One thing I’ll never do is question Cher’s judgement. However, I’m shocked and saddened to report that Cher participated in a photo shoot for the cover of CR Fashionbook magazine in which she shares billing with Kim Kardashian and Naomi Campbell. Naomi I can accept. Naomi has the range. But the fact that Kim and Cher played with wigs and motorcycles together, side-by-side, hurts my soul. Therefore, I must rely on my deeply held spiritual belief that there is a higher power at work here, and her name is Cher. Cher makes no mistakes.
If a feud between Wendy Williams and Cher over Joaquin Phoenix is the only celebrity feud we get this year, I’d be satisfied. As such, I humbly give thanks to Cher above for her blessings. Last week on her show, Wendy ran her mouth off about the Golden Globes and got to talking about Joaquin. And because she didn’t actually have anything to report other than that he exists in the world, she rambled on about his appearance. In doing so, Wendy noted that his lip scar made him “oddly attractive,” and then mimed a cleft lip before talking with her hands all the way in her mouth. Adam Bighill, a Canadian pro football player whose son was born with a cleft palate, called her out on Twitter. But since most people don’t know him from, well, from Adam, it might have ended with Wendy’s eventual apology (more on that later). However, I am beyond thrilled to report that Cher has gotten wind of Wendy’s antics and is ALL CAPS MAD. So mad in fact she’s calling for Wendy to be fired. God may have made Adam, but Cher’s the only higher power I acknowledge.
Now that Halloween is over, we have a full breakdown of all the costumes the celebs wore to parties, and more importantly, wore on their social media to stunt on all their millions of followers. Normani pulled some tricks for Halloween, and dressed up as an iconic look from both Naomi “Check Your Lipstick Before You Talk To Me” Campbell, and THEE Cher. Well one racist troll on the internet decided that, like Megyn Kelly and Jesus, they believed Cher was exclusively for the whites. Well, Hailey Bieber, of all people, decided she would take the time out of her day of doing (insert whatever Hailey Bieber does here) to tell that troll to piss off. There will be no racism on her holy holiday!
Fitting that I’m writing about Cher because you haven’t seen the last of me!
Most years it seems like 90% of the tricks who somehow get an invite to the Met Gala ignore the theme and just shamelessly promote themselves with a hot piece on their arm and perky chi-chis (just ask Tom Brady. His chi-chis are always perky and he avoids Met Gala theme). This year’s camp theme actually got some people adhering to the costume rule, but the night’s biggest surprise, however, came later when Cher (the actual Cher) showed up to sing.
I mean, if we’re going to get into a mess involving Trump, Cher, and immigration, we may as well first dust our eyes with some bodyguard hotness and perfectly plucked man brows. Now that our eyes have been cleaned, let’s shit them up!
Cher has long been a liberal warrior who uses Twitter to trash Trump while pushing our brains to their breaking point as we try to figure out what the hell she’s trying to say (but by now many of us are fluent in Twitter Cher). But the other day, Cher cher’d her thoughts on immigration and received slow claps from Trump supporters like James Woods, and even got a cheer from Jabba the Trump himself. It truly is the time to be a parka salesperson in Hell, because so much weird shit is happening (like Trump blowing an air kiss at Cher) and it proves that Hell hasn’t reached above 30 degrees Fahrenheit in ages.
Well, this is grabbing the third rail. I’m pretty sure there isn’t anything Cher can’t do. She reads Donald Trump to filth while planning a dinner party – all in the same tweet!—she sings, and she shows range by acting in Academy Award-winning movies as well as, uh, not Academy Award-winning movies like Burlesque. Well, someone still isn’t convinced. Most people thought Cher did a great job in Mask, but the movie’s director, Peter Bogdanovich, says we can thank him for that performance and that Cher acts about as well as someone in a kindergarten production of A Christmas Carol.