That Movie Where Emma Stone Plays Part-Asian Only Made $10 Million This Weekend

May 31, 2015 / Posted by:

That’s still $10 million more than I thought it would make.

Aloha (aka that shitty-looking Cameron Crowe movie that Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone and Rachel McAdams probably only did because they wanted to live in Hawaii for a few months) was the sinking turd of the box office this weekend. Aloha cost $37 million and it brought in only $10 million. This is pretty much the opposite of shocking since Sony barely did any promo for it and during the whole Sony Hack mess, Amy Pascal made it clear in several emails that Aloha makes about as much sense as a metal spiked dildo and is “ridiculous.” They should’ve known that Aloha wouldn’t end well as soon as Emma Stone was cast as a woman named Allison Ng who is a quarter Hawaiian, a quarter Chinese and a quarter Swedish. The Swedish part must have eaten the Chinese and Hawaiian parts.

Aloha came in 6th at the US box office this weekend. This is what the top 10 looked like:

1. San Andreas – $53.2 million
2. Pitch Perfect 2 – $14.4 million
3. Tomorrowland – $14 million
4. Mad Max: Fury Road – $13.6 million
5. Avengers: Age of Ultron – $11 milion
6. Aloha – $10 million
7. Poltergeist – $7.8 million
8. Far from the Madding Crowd – $1.4 million
9. Hot Pursuit – $1.37 million
10. Home – $1.2 million

I almost went to see Aloha yesterday, because I love a good piece of trash, but I cherish the tiny piece of dignity I have left (haha, like I have any dignity left) and knew it would disappear as soon as I said the words: “One for Aloha please!” So I went to see San Andreas instead and spent most of the movie thinking that The Rock should really take that helicopter to the Maury show, because Laurie Lewis from All My Children playing his and Carla Gugino’s daughter doesn’t really make sense in the genetics department.

But I am looking forward to watching Aloha when it eventually makes its basic cable debut on Lifetime (SPOILER ALERT: That will happen next week), because reviews like this one sold me:

Aloha isn’t horrible, but it does have a pitiable odor about it, like a dog that’s sat too long on the beach.”

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