The Jonas Brothers Regret Wearing Purity Rings

June 4, 2019 / Posted by:

The world’s least dangerous band, the Jonas Brothers, is the subject an Amazon Prime documentary called Chasing Happiness which, as far as I can tell, is about 3 brothers from New Jersey who start a band and become very rich and famous despite the fact that only one of them looks like he knows how to fuck (Kevin don’t @me). In addition to the documentary, the threatened Jonas Brothers reunion is neigh, as is an album full of, I’m sure, Justin Timberlake rejected mid-tempo pop jams called Happiness Begins. For the first time since they broke up in 2013, Nick, Joe and the other one are all grown up, boo’d up, and opening up about what it was like being Disney’s bitch. Turns out they regret nothing. Well except for those purity rings.

According to Entertainment Weekly, the brothers Jonas (their dad was a pastor) began to resent their image as “cookie-cutter boy band brothers” and blame the promise rings they all wore during those early days of proximal Hannah Montana fame (around 2008). According to Joe:

“In the Church, it was encouraged that we go through this program. It was, like, wait for the right person or wait for marriage. All the kids that I grew up with were doing it so I was like, ‘Oh, this is cool.’ Probably by 15 I was like, ‘What?! What is this?’” Joe admits. “And that was not who we were, it was just something that we did when we were young kids. But we wore the rings through the first bit of the band starting to explode. At that point, it was already too late because it was in the media.”

I guess rather than get his band an NC-17 rating by taking his ring off, eldest Jonas Kevin just skipped ahead to proposing to his girlfriend at age 21.

“We had all this success and that’s the only thing we could hear or focus on, was things that people were saying about us,” Kevin says.

Nick says that walking around with a big scarlet “V” stamped on his forehead embarrassed him, especially at sporting events (same – Drake).

“It was embarrassing to be aware of this joke in real life with people,” Nick adds. “When I would go to a sporting event, they would put me on the jumbotron, or us, or whatever, they would boo us. As a sports fanatic, I would be so hurt because I was like, ‘I am one of you. I’m just like you.'”

Nick doesn’t need to worry about that anymore now that now that all 3 of their Canadian girlfriends have agreed to marry them.

Here’s the trailer for Chasing Happiness which would have you assume no drug hath ever passed the lip (or nose, or vein) of a Jonas brother, reaffirmed by them wearing matching adult leather jackets.

And finally, please enjoy these photos from the premiere that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that all 3 Jonas Brothers fuuuuuuck.


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