On January 12, 2014, a Canadian mom had her son arrested for stealing $10 from a piggy bank, a piece of trash was arrested for leaving her 12-year-old on the side of the road and I ate a plain slice of raisin bread with no butter, jam, Nutella or any other kind of delicious lubricant (nasty, I know). All of those are ILLEGAL acts, but the worst ILLEGAL act committed that night was committed by Keebler Elf pin-up, Hayden Panettiere. Hayden showed up to the Golden Globes in a Tom Ford dress she bought off the rack!!!!!!!!!! As the entire fashion industry lines up to file a police report against this criminal troll, I’m sitting here shocked and surprised at the newfound fact that Tom Ford makes a line of toddler gowns for Gymboree.
The whole award-show-gown thing is a pile of snobbiness and ridiculousness. Fancy designers lend fancy gowns to the celebwhores they want to lend fancy gowns to and some make custom-made fancy gowns for celebwhores they want to make fancy gowns for. Most celebrities don’t buy their dresses. Before the Golden Globes, Tom Ford said that he dressed only one woman that night and that woman was Naomi Watts. So when Hayden told reporters that she was wearing Tom Ford and she’s been begging to wear one of his dresses for years, fashion journalists freaked out. Fashion journalist Jim Shi asked Tom Ford’s people about the dress and when he got his answer, he threw all the side-eyes at Hayden:
— Jim Shi (@jimshi809) January 12, 2014
I don’t know if that “tsk tsk” is directed at Hayden for wearing a dress without a permission slip from Tom Ford or for acting like Tom Ford personally dressed her by saying she begged for it. I don’t know, but this is the biggest fashion ESCANDALO since Kanye West’s design for leather jogging pants got shot down, and a day after Hayden was called out, she tweeted a picture of the roses and thank you note that Tom’s assistant sent her:
— hayden panettiere (@haydenpanettier) January 14, 2014
What’s really offensive about all of this is that Hayden paid $10,000 for a dress that looks like it came from Santee Alley. And Hayden paid $10k for a dress that she had to chop in half to fit her. The only way it’s okay to spend $10,000 on that dress is if Tom Ford personally puts it on your naked body after eating your ass out, jacking you off and letting you watch him slowly sip cognac from a crystal glass while petting a white cat. You know that’s a sight!
When Gabourey Sidibe showed up to the Golden Globes last night wearing a dress that looks like the mice from Cinderella made it from one of the ugly stepsister’s unfinished vanilla milkshakes, internet haters everywhere instantly unhooked a velvet rope and let her cut to the front of the line for the VIP section of Club Worst Dressed. But Gabourey is Queenie from AHS: Coven, does not give a fuck about what you think, and took to Twitter to remind us:
Don’t take it personal, Gabby. You get to ride in a private jet and work at your dream job and get invited to the Golden Globes for – what is it – the third time? Meanwhile the haters are at home in our “good leggings” (the ones with holes in the crotch get a day off because company’s over) judging celebrities poor dress choices as we face the harsh reality that we just finished the last of the pineapple juice and will now have to mix our Malibu with Clamato, which makes us irrationally accuse the dog of eating the last of the Doritos while we took a bathroom break. So chill out.
Really though, Gabby should think about click-clack making some money by renting out that tweet to Jennifer Lawrence; she’s going to want it after Joan Rivers rips apart her just-sold-my-voice-for-human-legs dress on Fashion Police.
(Pic via Splash)
After Ricky Gervais was quickly shanked like a prison yard snitch for being too real at the 69th Golden Globe Awards, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were brought in to be funny, but not too funny (aka don’t be Ricky, or there will be a sharpened toothbrush handle with your names on it). Despite my skepticism, I thought they did a good job last year, especially when they took that strawberry-scented Holly Hobby doll Taylor Swift to task with the world’s tamest Taylor Swift joke, a joke which hurt Princess Tay-tay’s feeling enough for her to use Vanity Fair as her own personal Burn Book . Remember this quote from Taylor?
“There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
Just like Pepperidge Farms, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler remember. And last night (deep breath) Tina and Amy managed to quote Taylor’s quote about Tina and Amy as Taylor was sitting in the audience right in front of them. After Amy won for Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy for her role as Leslie Knope on Parks and Recreation, Tina said:
“I love you, and there’s a special place in hell for you.”
And that’s when I erased my grade of B and bumped it up to an A+++, two thumbs up, and 5 Amazon stars for their hosting duties. That Vanity Fair article came out last March. March. It’s January. That means Tina has been sitting on that diss for 10 months. You know what that’s called? Jedi-level trolling. BOW DOWN, BITCHES.
Of course, they did have some other good non-Taylor jokes last night:
Poehler: “A very good evening to everyone here in the room, and to all the women and gay men watching at home.”
Fey: “Gravity is nominated for Best Motion Picture. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.”
Poehler: “Masters of Sex is the degree I got from Boston College.”
Then Tina made a sort of not-right joke about The Black List and Somali pirates, and the pencil I was taking notes with quit that bitch. But overall, good job ladies!
You know your level of bullshit is in a league of it’s own when you can easily be crowned the most annoying motherfucker in a room whose occupants include Jonah Hill and Bono.
P. Diddy must have been painfully aware that the expiration date stamped on his ass cheek is from years ago because he spent his time on stage at the Golden Globes milking his moment in the spotlight for all it was worth. I like to think I have a high patience level (I’ve been trying to write this while my five year old lists every dinosaur he knows and he started just making shit up thirty names ago) but I had some serious rage last night watching Diddy. He wouldn’t shut the hell up, move to the side or let
Usher Kate Beckinsale be the prettiest princess. She may have looked like she used Pam cooking spray as moisturizer, but I’d rather look at a shiny Kate any day of the week (and maybe let some lesbian daydreams sneak in there) than spend any amount of time looking at Diddy’s DUH face.
I may or may not have been yelling “get off my TV, you fuck socket!!” at the screen when one the most glorious moments of the night happened. When Diddy went to hug Bono (and maybe throw a smooch down on his face or some shit; it was hard to tell because the whole thing was a clusterfuck), Bono straight up swerved his ass.
All those rumors of Diddy’s breath smelling like a mix of matted hobo pubes and Kristen Stewart’s unwashed gash might have something to them. The only thing Bono has ducked faster than Diddy’s advances is paying taxes!
The Ghost of Jennifer Lawrence’s future Julia Roberts showed up to the Golden Globes yesterday wearing an ensemble that made some whores applaud and made other whores, including this whore, wonder where her serving tray full of champagne flutes was since she looked like an overdressed cater waiter. Julia made some best dressed lists (and I’m guessing one of those lists is from the American Foundation For The Blind) and she made a lot of worst dressed lists. This applies to almost everything in life, but I looked at Julia and thought to myself, “Sharon Stone did it first and did it better, bitch.”
Julia’s look made me want to roll up my jeans and dab a little Dior Poison on my b-hole, because bitch was giving me 90s all the way. If you traveled back to 1993 and strolled into a Charlotte Russe with an Orange Julius (aka the Frappuccino of the 90s) in your hand and walked to the prom section, you’d find that dress hanging there. It’s like Mimi’s beehive from the Can’t Let Go video and one of the P.E. outfits from Clueless crashed into Julia at the same time. She looks like the least charismatic member of an all-white En Vogue cover group.
If Julia wore a black velvet choker and smelled like Primo, this would’ve been the look.
Because I really don’t want to throw up 100 more Golden Globes posts (cut to Allison, Megan and I throwing up 100 more Golden Globes posts in the next 3 hours), here’s tons of looks from last night including Hermione Granger giving us a reverse mullet and Zoe Saldana looking like an old snobby lady’s fabric scrap bin.
I don’t even care if Emma Thompson was playing up the drunky angle for shits and giggles last night when she presented the Best Screenplay category holding a cocktail in one hand and her heels in the other. She’s been around forever and there are probably only so many boring awards shows you can attend before you have to up the entertainment factor for yourself. If making the jerk off motion behind Kevin Spacey gets old or if Julia Roberts finally realizes you’re the one who’s been making those horse noises that get progressively louder until she turns around, playing the trashed card is all that’s left.
Emma had already earned my “that’s it, we can all go home” vote last night before she even rambled through her category introduction like she was at a DUI checkpoint trying to convince a police officer she’d only had two drinks. The footage of her ass sprinting down the red carpet put Emma this close to unseating Ouiser Boudreaux as my idol (who, by the way, would have fit in perfectly screeching “are you hiiiiigh?” at Matthew McConaughey while he was on stage).