I was going to say that maybe John Travolta’s wig holds the power to him not fucking up an awards show, but he had that polyester critter lace front on his head during his Adele Dazeem moment, so my theory doesn’t work. But I get that Taylor Swift is no Fred Durst, yet she was all over the MTV VMAs on Monday night, and yet, John Travolta still mistook her for drag queen Jade Jolie.
John was on Dallas-Fort Worth’s Hot 93.3, and when asked about the mess-up, he shrugged and made it sound like he didn’t mistake Jade for Taylor (uh huh) and also said that no matter what he does, it makes headlines. He mispronounces a name or shaves his head, and it makes headlines. I see that “shaves head” is still Scientologist for “took off my wig.”
Every electric company in the world was put on high alert yesterday and was told by MTV that there was a great chance all of their systems would shut down from people blasting their ACs to temperature “Mitch McConnell’s no-heart area” because they’d get hit with a scorching blast of organically hot heat shooting off of their TV screens as Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello performed together at the MTV VMAs. But electric companies didn’t experience devastating system shut downs, because instead of feeling the heat from Shawn and Camila’s performance, many of us grabbed a pashmina and a fresh-out-of-the-microwave warming dildo to heat our asses up after we were hit with the frozen fish chemistry of it all.
The year is 2019, and there’s a teddy bear in Naughty by Nature. It’s as confusing a notion as it is a sentence to read. But these are the times we are living in. Time to accept that what once was in the past, will be revisiting us in the present (with a collection of random pop culture barnacles from The Time Tube attached), to confuse future generations. So now NBN (pictured above with their new bear Illtown Sluggaz and Redman) has a Kanye West style College Dropout teddy bear in it, and Treach has gone from excoriating his ex-wife Pepa (of Salt-N-Pepa fame) on Instagram, to parading around in bondage gear and issuing confusing handkerchief codes at the 2019 MTV Video Music Awards. Hip hop hooray?
Even though Miley Cyrus has technically moved on from her extremely short marriage to Liam Hemsworth (with Brody Jenner’s former girlfriend Kaitlynn Carter), that doesn’t mean she can’t milk the hell out of it on television. You’ve got to strike while the iron is hot when it comes to sympathy-based breakup attention, and Miley got plenty of it last night while performing her new this-is-definitely-about-Liam song. And even when her mouth wasn’t singing her feelings about Liam, her body was kind of doing the talking for her.
Before last night, you might have been wondering what happened to all of the velour after Juicy Couture tracksuits went out of fashion. Was it all burned up, contributing to global warming? Were they all donated to a very badly-dressed village somewhere? Maybe they were repurposed and turned into the outside of fancy scratching posts for jungle-cats? The truth is, the velour was sitting in a warehouse waiting for Normani to come along and use it to help promote her new single Motivation.
We’ve known for a while that Missy Elliott was going to get the MTV VMA Video Vanguard Award as well as perform, so it’s amazing that the other performers showed up. But they did and probably just to take in the brilliance of Missy with a side of Alyson Stoner and a UFO!