I See Kanye West Is Designing Red Carpet Gowns Now

Any way to make a little extra cash, I guess. I’m joking, of course; as fas as I know, Kanye West hasn’t released a line of formal pantyhose refugee rags. I do, however, know that Rooney Mara’s Mad Max-meets-washing your dirty lace panties in the sink look from the BAFTAs last night is courtesy of Kanye’s best boo Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy, which actually makes a lot of sense.

I bet this dress started out as a sketch for a normal red carpet gown, but then Riccardo made the mistake of showing it to Kanye during one of their Friday night No Kims Allowed sleepovers in France. That’s when Kanye whipped out his favorite beige marker and book of funeral home curtain samples and turned it into the decomposing hobo bride couture you see above. And of course Rooney loved it, because she loves looking like a haunted vintage doll on prom night.

Rooney Mara wasn’t the only one who showed up to the British Oscars looking like a damp mess. Her Carol co-star Cate Blanchett, who usually gives ten tons of WTF excellence, showed up in some kind of tapestry on the top/goth Christmas Tree garland on the bottom thing. Although it does look like her tapestry is spreading down her body like an expensive rash, and Rich Lady Rash is a look I can get behind.

Here’s more fancy-dressed famous types from last night, including Kate Winslet looking like a chick whose goal is to bang Gordon Gekko and Kate Capshaw giving you “I cut my bangs in the limo on the ride over!” realness.

Pics: Wenn.com

Rooney Mara Is Probably Going To Play Mary Magdalene In A Movie

A few months after saying, “Errr, maybe that mess wasn’t the best idea,” about playing a whitewashed Tiger Lily in that turd of a Peter Pan movie, Rooney Mara is in talks to play Mary Magdelene in a biopic. I guess now we know for sure that Emma Stone and Rooney Mara have the same role advisor.

Deadline says that director Garth Davis has offered Rooney the role of the apostle to the apostles and one of history’s most legendary hookers in what is described as an “authentic and humanistic portrait of one of the most enigmatic and misunderstood spiritual figures in history.” Garth directed Rooney in a movie called Lion which comes out later this year. If Rooney signs on to play Mary Magdalene, it’ll start filming this summer and come out next year. Garth said this about Rooney playing Mary Magdelene:

“Rooney’s raw, brave approach to performances, coupled with her deeply magnetic inner life, holds all the dimensions needed to bring to life one of history’s most misunderstood woman — Mary Magdalene. Having worked with Rooney on Lion, I know she is a once in a lifetime talent.”

If the use of the word “authentic” is making you squint while saying, “Bitch, PLEASE,” under your breath, then you obviously haven’t read the Bible. In the Bible, Mary M is described as a “goth waif ferret who is like the living version of Morrissey’s most boring song .” So Rooney is perfect! And in other movie news, Joseph Fiennes has dropped out of playing Michael Jackson in that road trip fuckery movie and has been replaced by Rooney Mara!

Pics: Wenn.com

Alicia Vikander Channels The Ugly Afghan On Roseanne’s Couch

The Screen Actors Guild Awards was last night and as you know big things happened in diversity. (Well, hello #SAGsSoBlack) But as you also know in life, the good comes with the bad. And if you need further proof of the latter statement take a look at the nominees who walked the red carpet. While many actresses effortlessly slayed (I’m looking at you Rachel McAdams.. “And I’m looking at you, Lori Petty!” – Michael), others lost sense of the space-time continuum and common sense, showing up dressed like a Project Runway reject designed their gowns. The latter remark is best applied to actress Alicia Vikander who wore a long-sleeved, sparkly Louis Vuitton dress that bore a striking resemblance to the afghan on Roseanne’s couch. The dress just screams, “We were short on material while sewing this number” with its large patchwork of mismatched colors and unflattering large squares. Instead of shutting down questions, Alicia’s dress incited a lot more. I ask you, “When has gold and blue ever worked as a color combination?”

I’m sure the snooty fashion mavericks at Louis Vuitton convinced her on that wolf ticket of a dress by saying, “Darling! It’s gorgeous on you! What more can you ask for: chic and 70s-inspired? Voila!” And of course, because she’s obligated by contract as the face of Louis Vuitton to wear it, she fell for it. But I don’t blame Alicia because her thought process is technically hazy considering she’s at stage 10 of dickmatization courtesy of her, er, well-equipped boyfriend Michael Fassbender. Yes, she did nab an award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Movie for her performance in The Danish Girl which is lovely. But I’m positive all she was concerned about was running back to her hotel room to get some Fassbender lovin.’ “Who cares about this God-forsaken borrowed dress,” Alicia mumbled to herself, statue clutched in her hand, as the elevator ascended back to her complimentary room. “I’m going to get plowed by the best of them as soon as I enter my room.”

My thoughts exactly, Alicia. My thoughts exactly.

For more of the horror show known as the red carpet, browse the slideshow below for WTF moments from some of your favorite actresses such as Nicole Kidman, Kaley Cuoco, Christina Hendricks, Laverne Cox, Rooney Mara, Kate Mara, January Jones, and many more.

Pics: Wenn.com

Why Do I All Of A Sudden Have A Craving For French’s Mustard?

Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).

Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:

1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.

2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.

But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).

And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.

Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Johnny Depp Thanks Amber Heard For Putting Up With Him

“And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!”

Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.

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Rooney Mara Felt Bad About The Whitewashing Of Tiger Lily Controversy

When goth ferret Rooney Mara was cast as Tiger Lily in the 1,856,456th version of Peter Pan, some people raged over the whitewashing of it all and others shrugged it off while saying, “I sort of see it.” I mean, if you shake your head until you’ve got the dizzies and then squint while looking at Rooney Mara, she sort of looks Asian and Asian is practically Native American in Hollywood, right?

At the NYC premiere of Pan (pictures below), Rooney told People that before she even met with director Joe Wright about the role, she thought to herself, “Err, maybe me, a white chick, playing Tiger Lily isn’t the greatest idea.” It’s not like Rooney needs the money, because she comes from an NFL dynasty and if she needs a lot of money all she has to do is put her hands under her uncle’s butt and ask him to fart out a few diamonds and gold coins for her. But when Rooney met with Joe and heard his vision, she wanted in. In other words, they totally did peyote together. Rooney said this about the shit she got for taking the role:

“It wasn’t great. I felt really bad about it. It was something that I thought about before I met with Joe. When I met with Joe and heard what his plans for it were, it was something I really wanted to be a part of. But I totally sympathize with why people were upset and feel really bad about it.”

Translation: “I don’t give a shit.” No, that’s not fair to say. Rooney said she felt really bad about it twice, so she obviously felt really bad about it. Based on the reviews, people who see Pan this weekend may feel “really bad” that they paid actual money for tickets to it. And whenever I see that still from Pan of Rooney Mara, I don’t see Tiger Lily at all. I just see a raver who did too much molly at an Anthropologie and got twisted up in the curtain section.

Pics: Wenn.com