured out that by “bizarre,” everyone meant bad. Well, looks like Hell’s Special Place is going to be a lot more crowded with those who spent the last minutes of 2020 dragging legendary goddess Cyndi Lauper!
While, as Michael already pointed out, Prince’s eyes are probably still rolling in their grave after Usher gave him a tribute (still better than what Usher has given to people in the past) at last night’s Grammy Awards, there was one thing that Prince could be proud of. Prince’s fashion DNA was all over the red carpet, right down to the bare asscheeks. The men were having fun at the Grammys, outshining the women with looser expressions of gender and daring accessories. Let the girly-girls like Ariana Grande have their beautiful gowns. With the exception of the Jonas Brothers, the men of the red carpet took risks that paid dividends (the Jonas bros’ bronzed blazers with wives as accessories should file for fashion bankruptcy). Sorry ladies, its the guys time to shine. We already know what boobs look like.
The Grammys attempted to have their own Time’s Up/#MeToo moment last night; instead of pins or wearing black, some people wore or posed with white roses to symbolize “hope, peace, sympathy and resistance.” Kesha took the symbolism one step further by performing “Fuck You, Dr. Luke” (real title: “Praying“) amid a sea of white-clad backup singers. Some of them famous enough to make the audience at home think, “Hey, wait a minute…is that?”
My apologies to those of you who butt-birthed out a sparkly rainbow of excitement after looking at that headline and picture and thinking that Cyndi Lauper and Cher are going to star in a Broadway musical adaptation of a gay classic together. You know, like Showgirls: The Musical (Cyndi as Nomi, Cher as Cristal). Or Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?: The Musical (Cyndi as Baby Jane, Cher as Blanche). Or Death Becomes Her: The Musical (Cyndi and Cher alternating roles). As much as I want to see Cher’s Cristal sing out a riveting ballad called “You Are A Whore, Darlin'” to Cyndi’s Nomi, that’s a thing that will only exist in my dreams. They aren’t working together on Broadway and their projects are totally different. First up, Cyndi!