Once Again, Lupita Nyong’o Shows The Red Carpet How It’s Done

You know you’re a legend-in-the-making when you roll up to the SAG Awards and serve up a hot slice of red carpet eleganza better than the SAG Awards red carpet itself. I bet the red carpet spent the rest of the night hissing “That bitch stole my look!” to anyone who would listen before finally accepting the fact that Lupita Nyong’o did it better. Bitch color-coordinated her dress to everything around her! That’s commitment.

Yes, technically Lupita’s dress is a typical fancy awards show dress, but it also sort of looks like what I imagine Beetlejuice’s prom date wore to the Netherworld High prom, or a piece of avant-garde Christmas wrapping paper. Lupita’s dress looks like the curtains Maria would use to make power suits for the von Trapp children if they ever remade The Sound of Music and set it in 1984. But more than anything, it reminds me a piece of goth Fruit Stripe gum, and I love it, because I love goths and I love Fruit Stripe gum.

Also, it’s got one of those huge-ass skirts you can sit with your legs wide open in all night and won’t show wine stains, which always gets two ketchup chip crumb-covered thumbs up from a slob like me.

Here’s more of Lupita working it out on the red carpet, as well as Emma Stone (whose shady goth real estate agent dress tried to take out Naomi Watts), a My Little Victoria Pony-looking Lorelei Linklater, Laverne Cox who – as usual – did Beyonce better than Beyonce, and everyone else:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Jennifer Aniston Had A Pretty Good Time At The Golden Globes

If you haven’t been able to guess by the sound of gleeful cackling coming from a fancy weed-scented chateau in France, Jennifer Aniston didn’t with that Best Most Serious Actress Who Isn’t Rachel Green Anymore award at the Golden Globes last night. Even though she’s been hustling Cake like the rent was due yesterday (see: that time she promoted Cake on The Dr. Oz Show), it doesn’t look like it really bothered her that much that she lost to Julianne Moore, because Jennifer Aniston truly is everyone’s no-fucks-given aunt.

First off, she arrived with the right attitude: be drunk and stay drunk, which she proved by grabbing Kate Hudson’s ass on the red carpet. Then she remained totally unfazed as she presented an award with America’s Current Lizard Sweetheart, Benedict Cumberbatch. That bitch was so chill, I bet that when she lost, she turned to Justin Theroux and was like “Well, that’s that. I’m going to the bathroom to take off my Spanx. Watch my purse, will ya?” Even when she was waiting for her ride at the end of the night, this TMZ video proves she was still a buzzed ball of fun:

As if calling someone a “fucker” wasn’t enough to win my heart for eternity, she was also dressed like the coolest girl at my high school prom: tits covered in sequins, thigh-high slit, wearing some random rented cummerbund she found on the floor of a limo, and her hair done up in a french twist with one single face-framing strand that she styled in the bathroom using a flask of Malibu. Basically = the coolest.

Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston, as well as a bunch of other well-dressed types last night, like Emma Stone wearing pants and a fancy tube top and Naomi Watts wearing a diamond snake:

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com, Splash

Behold, The Basic Bitch Version Of The Seven Dwarfs

Well look who we have here, it’s the seven basic bitches: Skinny, Boozy, Aussie, Goopy, Cougary, Bleachy, and McCartney (you know you’re the definition of basic when your nickname is just your last name).

On Friday night, struggling single mother Gwyneth Paltrow treated herself to a night out with her girlfriends at vegan restaurant Crossroads (once again, I feel the need to mention that it is tragically NOT a Crossroads-themed restaurant). Since it’s scientifically impossible to have a group of seven women get together for a girl’s night without taking a picture of it as proof (try it – I promise you it’s impossible), Gwyneth made sure not to leave without uploading a selfie to Instagram of herself, Nicole Richie, Chelsea Handler, Naomi Watts, Sam Taylor-Wood, Gwen Stefani, and Stella McCartney. Hold on a second, Nicole Richie? Color me a Simple Life-shade of confused. When did they become friends? OH MY GOD, WHO CARES. This group of women is the visual form of chasing 2 Ambien with a mug of Sleepytime tea.

Even though I normally cackle with delight in watching Gwyneth Paltrow try to do normal people things (divorces, hot dogs, etc) I actually really like this picture. I know, book me a room at Calmwood. Whatever filter (or lack of filter) Gwyneth used makes it look like the picture was taken during the middle of a seance held at Castle Goopskull using a broken Polaroid i-Zone, and Gwen Stefani is the first poor soul to be possessed by the malevolent spirit they summoned from hell. It’s like Paranormal Activity 4: Snobby Rich Ladies. It’s terrifying. I love it.

Julia Roberts’ Golden Globes Dress Divides A Nation (Not Really)

The Ghost of Jennifer Lawrence’s future Julia Roberts showed up to the Golden Globes yesterday wearing an ensemble that made some whores applaud and made other whores, including this whore, wonder where her serving tray full of champagne flutes was since she looked like an overdressed cater waiter. Julia made some best dressed lists (and I’m guessing one of those lists is from the American Foundation For The Blind) and she made a lot of worst dressed lists. This applies to almost everything in life, but I looked at Julia and thought to myself, “Sharon Stone did it first and did it better, bitch.”

Julia’s look made me want to roll up my jeans and dab a little Dior Poison on my b-hole, because bitch was giving me 90s all the way. If you traveled back to 1993 and strolled into a Charlotte Russe with an Orange Julius (aka the Frappuccino of the 90s) in your hand and walked to the prom section, you’d find that dress hanging there. It’s like Mimi’s beehive from the Can’t Let Go video and one of the P.E. outfits from Clueless crashed into Julia at the same time. She looks like the least charismatic member of an all-white En Vogue cover group.

If Julia wore a black velvet choker and smelled like Primo, this would’ve been the look.

Because I really don’t want to throw up 100 more Golden Globes posts (cut to Allison, Megan and I throwing up 100 more Golden Globes posts in the next 3 hours), here’s tons of looks from last night including Hermione Granger giving us a reverse mullet and Zoe Saldana looking like an old snobby lady’s fabric scrap bin.

And Now I Really Want To See That Princess Diana Movie

Before the critics had seen Diana starring Naomi Watts as Prince Hot Ginge’s mother and Sayid from Lost as Dr. Khan, some were predicting that she would get her third Oscar nomination. But now that the first reviews from the British press are out, it looks like the only nomination she’ll get is for a Razzzie. Don’t you just love it when a Razzie bites at Oscar bait.

The trailer for Diana makes it look like an ABC movie of the week from the late 90s that was shot in 10 days and should’ve starred Meredith Baxter-Birney as Princess Diana. It looks terrible and the reviews say that it is. Digital Spy and HuffPo put together the best of the worst reviews and the British critics went in and tore that mess apart. Here’s the ones that made me run over to Fandango to buy my ticket NOW!

Naveen Andrews, playing Khan, looks as if he’s just stumbled on to a movie set while Watts (last seen in the execrable Movie 43) displays little of Diana’s nervy fragility. Despite a peroxide hair-job, she looks, sounds and acts nothing like the Princess of Wales. Wesley Snipes in a blonde wig would be more convincing. – The Daily Mirror

Poor Princess Diana. I hesitate to use the term “car crash cinema”. But the awful truth is that, 16 years after that terrible day in 1997, she has died another awful death. This is due to an excruciatingly well-intentioned, reverential and sentimental biopic about her troubled final years, laced with bizarre cardboard dialogue – a tabloid fantasy of how famous and important people speak in private. – The Guardian

There are a number of lines you never, ever want to hear Diana, Princess of Wales say, and they include: ‘I love feeling your hand there’, and ‘Yes, I’ve been a mad bitch’. Even when these lines are delivered by the fragrant Naomi Watts, doing her level best with a squirmingly embarrassing script, this film is still atrocious and intrusive. – The Times

Up until now, I never knew that what I really need in my life is to see Noxeema Jackson in a Princess Diana biopic. Thank you for that, The Daily Mirror.

Here’s future Razzie nominee Naomi Watts and her son arriving in Paris today.

Pics: Splash

The Mighty O On Paula Deen’s N-Word Scandal

When Oprah interviewed Paula Deen for Oprah’s Next Chapter last year, she stayed in the Deen family “guest house” in Georgia and now she knows why the “guest house” was actually a shack in the backyard and why there was an Aunt Jemima costume and a dinner bell lying on her cot. The Mighty O got to know Paula Deen, so at last night’s premiere of Lee Daniels’ The Butler in NYC, everybody with a mic asked her about it. Oprah recently said no friend of hers will ever use the n-word around her, so I’m surprised she didn’t tell reporters, “Paula who? Oh, you mean the Miss Millie whose company I’m going to buy with my play money and DESTROY just for fun?” Oprah told Entertainment Tonight that Paula is not the first white woman to use the n-word and also said that she tried to call Paula’s ass.

“In the very first days I tried to reach her and then I decided to stay out of it as I saw it blowing up. In time she will be fine. For me, it all just felt kind of sad.

Nobody in their right mind is going to call me the N-word. You know, you see those fools on Twitter sometime say ridiculous things. But nobody in their right mind is going to do that to my face, because true racism is being able to have power over somebody else. So that doesn’t happen to me that way.”

That’s Oprah’s way of saying, “I’m God, bitch,” and it’s also Oprah’s way of telling Squeak to come call her a “field nigger” to her face, because she really wants to tit pound that bitch through all the layers of the Earth into Hell.

Here’s more of FroPrah and Ted Head Stedman at last night’s The Butler premiere. I also threw in a bunch of pictures of other hos there including Mimi who showed up wearing a sling that can double as a studded fisting glove.

Pics: Wenn.com