Here’s The Final Cut Of “Gotta Be You” From “80 For Brady” Feat. Dolly Parton, Cyndi Lauper, Gloria Estefan And Their Kid Sister Belinda Carlisle
Dolly Parton famously wrote I Will Always Love You and Jolene on the same night, so it should be no surprise that she was able to squirt out a dribbly little ditty as a favor to a couple of old friends in less time than it takes her to remove her false eyelashes at the end of the day. When Dolly’s homegirls Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin found themselves in a bind, having agreed to go against God’s Plan by signing up for starring roles in Tom Brady’s mid-post-post-career vanity project, 80 for Brady, alongside Sally Field and Rita Moreno, and needed help, Dolly was right there to lend a hand. And Dolly’s no Rose from Titanic! Her door is as wide as it is strong, and it’s always open to a friend in need. Dolly secured her rings and baubles and such before reaching her hand down into the frigid, inky-black depths of Tom’s ego and pulled her girls to safety. She then got her little orange emergency whistle out and started looking for other innocent souls at risk of drowning in Tom’s insatiable abyss. As dawn arose on that fateful night, Dolly’s door was teeming with refugees from the floating wreckage of Tom’s post-divorce career.
And so, in typical Dolly fashion, she snagged a crate of lemons that was passing by (not to stave off scurvy, those were the dessert they serve on board. Just a slice of lemon served in a small bowl of body temperature ionized water, for the health) and made lemonade! Move over USS Missouri, there’s a new barge a-comin’. And while it may not be quite as big or as grand as Cher’s aircraft carrier, the anthem blasting from its hull is proving that Dolly was able to accomplish what Cher was never able to. Dolly actually found a way to turn back time. All the way back to the 1980s, with a little help from a ragtag crew that includes Cyndi Lauper, Gloria Estefan, and Belinda Carlisle. Dolly didn’t write the song, Gotta Be You, in one night; that was Diane Warren. But she did turn it into an anthem for the ages (65-100). Grab a life vest, you’re going to need it if you don’t want to drown in a sea of sequin twelves (12/10, every one of these seQueens!). Unfortunately, any extra space that might have been left on Dolly’s ample door is being taken up by Jane’s Bumpit. That must be what happened to Debbie Harry because she’s listed here, but is nowhere to be found. RIP. Either that or she missed the boat.
If you are in the water, STAY IN THE WATER. The 80 for Brady rescue barge will circle back to get you after it completes its victory lap, from Florida to the South China Sea and back, with ports of call in Boston, and dare I predict, Oscar? But not you, Harry Hamlin! You’re on your own. Try a calling a SCUBer. Dolly’s barge is for Legends Only.