Category: Post Malone
Open Post: Hosted By Post Malone’s Last Tattoo Of 2019
I’m pleased to report that Post Malone decided to end the year in the most Post Malone way possible. Which is to say that Post Malone located a few inches of un-inked skin on his face, and decided to fill it with a big tattoo in honor of the end of 2019. Not only is it officially a new year, but it’s also now that much more difficult to dress up as Post Malone for Halloween.
The Red Carpet Looks At The American Music Awards Were Messy But Fun
It’s not that the Grammys are for your parents, the Grammys are your parents. Old, strict, self-serious, adore Adele, and are prone to making arbitrary decisions like letting JLo perform a Motown medley. Just ask Halsey who basically yelled at them “you’re not the boss of me” during her acceptance speech last night at the American Music Awards. The AMAs are your cool, twice-divorced aunt who taught you how to french inhale and has a lover in Madrid who she visits every Spring. As such, she’s a lot more fun. But unlike your parents who actually clothe, house, and feed your ungrateful ass, her gifts are frivolous and tacky. But fun! That dynamic was reflected in the red carpet looks from last night’s AMAs. Risks were taken. Choices were made. For example, OG fun aunt Christina Aguilera showed up looking like a goddamn snack. A saltine cracker, specifically. Which is a shame because believe me, most of the people there were already very, very thirsty.
Open Post: Hosted By Post Malone’s Bud Light-Inspired Fashion Line
Post Malone has come out with a crazy expensive Bud Light fashion collection, including $250 jeans with the words Bud Light written all over them and $85 sweat pants with the same print. So I know that the Olsen Twins perfected the homeless chic look, but this is next level expensive trash bag look. Post basically made a fashion line that your parents first did when they saved up all their Marlboro miles and got a new T-shirt.
The Red Carpet Looks At The Grammy Awards Were Out Of This World
The Grammys red carpet always looks like an intergalactic space orgy sprinkled with a bunch of random rappers who just rolled out of bed with barely enough time to grab their grill from the bedside table thrown in for good measure. Every year, it’s a mess. Plus you’ve always got legitimate superstars mixed in with a whole lot whosits and whateverhappenedtos. This year’s Grammy red carpet was no exception. I’m trying to sift through some of these looks, and honestly don’t know where to begin.
Post Malone Designed A Pair Of Crocs, And They’re Already Sold Out
Crocs, America’s unofficial shoe of screaming theme park moms and kids with permanent fruit punch mouth. They don’t need celebrity endorsements, because they really sell themselves. What are you going to wear when you’re screaming at your kid that they’ve had enough red juice? But they continue to pay famous people, possibly in hopes that someone will make Crocs seem cool. As it turns out, Crocs found that person in a human that looks a tattooed Fozzie Bear, and he’s done a good job of selling them.
Open Post: Hosted By Rita Ora As Post Malone
It’s Shallowqueen time, and while many famous tricks are going full Slutoween (see: Parasite “Why Am I Still Talking About her?” Hilton as a slutty raver bunny from 90s pastel hell), others decided to go the scary route. Like Rita Ora who did herself up in Garbage Pail Kid drag by going to a Halloween thing as Post Malone.
For the KISS Haunted House Party in London last night, Rita turned her face in a high school boy’s scribbled-on paper bag book cover by getting fake tattoos to be Shia LaBeouf’s not-as-messy brother. Rita finished the look with a wig that horrifies the hell out of me because it’s what my hair looks like if I don’t condition it every damn day, enough jewelry to make a TSA agent quit on the spot, a fake beard, and Post’s soulmate, a bottle of Bud Light. In case you don’t know, this is what the real Post Malone looks like.
While Rita almost nailed that shit, she looks way too clean and freshly bathed. Whenever I see a picture of Post Malone, my nostrils should close up and the tips of my eyebrow hairs should singe. You did Post wrong there, Rita!
Rita also posted a video of her taking the stage, and nobody realizing it was her. Surprisingly, the video doesn’t go down like this:
Audience: Oh my God, Post Malone we love you!
Rita: It’s not Post Malone! It’s me, Rita!
Audience: *crickets*
Rita: Ora! Ri-ta Or-ah!
Audience: *louder crickets*
Rita: Oh fuck it, it’s me Post Malone.
