Here’s Cate Blanchett And Rooney Mara Staring At Each Other A Lot In The ‘Carol’ Trailer

Here’s the trailer for Carol. The defiantly non-Sapphic Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara play two ladies falling in love in the 1950s. Carol is a socialite who has an affair with a younger department store clerk played by Mara. Kyle Chandler plays Carol’s estranged husband. I’m sorry but I can’t suspend my disbelief for this one. Rooney is definitely an attractive extraterrestrial, but no one is leaving squinty, sexy, Texas football coachin’, Florida sheriffin’ Kyle Chandler. Did you see Bloodline? He’s all middle-aged, wavy hair, sorta getting a belly but who gives a fuck hot. Sweaty button-downs and the badge and trying to save his family from the psycho brother. It was like softcore gay porn!

It’s also the sort of film director Todd Haynes likes to make where he’s paying homage to his beloved dramas of yesteryear. This means there’s going to be a lot of lush period settings and melodramatic white women staring off into the distance or at each other. I’m sure it will be lovely but damn, they do a lot of staring.

Watch the trailer and a gallery featuring Cate and Rooney (with Todd Haynes) at Cannes back in May below. They look like they’re playing an alien mother and daughter in a made-for-TV Dune sequel.

Pics: INFPhoto.com

So I Guess Tiger Lily Just Got Back From Burning Man…

Peter Pan is so NOW in Hollywood. They’re giving us that soon-to-be shipwreck TV Peter Pan musical starring Brian Williams’ daughter and next year they’re giving us that “international, multi-cultural” (the director’s words, not mine) Pan movie directed by Joe Wright. The trailer was released today and it’s so international and so multi-cultural that watching it will make you feel like you’re speeding through the It’s A Small World ride.

Pan is the untold story (when you’re told the story is untold, it’s probably been told before) of Peter Pan’s origins and it stars Hugh Jackmeoff as Blackbeard, Garrett GimmeHedlund as a young, sexy, pre-evil Captain Hook, Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily, Cara Delawhatever as a mermaid and Levi Miller as Peter Pan. The beginning of the trailer looks like every other fantasy movie out today and shit gets messy when Tiger Lily and her tribe of Coachella lizards pop up on the screen. If Joe Wright’s vision of Tiger Lily is a festival-hopping mess who loves molly and wears outfits from the House of You So Different, he should have just cast Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens. She’s already got the costumes and she can do that “stoned Zoolander deer caught in the headlights” look better than Rooney can.

While watching the trailer, just focus on Garrett Hedlund’s swoon worthy tendrils and you should be okay:

Even Hugh Jackman looks a mess. I don’t like it when he wears clothes even when the clothes make him look like a medieval Liberace mixed with Gary Oldman’s Dracula. But I’m glad that one of John Travolta’s wigs got extra work on Hugh’s head.

File Under WTF: Rooney Mara Will Play Tiger Lily In An Upcoming Peter Pan Film

Oh, you say you don’t remember Tiger Lily as being a moody white girl sourpuss? What a coincidence…neither do I. NEITHER DOES ANYBODY. Casting Rooney Mara as Peter Pan’s Native American princess friend is 1000 Neverland-colored shades of NO. And if you’re an actress who’s 1/16th Navajo or greater, stop dialling your agent to bitch them out for not getting you an audition, because according to Variety, you were never even in the running.

Warner Bros. has tapped Rooney Mara to play Tiger Lily in its Peter Pan origin tale “Pan.” The world being created is multi-racial/international – and a very different character than previously imagined.

The studio took on an exhaustive search in finding the right girl to play Lily looking at other actresses such as Lupita Nyonog’o and “Blue is the Warmest Color” thesp Adele Exarchopoulos before going out to Mara for the role.

There’s so much WTF in that statement for my brain to process, that it gave up and is currently soaking in the bath with a box of wine and a bag of Doritos, so let’s see if I can tackle this one on my own. First off, we have a Peter Pan origin story; it’s called Hook and it’s perfect. The End. Second, the cast is already heavy on the white people (Garrett Hedlund, Hugh Jackman) so if you’re creating a “multi-racial/international world”, maybe don’t swap out a Native American character for another white one. Thirdly, you looked at Lupita Nyong’o, but you passed on her for Rooney Mara? I’d ask if Lupita is being considered for Tinkerbell, but I’m afraid to find out you also see Tinkerbell as a “very different character” who now keeps it real through farts, and cast Jennifer Lawrence.

Since this is supposed to be some edgy multi-cultural nü-Pan shit, maybe they’re planning on making Tiger Lily a cyborg, or a half-tiger/half-lilypad mutant, but she’s probably going to just look like a white chick at Coachella. And no word from the original Tiger Lily, but chances are this is what she thinks of this mess:

“If I wasn’t tied to this anchor, I’d be making some serious HELL NO, HO hand gestures right about now.”

(Pic: Splash)

Gloom Wears A Garment Bag…….

Here’s Emo WASP Rooney Mara looking like she’s feeling her usual emotion of “eh” at the Rome Film Festival premiere of Spike Jonze’s Her tonight.  I usually like the crap that Rooney puts on her body, because she dresses like an alien who came to earth, watched Scarface went back to her home planet and tried to recreate Elvira Hancock’s looks using local materials, but I’m not sure about this white laundry bag shit she’s wearing. Bitch looks like she’s wearing a white chiffon napkin overlay over a white lace napkin. She looks likes she belongs on a table at a bitchy rich girl’s quinceanera. The spirit of a Kryptonian girl who has been floating across the universe ever since the planet Krypton exploded is pointing at Rooney while saying, “Bitch stole my first communion dress!”

And here’s more pictures from the Her premiere including ScarJo looking like the hostess at a Bavarian beerhouse and Joaquin Phoenix looking like his groomers actually flea dipped him.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Elizabeth Olsen Replaces Ashley As Mary-Kate’s Date, Looks Thrilled While Doing So

Whenever I see pictures from ~fashun~ events, a cold sense of fear covers my body and a creepier, a cappella version of the Troll Song crawls into my ears, because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are usually there together looking like two giddy, little evil bridge urchins who are about to ask you to solve an unsolvable riddle. But a strange thing happened at the CFDA Fashion Awards in NYC last night. Ashley Olsen was not there!

Did an enchanted forest giant accidentally stomp on Ashley while she was collecting mushrooms to make a potion with? Was she a guest at that red wedding shit? Did Gandalf get her when she was trying to snatch Bilbo Baggins with her fellow goblins? Did her housekeeper once again mistake her for a greasy hairball that fell out of a cat’s mouth and vacuum her up? Whatever the case may be, Ashley Olsen was not there last night. Ashley and MK’s younger sister Elizabeth Olsen showed up in her place and made the face anybody would make if they had to pose next to a Trollsen while dressed like a warlock priest.

Elizabeth Olsen tried, but she just can’t prune as good as her sisters can. What’s really disturbing is that Mary-Kate can prune even when Ashley isn’t next to her. I thought their prune powers were only activated when they were standing next each other? I guess not. We should all be scared by this.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s CFDA Fashion Awards, which are like the Golden Globes to the Met Gala’s Oscars. In order after the Olsens: Miranda Kerr, Zang Toi (wearing Kanye West’s next stage outfit), Betsey Johnson, Sofia Vergara, Nicole Richie, Ethan Hawke, Michelle Harper (thank the lord a Kardashian wasn’t there or they would’ve fucked that black rod on Michelle’s head), Zachary Quinto, Jessica Chastain, Linda Evangelista, Ireland Baldwin, Karolina Kurkova, Adriana Lima, Juliette Lewis, Jess from Girls (bitch, you ain’t Martha Graham), Rooney Mara and Kerry Washington.

Blake Lively Out, Rooney Mara In

Rooney Mara, seen on the right looking like Alfalfa after eating a whole bunch of pomegranate seeds, has taken the lead role in Steven Soderbergh’s new movie after the bag of mumbles with blonde hair we call Blake Lively was dropped. In Side Effects, Rooney will play a pill-popping mess who goes crazy while waiting for her husband to get out of the clink. Carol O’Neal (government name: Channing Tatum) will play her husband and this shit also stars Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jude Law. It starts shooting sometime in April.

IndieWire reported last week that one of the movie’s main investors pulled all their cash out after Steven Soderbergh cast Blake NotSoLively in the lead role, because they weren’t exactly impressed with the highly-trained thespian skills she lays down in the PBS’ masterpiece drama series Gossip Girl. Since Blake was with the movie’s money, Steven Soderbergh dropped her and picked up an Oscar nominee instead.

If anybody can play a sedated, fucked up mess, it’s not Blake, but she wouldn’t be that bad at it since she naturally carries herself like a permanently confused inbred kitten who treats the concussion it suffers from with NyQuil and generic Valium. But Blake getting dumped isn’t the funniest thing about this. I mean, investors pulled their money out over Blake, but yet they were okay with Channing Tatum? Or should I call him, Sir Channing Tatum, since he’s obviously going to get knighted for his contribution to the art of making water damaged cardboard seem interesting. It has to burn a ho’s ass lips off knowing that she got fired for being a shit actor, but Channing Tatum doesn’t.

Anyway, here’s Blake’s replacement Rooney Mara wearing a garden of angel labias with David Fincher at the Tokyo premiere of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.