Chris Hemsworth And Elsa Pataky Are Getting Dragged For Dunking Their Kid’s Head On His Birthday Cake

Mommy bloggers, assemble! Page Six reports that Chris Hemsworth and Elsa Pataky are getting dragged for their “violent” parenting prank. The couple has three kids: 10-year-old India Rose, and twin boys Tristan and Sasha, who turned nine this past weekend. To celebrate, 39-year-old Chris and 46-year-old Elsa got a chocolate birthday cake and shoved one of their sons’ (twins, impossible to identify) faces into it as a joke. Then Chris posted a pic of the stunt to Instagram, which was a big mistake, HUGE. Cuz people on the Internet have ‘pinions. And you bet your chocolate-covered face they’re gonna share ’em.

Continue reading

Elsa Pataky’s Car Got Stuck In A Flood And She Documented Her Escape On Instagram

In 2015, Elsa Pataky moved to the Land Down Under for her jacked Aussie husband of ten years, Chris Hemsworth. But Thor wasn’t there to help when 44-year-old Elsa’s car got stuck in a flood near their home in Byron Bay, New South Wales. The area was “recently pummelled with two days of rain”. Elsa tried driving across a watery part of the road, but got stuck, and took to Instagram Stories to document her escape.

When I first read the headlines, I thought, “INSTAGRAM STORIES?! In an emergency?! Why, I never! Celebrities today!” But when you watch the footage, it actually isn’t as near-death as it sounds.

Continue reading

Chris Hemsworth Is Grossed Out With How Disgustingly Rich He Is 

The always reliable CelebrityNetWorth.com claims Chris Hemsworth is worth this much:

When I look at that number, I curse at the Gods for not making me be born into Elsa Pataky. Because not only did she get to take a ride on one of my favorite panty creamers Adrien Brody’s glorious nose while screaming, “Give me the sneeze, snot up all in this, bitch,” in a damn castle, but she currently gets to scrub her genitals on Thor’s mega washboard abs as money falls out of his ass. But when Chris Hemsworth looks at that number, he gags as though his team of personal trainers just told him that his body fat went from 0% to 0.1%. Millionaire movie stars are just like us: they too get grossed out while looking at their bank account balance.

Continue reading

There’s Nothing Going On Between Chris Hemsworth And Angelina Jolie

Apparently all eyes were on Angelina Jolie on Golden Globes night. If you weren’t sneaking a quick glance to detect if a pair of devil horns popped up through her hair when Jennifer Aniston walked out on stage, you might have been staring at her table buddy. Angelina Jolie was seated next to Chris Hemsworth. Angelina and Chris hadn’t appeared in a movie together, and Chris’ wife Elsa Pataky was nowhere to be seen. Chris was on Ellen yesterday and Ellen DeGeneres said that people made a “thing” out of him sitting next to Angelina. Chris says it’s not a thing.

Continue reading

Chris Hemsworth Would Like You To Know That His Marriage Is Not In Trouble

The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day recently said that Chris Hemsworth and Elsa Pataky were “Hollywood’s next big split.” Woman’s Day claimed that Chris and Elsa were “taking a break” from their nearly 6 year marriage. It no doubt had the people of Australia clutching their koalas and gasping “NO! Not our beloved Hacky!” Everyone can relax, because Chris Hemsworth has announced that the rumor is as real as Thor’s ponytail.

Chris slapped at Woman’s Day by posting this picture of himself and Elsa cruising around on a boat to Instagram.

Looking for a new wife according to @womansdayaus and other misleading outlets! Honey you still love me right?! @elsapatakyconfidential #thanksfortheheadsup

A photo posted by Chris Hemsworth (@chrishemsworth) on Oct 23, 2016 at 8:55pm PDT

A few hours later, Elsa joined in by Instagramming a picture of herself snuggled up to her husband with the caption: “Ahora y siempre! Always and forever!”

Chris and Elsa got married after a few months of dating, and have made three kids together. They’re also both Hollywood actors, which makes them prime targets for 2016’s celebrity relationship curse. “Yes, that would be just awful” deadpanned everyone who has ever dreamed of getting with Thor.

Women’s Day claimed they heard that split talk from a “close friend” of Chris and Elsa’s. Either that close friend is right and Chris and Elsa’s relationship is hanging on by a thread, or they’re spreading lies because they’re secretly jealous that their friend Elsa gets to fall asleep every night next to that buff bag of hotness. If it’s the second one, that “friend” should be ashamed of themselves. A true friend is happy when their friend lands a hot-in-the-face hunk.

Pic: Splash

Charlize Theron Worked Some Elegant Exterminator Couture At The Premiere Of “The Hunstman: Winter’s War”

The Los Angeles premiere of The Hunstman: Two Angry Queens (or Winter’s War, whatever) happened at Westwood Village Theatre last night, and Charlize Theron decided to remind everyone that she used to get nothing but trash roles by strutting onto the red carpet covered in bugs. Obviously that’s a reach; I doubt that’s the reason why Charlize is covered in bugs. In all seriousness, it’s probably because it takes a year’s worth of hot showers to fully remove Sean Penn’s dirty wiener stink from your body.

Red carpets are usually a boring mess, so I appreciate that Charlize wore a dress with a bunch of sequined insects crawling around on a piece of cheap nude illusion fabric. There’s no rhyme or reason to those bugs either; it looks like they’re all searching for the exit. Those bugs don’t want to be at the premiere of The Huntsman 2, they want to be at the In-N-Out behind the Westwood, making bug babies on an uneaten pile of double-doubles in the dumpster.

At the very least, they don’t want to accidentally run into the crazy marker-huffing hillbilly chiggers that may have hitched a ride on Miley Cyrus. Miley was apparently there with her two-time-fiance Liam Hemsworth, but they decided to keep a low profile and skipped out before the lights came on.

Here’s more of Charlize at The Hunstman: Winter’s War last night, as well as everyone else who was there. Like Jessica Chastain, who is wearing a dress that looks heavier than the shit they put you in at the dentist to make sure the X-rays don’t liquefy your insides. And Emily Blunt, who is still very pregnant. Also included, Chris Hemsworth, whose rock-hard Thor thighs are 0.3 seconds from busting the side-seams of his pants (I don’t mind). Also, for some reason, Faye Dunaway was there? Although she doesn’t really need a reason, since Faye Dunaway is a legend and can walk any red carpet she damn well pleases.

Pic: Splash, Wenn.com