I know, some hard-hitting journalism coming at you this Monday. And I’m not being sarcastic since the shit stuck in Nick Jonas’ teeth during his performance with The Jonas Brothers was big BREAKING NEWS. Hey, they have a new song out and need to cash in on this return to the spotlight as much as possible. That hundred-year wedding won’t pay for itself.
The Jonas Brothers got back together, remember? They have a new music video out for their latest single, What A Man Gotta Do, and like their previous video for Sucker, this one too costars all three Mrs. Jonases. In the video for WAMGD, with the help of their wives Priyanka Chopra, Danielle Jonas, and Sophie Turner, Nick, Kevin, Joe recreate scenes from Risky Business, Grease and Say Anything, which their young fans have probably never seen. But if you’re like me and watched The Circle on Netflix, you too may be wondering where the elusive 4th and 5th Jonas Brothers, Clayton and Steve, are. Maybe they’re unmarried, so they’ve been kicked out of the band. I guess wives are the new purity rings.
It’s insane to think you can top a quickie Vegas wedding officiated by an Elvis impersonator for class and glamour but Joe Jonas and bride Sophie Turner, went for it anyway. The already marrieds were married-married in Provence, France yesterday.
In case you didn’t really know, the Jonas Brothers are now grown up bad boys. Purity rings suck, having sex RULES! And the all-grown Jonas Brothers love to party. They party so hard, the police show up. And not because the police officer wants an autograph for their 8-year-old niece McKaylah.
The world’s least dangerous band, the Jonas Brothers, is the subject an Amazon Prime documentary called Chasing Happiness which, as far as I can tell, is about 3 brothers from New Jersey who start a band and become very rich and famous despite the fact that only one of them looks like he knows how to fuck (Kevin don’t @me). In addition to the documentary, the threatened Jonas Brothers reunion is neigh, as is an album full of, I’m sure, Justin Timberlake rejected mid-tempo pop jams called Happiness Begins. For the first time since they broke up in 2013, Nick, Joe and the other one are all grown up, boo’d up, and opening up about what it was like being Disney’s bitch. Turns out they regret nothing. Well except for those purity rings.
Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner were both in Las Vegas last night. Joe was there with his brothers, Nick and Kevin, because the Jonas Brothers performed their first show together as a band since I graduated from high school. The Jonas Brothers did the Billboard Music Awards and I guess Joe was on such a high he just needed to tie the knot, because after the awards show, the middle Jonas with the biggest dick took his fiancé down to a lil’ Vegas chapel and had themselves a lil’ wedding. Get that new album promo!