The Red Carpet Of The MTV VMAs Was A Journey Through Space And Time

August 27, 2019 / Posted by:

The year is 2019, and there’s a teddy bear in Naughty by Nature. It’s as confusing a notion as it is a sentence to read. But these are the times we are living in. Time to accept that what once was in the past, will be revisiting us in the present (with a collection of random pop culture barnacles from The Time Tube attached), to confuse future generations. So now NBN (pictured above with their new bear Illtown Sluggaz and Redman) has a Kanye West style College Dropout teddy bear in it, and Treach has gone from excoriating his ex-wife Pepa (of Salt-N-Pepa fame) on Instagram, to parading around in bondage gear and issuing confusing handkerchief codes at the 2019 MTV Video Music Awards. Hip hop hooray?

Not all entities that pass through the Time Tube are as confusing as the continued existence of NBN. It’s quite clear what happened to Lil’ Kim. You see, that’s not actually Lil’ Kim we’re looking at. That’s Madame, Wayland Flowers’ bawdy puppet from the 1970’s, here to bless us with her wit, charm and hand chiseled features. And she’s wearing her summer diamonds (“some are diamonds, some are not” – Madame). With injectables and cosmetic surgeries being so prevalent these days, I have never been so relieved to see a familiar face!

Britney Spears wasn’t at the VMAs this year, but her iconic albino Burmese python from 2001 made the journey. However, as with all trans-temporal devices, sometimes things can go a little haywire in the Time Tube. Britney’s snake had a little hiccup and duplicated itself as a super chill brunette. YouTuber Tana Mongeau (right) was probably hissing mad when she found out she’d been out stunted by H.E.R.?

However, there was one snake who made it through the Time Tube intact and looking as fresh, hip and potent as it did when it entered back in the early ‘90s. You can’t see it here, but it’s securely tucked inside of Lenny Kravitz‘ pants. And look between his legs, it looks like the snake shed its skin while it was in there!

Compare Lenny’s journey to that of Billy Ray Cyrus. Even though he entered at the same time as Lenny (and managed to come out the other end with a hit song thanks to ‘Lil Nas X, who by the way, collided with Liberace and The Tin Man on his way there), the ride obviously took its toll on him. Or maybe he’s just sad thinking about his daughter’s life choices, lamenting the day Lil Xan walked out on his family for good.

The Time Tube should come with a general warning: May cause fatigue, nausea, loss of nostalgia, oxygen depletion, and chapped lips.

You can see the rest of the causalities in the gallery below.


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