It’s Shallowqueen time, and while many famous tricks are going full Slutoween (see: Parasite “Why Am I Still Talking About her?” Hilton as a slutty raver bunny from 90s pastel hell), others decided to go the scary route. Like Rita Ora who did herself up in Garbage Pail Kid drag by going to a Halloween thing as Post Malone.
For the KISS Haunted House Party in London last night, Rita turned her face in a high school boy’s scribbled-on paper bag book cover by getting fake tattoos to be Shia LaBeouf’s not-as-messy brother. Rita finished the look with a wig that horrifies the hell out of me because it’s what my hair looks like if I don’t condition it every damn day, enough jewelry to make a TSA agent quit on the spot, a fake beard, and Post’s soulmate, a bottle of Bud Light. In case you don’t know, this is what the real Post Malone looks like.
While Rita almost nailed that shit, she looks way too clean and freshly bathed. Whenever I see a picture of Post Malone, my nostrils should close up and the tips of my eyebrow hairs should singe. You did Post wrong there, Rita!
Rita also posted a video of her taking the stage, and nobody realizing it was her. Surprisingly, the video doesn’t go down like this:
Audience: Oh my God, Post Malone we love you!
Rita: It’s not Post Malone! It’s me, Rita!
Rita: Ora! Ri-ta Or-ah!
Audience: *louder crickets*
Rita: Oh fuck it, it’s me Post Malone.