Drew Barrymore was in one of the greatest movies ever made, Poison Ivy, and also in one of the greatest TV shows that existed, 2000 Malibu Road, so I used to think that she could really do no wrong. But that thought about Drew was torched from my brain as soon as I learned that not only did she sell her soul to the devil by signing a deal with CROCS (or “Crocth” as she probably calls them), but she also warble lisped out a song in a commercial for them. Oh, Drew, you know that there’s less offensive ways to come out as a Satan worshiper, like sacrificing a goat in the middle of a pentagram painted with blood. WHY, DREW, WHY? A check just ain’t a check if it comes from CROCS. It’s also a vow to spread the message of Satan throughout the land!
For CROCS’ “Come As You Are” campaign (Frances Bean Cobain, call your lawyers, girl), Drew did a little musical where she sings about how you don’t have to be perfect, or hot (and you won’t if you’re wearing CROCS), or bake a perfect cake, you just have to be comfortable in your own shoes. I blame La La Land for this.
It’s like a promo video for a horrifying cult. I made the mistake of watching it several times and now that unholy ditty is stuck in my brain. I think they got me. I expect that sometime today I will black out and wake up in the parking lot of a DSW Designer Shoe Warehouse holding a bag filled with CROCS. And even worse, I’ll probably have another pair of CROCS on my feet after deciding to wear the ones I bought out of the store. Don’t make the same mistake I did by watching it more than once. Save yourself while you still can!