Fitting that I’m writing about Cher because you haven’t seen the last of me!
Most years it seems like 90% of the tricks who somehow get an invite to the Met Gala ignore the theme and just shamelessly promote themselves with a hot piece on their arm and perky chi-chis (just ask Tom Brady. His chi-chis are always perky and he avoids Met Gala theme). This year’s camp theme actually got some people adhering to the costume rule, but the night’s biggest surprise, however, came later when Cher (the actual Cher) showed up to sing.
I mean, if we’re going to get into a mess involving Trump, Cher, and immigration, we may as well first dust our eyes with some bodyguard hotness and perfectly plucked man brows. Now that our eyes have been cleaned, let’s shit them up!
Cher has long been a liberal warrior who uses Twitter to trash Trump while pushing our brains to their breaking point as we try to figure out what the hell she’s trying to say (but by now many of us are fluent in Twitter Cher). But the other day, Cher cher’d her thoughts on immigration and received slow claps from Trump supporters like James Woods, and even got a cheer from Jabba the Trump himself. It truly is the time to be a parka salesperson in Hell, because so much weird shit is happening (like Trump blowing an air kiss at Cher) and it proves that Hell hasn’t reached above 30 degrees Fahrenheit in ages.
Well, this is grabbing the third rail. I’m pretty sure there isn’t anything Cher can’t do. She reads Donald Trump to filth while planning a dinner party – all in the same tweet!—she sings, and she shows range by acting in Academy Award-winning movies as well as, uh, not Academy Award-winning movies like Burlesque. Well, someone still isn’t convinced. Most people thought Cher did a great job in Mask, but the movie’s director, Peter Bogdanovich, says we can thank him for that performance and that Cher acts about as well as someone in a kindergarten production of A Christmas Carol.
You know that saying about how you can’t get blood from a stone or water from a rock, or whatever? (Some of you whores may have thought of that saying while breaking your hand bones from spending way too long trying to get jizz out of a Viagra-made boner.) I thought of that saying while watching Cher squirt out tears, because I thought the stunning goddess molded out of plasticine had her tear ducts filled with Botox years ago. But I guess the magical power of Adam Lambert’s voice made the impossible happen.
The Kennedy Center Honors (not to be confused with my favorite kind of honors, The Kennedy Davenport Honors) happened earlier this month, but it aired on CBS last night. The moment that is making the rounds is when Freddie Mercury’s Wednesday matinee understudy cooed out an easy listening rendition of Cher’s biggest hit Believe. Besides Cher’s eyes releasing tears of sparkling beauty as though she just heard the words, “Trump’s been impeached,” my favorite part is at the 1:22 mark when Glamberace pulls out his ear monitor. You know a singer is about to drop some dramatic shit on you when they pull out their ear monitor. (Tip: Whenever you’re doing karaoke and are about to hit a high note while singing your song of choice, pull out an imaginary ear monitor and watch the bitches tip over.)
Okay, I changed my mind. My favorite part starts at the 2:17 mark when he lets out two theatrical gasps while looking up. My guess is that the first gasp came from his mind being blown over his own angelic voice, and the second came from him seeing the face of God, and yes by the face of God I mean Cher in the balcony.
If Kim Kardashian had her own version of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music, she might list off attention, money, whatever is injected into her butt and Cher’s name. Kim loves Cher and dressed as her for Halloween. Last night, she and Kanye West went to the opening night performance of the Broadway musical based on Cher’s life, The Cher Show. Since Kanye’s version of “My Favorite Things” would just involve listing his own name 20 to 30 times, it should come as no surprise that Kanye didn’t care about anything other than himself and texted during the show.
Even though we all know a nuclear bomb would only leave the world with Cher and an audience of cockroaches, the chanteuse has been floating the idea of retirement since before most of us were old enough to pass for the age on our fake IDs and we can all remember the scam of her first farewell tour. Cher says she’s retiring as much as I lie about my weight to my doctor, but the beat and the albums go on. Her ABBA cover album finally came out today, and she still says she has thoughts of hanging it up.