What A Weird Michael Bay-Directed Victoria’s Secret/Ambien Commercial…. Oh, Wait

For what feels like eons, Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus, and Lana Del Rey have been threatening us with this generation’s answer to Moulin Rouge’s Lady Marmalade. Well, keep a glass of water nearby, because you’re going to need to cleanse your palate from the bland bitterness of this Lady Ambien Chutney that MAL (No, that doesn’t stand for Miley, Ariana, and Lana. It stands for BAD) dropped onto eyes and ears last night. If you were late to work this morning and used the excuse, “Sorry, I overslept because I watched the industrial-strength sleep aid known as Don’t Call Me Angel,” I’m sure your boss hit back with, “Me too.”

That still of MAL sums the video up. Ariana’s neck and back are slowing breaking as she tries to bring the sexy while carrying ten tons of pony hair and feathers. Miley Cyrus is pooting out a cloud of manufactured edgy sexiness. And Lana Del Rey is trying to remember what strain of weed she smoked right before signing the contract, agreeing to this mess, because she’s never smoking that shit again.

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Coldplay Is Doing The Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show

And now you know what Chris Martin’s face looked like as he lived out his wet dream fantasy by furiously fucking a Whopper minutes after his marriage to Goopy Paltrow ended.

Sadly, Left Shark isn’t headlining its own Super Bowl Halftime Show next year. Nearly every website on earth says that Coldplay is headlining the Halftime Show on February 7, 2016 at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, CA. That decision makes sense. Pepsi is sponsoring the Halftime Show again, and they know that when you fall into a coma while watching Chris Martin warble out songs, you’ll need to wake yourself up by injecting gallons of their stuff into your veins. Pepsi, I know your game!

Coldplay’s new album comes out tomorrow and Beyonce, Noel Gallagher, Tove Lo and even Goopy Paltrow sing on it. So any of them could join Coldplay on stage. UsWeekly says that Bruno Mars, who did the Halftime Show in 2014, is going to be involved somehow.

While I am looking forward to seeing Goopy Paltrow fill with rage as Chris Martin steps out of a giant replica of Jennifer Lawrence’s pussy before singing that song he wrote about boning her, the Super Bowl people should’ve done something extra special. I mean, it is the 50th Super Bowl. They should’ve brought back the greatest Halftime Show performers in history: Up With People!

Pic: Wenn.com

Kristen Stewart Doesn’t Smile For The Paps Because She Knows You’ll Call Her A Sellout

Professional sullen teenager Kristen Stewart took a break from writing emo poetry and moping around the house and rolling her eyes at her mom’s new boyfriend (“Oh my god, this morning he said ‘pass the moo juice’. Steve is THE WORST”) to do a photo shoot in the grocery store wearing head-to-toe Chanel for Elle magazine (via NY Daily News) and talk to them about how dope her career is. Specifically how she’s totally not one of those conformist Hollywood actresses who let a studio turn her into a product marketed to the mainstream public:

“As soon as you start thinking about your career as a trajectory — like, as if you’re going to miss out on some wave or momentum — then you’re never doing anything for yourself anyway. Then you’re truly, actually, specifically working for the public. You’re turning yourself into a bag of chips.”

And that’s why you’ll NEVER see her flashing a smile to the paps, because KStew keeps it real! KStew doesn’t play that phony pageant queen Vaseline-on-the-teeth bullshit! But also because she knows she’ll take shit for it:

“Now I feel like if I smiled for a paparazzi photo — not that I ever would — that’s exactly what people would be desecrating me for. They’d be like, ‘Now you’re going to give it up, now you’re a sellout.’ Like, okay. What do you want? What would you like?”

Personally, I never want to see her flashing her pearly whites for the paps. It would be so weird! Kristen Stewart without a scowl is like a day without sunshine or a Kardashian without an ass full of medical grade silicone. Plus, imagine how deeply disturbing it would be for the photographers watching KStew try to bust out an awkward smile in person: think Wednesday Addams after she’s finished serving time in the Harmony Hut, but with a Bauhaus soundtrack. Did you feel that too?? I literally just got the same feeling I had when I watched The Ring for the first time.

Here’s more of Kristen Stewart serving up some sulky over-it supermarket realness for Elle.

Blake Lively Is On The Cover Of Vogue For The 1,845,274th Time

I used to work in an advertising office (don’t ask me if I was the Joan, I was more like the Meredith) and every summer, people used to take out their brains, pack them into storage, and sing “See yoooou in September”. It was practically company policy that nobody did any damn work till Labor Day. And it looks like everyone at Vogue does the same thing! Nothing says “I’ve spent the past 4 weeks getting day drunk at my desk” like putting The Tepid Tapwater Princess Blake Lively on the cover of Vogue.

Know how else I can tell everyone stopped giving a fuck on July 1st? That color! There’s too much of it! Blake has NEVER looked that lively. Thankfully I was able to get my hands on the original:

That’s MUCH better, except I can see why they airbrushed out the oatmeal. It’s hard to focus on Blake when that exciting bowl of lukewarm oats is hogging all of the attention.

Blake has a lot to say, so it’s all after the cut. Continue reading

Lana Del Rey Doesn’t Want Anyone To Listen To Her Music

“Can someone crush up a handful of speed into some Meow Mix? I’ve already snorted 8 kitty-sized lines of coke, but I’m having a real hard time staying awake here, you guys” – that cat.

Heavily-sedated professional karaoke girl Lana Del Rey gave an interview for Rolling Stone (I guess they’re trying to break into the lucrative sleep disorder clinic waiting room market). Even though Rolling Stone named her “the saddest, baddest diva in rock”, she must be aware that everyone else calls her “drowsy filler-faced human molasses”, because she drooled out that she doesn’t care that you don’t appreciate her monotone moans. They’re not for you, they’re for Lana Del Rey:

“I just don’t want them to hear it at all. I’m very selfish. I make everything for me, kind of. I mean, every little thing, down to the guitar and the drums. It’s just for me… I don’t want them to hear it and think about it. It’s none of their business!”

She also threw shade at the haters who thought her now-infamous SNL performance was about as exciting as an ASMR video and told their agents to forward all her calls to voicemail:

“It wasn’t dynamic, but it was true to form. Everyone I knew suddenly wasn’t so sure about me. They were like, ‘Maybe I don’t want to be associated with her – not a great reputation.'”

Rolling Stone also asked Lana Del Dumb about the time she told The Guardian that she wished she was dead, then tried to deny it, then tried to blame the interviewer:

“Well, I feel fucking crazy. But I don’t think I am. People make me feel crazy. I find that most people I meet figure I kind of want to kill myself anyway. So, it comes up every time.”

However, Lana did prove that she’s at least a little self-aware, because she asked Rolling Stone the same question we’re all asking ourselves: WHY ARE WE STILL TRYING TO MAKE LANA DEL REY HAPPEN?!?

“I’m not sure if they should run this story… I feel like maybe we should wait until there’s something good to talk about. You know? I just wish you could write about something else. There has to be someone else to be the cover story. Like, there has to be. Anybody.”

Literally. Anybody. Did nobody look in the lunchroom first? I would have picked up an issue with a half-eaten turkey sub on the cover. Then again, that’s not saying much, since turkey subs are extremely relevant to my interests.

Lana Del Rey Is On Frances Bean Cobain’s Shit List For Saying She Wanted To Die Early Like Kurt Cobain

For once in her career as human horse tranquillizer, Lana Del Rey managed to evoke the opposite of a feeling of extreme drowsiness after she told The Guardian that she wished she was “dead already” like her heroes Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse, causing everyone to wake up and violently kick a chair towards her so she could have several seats. Even Kurt was sending her a “sleepy skank, please” side-eye from Heaven.

Of course, once she realized she sounded like a dum-dum, that crafty Ambien chanteuse tried to convince us she was baited by The Guardian into saying such things. Nice try, Lana Del Don’t Operate Heavy Machinery, but Frances Bean Cobain comes from a long line of super-slueths and can smell your bullshit from a mile away! Frances was having none of Lana’s nonsense, and decided to bust that drowsy ho out on Twitter:

@LanaDelRey the death of young musicians isn't something to romanticize (cont)

— Frances Bean Cobain (@alka_seltzer666) June 23, 2014

@LanaDelRey I'll never know my father because he died young & it becomes a desirable feat because ppl like u think it's "cool"(cont)

— Frances Bean Cobain (@alka_seltzer666) June 23, 2014

@LanaDelRey Well, it's fucking not. Embrace life, because u only get one life. The ppl u mentioned wasted that life.Don't be 1 of those ppl

— Frances Bean Cobain (@alka_seltzer666) June 23, 2014

@LanaDelRey ur too talented to waste it away.

— Frances Bean Cobain (@alka_seltzer666) June 23, 2014

I agree with everything Frances says, including the part about being too talented. Most department store mannequins just stand motionless with a vacant expression on their faces, but Lana Del Rey has managed to learn how to slowly sway back and forth in an attempt to appear almost lifelike, open and close her eyelids as if she was blinking, and emit a 3-note yawn to simulate singing. She’s practically human! If only she could learn how to look less plastic, she could be bigger than Jeff from Today’s Special.