Suzanne Somers is probably best known for two things: playing proud dummy Chrissy Snow on Three’s Company, and being the spokesperson for the ThighMaster. She and her husband of 54 years, 85-year-old Alan Hamel, began selling the ThighMaster in 1990, and, in a recent appearance on the podcast Hollywood Raw with Dax Holt and Adam Glyn, Suzanne revealed that it’s been her biggest money-maker. The 75-year-old had to double-check with her husband, but she explained that the product cost $19.95, and she’s probably sold about 15 million units. Podcast host Dax did the math on his calculator and revealed the number was $299,250,000. Holy shit! A giant “fuck you” to the ABC execs who fired Suzanne for asking for the same salary as her Three’s Company co-star John Ritter.
So much WTF is going on here that I don’t know where to start. On Friday, Suzanne Somers, dressed for the tragic-but-still-call-it-fashion funeral of a backup dancer in a Madonna video circa 1987, was in the midst of taping a Facebook Live segment for her makeup line at her Palm Springs, CA home, which can be yours for just $8.5 million. During that Facebook Live, a man, who was dressed for a far less formal occasion, somehow found his way into her home and had a chat with her until he was politely escorted off the property with help from her husband Alan Hamel.
Oh god, he’s totally poking it from behind in that pic, right? You dirty trollops, you’re at a charity event for children! Somebody turn the hose on those horny uncouth sluts!
After Suzanne Somers graciously celebrated her 73-year-old birthday by gifting us with the vision of her squatting naked in the wild on her property in Palm Springs, she told us that her husband of 42 years, 83-year-old Alan Hamel, took the pic. Well, now I also have the vision of Suzanne taking tweezers to Alan’s pepaw nalgas to pick out cactus pricks, which he got as she rode that dick on the dirt after he was overcome with horniness from seeing his wife’s naked body. Because according to Suzanne, fuck o’clock (or fuck ole’ cock) rings twice a day in their house and they have peptides to thank for that.
As Ferris Bueller once said, life moves pretty fast, and if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, Chrissy from Three’s Company is a 73-year-old Golden Girl crouching naked in a field. Suzanne Somers was a big part of my household growing up, partly because I loved Three’s Company, but mostly because my mom bought a Thighmaster sometime in the late 80’s and it sat around collecting dust until she finally sold it at a garage sale. According to Page Six, Suzanne is living her best life and just celebrated her 73rd birthday by sharing a nude photo taken of her by Alan Hamel, her husband of over 40 years. And since living one’s best life usually comes with a hefty price tag, she’s got a book about aging coming out.
Actors hungry for that Oscar prepared for hustling season last night by Spanx-ing up their bodies, saying goodbye to real food for a couple of months and gargling with lemon-infused hot water so their voices are moistened up enough for them to talk, talk and talk about how much they suffered while playing the role they should win all the awards for. Of course I’m not lumping Laurie Metcalf with those actors. She doesn’t have to do all that shit, because she’s Laurie Fucking Metcalf and if she wants respect, all she has to do is say, “I played Aunt Jackie in Roseanne.”
Awards season officially started last night with the opening of The Palm Springs International Film Festival, where Jessica Chastain (Chairman’s Awards), everyone involved with The Shape of Water (Vanguard Award), Allison Janney (Spotlight Award), Gary Oldman (Desert Palm Achievement Award, Actor), Mary J. Blige (Breakthrough Performance Award), Holly Hunter (Career Achievement Award), Timothée Chalamet (Rising Star Award), Willem Dafoe (Icon Award) and more were honored.
Laurie Metcalf was there to honor her Lady Bird co-star Saoirse Ronan with the Desert Palm Achievement Award, Actress. We already knew this, but Aunt Jackie is a saint. I mean, she showed up to an award show to give someone else a trophy instead of getting one. A 20-year-old model is probably trapped under a passed out Leonardo DiCaprio right now, because he fainted over the thought of that.
Not only did Laurie Metcalf show up to honor someone else, but she brought the glamour too by wearing what a 90s Taco Bell would wear if it was turned into a human and became the leader of a new age cult.
Here’s more from last night, and you can stop after Suzanne Somers, because the star power and glamour does downhill from there.
Oh, Nicole, Nicole, please save your Taylor Swift role-play costumes for your bedroom times with Keith Urban. Our eyes don’t need it!
“Hmmm, I don’t remember seeing a badly made Taylor Swift wax figure on the guest list,” said the organizers of the opening gala of the Palm Springs International Festival last night when Nicole Kidman walked the red carpet in one of Elle Fanning’s old dresses that her kids doodled on. That dress was made by Dior, but it looks more like something from David Bridal’s collection of wedding clothes inspired by Angelina Jolie’s doodled-on wedding dress. That whole look is giving me a Big situation. Because of that end-of-the-night prom hair and that dress from Justice, it looks like a little girl took over her body and made all of the design decisions for her. It’s a little Whatever Happened To Baby Jane goes to spring formal.
Thankfully, glamorous savior Suzanne Somers once again cleansed the red carpet of messy dreadfulness with her Ann Jillian razor cut, Wayland Flowers-approved rouge and L’eggs covered legs.
If it went with her ensemble, I’d say that Suzanne Somers should get a Medal of Honor for saving events with her sparkly glamour!
And here’s more pics from the Palm Springs International Film Festival including Natalie Portman wearing Darth Vader maternity chic and Pharrell Williams looking like the manager at a matador-themed gay club that only plays songs from the 80s.