Matthew McConaughey And Camila Alves Were On That Crazy Turbulence Flight That Sent 7 People To The Hospital
On Wednesday, Lufthansa Flight 469 left Austin, Texas for Frankfurt, Germany. About 90 minutes after takeoff, 37,000 feet above Tennessee, the plane was suddenly hit with turbulence. And not just “oo, this is a little bumpy” turbulence. EXTREME turbulence. Everything that wasn’t bolted down went flying, and the flight was forced to make an emergency landing at Dulles International Airport in Virginia. 7 people had to be rushed to the hospital with injuries. But the scariest part? This flight had precious cargo! Celebrity passengers Matthew McConaughey and wife Camila Alves. And a Goldendoodle named Arlo (don’t worry, he’s OK).
Q: HASN’T TEXAS SUFFERED ENOUGH?!!?!
A: I guess fucking not!
Matthew McConaughey (seen above in David Koresh cosplay) has laid down a threat to Texas by saying that the thought of running for the governor of his home state is brewing in his brain. So yeah, it looks like Matthew is still smoking the weed strain that causes him to have strange hallucinations, like the image of him as governor opening a State of the State Undress Address with a naked bongo performance.
And of course in that picture of Camila Alves is a stoned Matthew McConaughey wondering if the tinsel on that foil gold Christmas tree in front of him is smokeable.
At last night’s NYC premiere of Gold (that mining scandal movie where the Texas T-Rex looks like he’s doing low-budget cosplay of Christian Bale in American Hustle), Camila Alves took the title of the movie all the way by covering her body with 5 pounds of tinsel and hundreds of yards of gold fabric. Camila is brave for wearing that ensemble out in NYC, because that top part looks like a golden shower, so I’m surprise that Donald Trump didn’t try to bathe under it.
If Trump’s penthouse apartment and Liberace’s dining room had sloppy, dirty, messy fuck times, the wet spot they left would look like what Camila is wearing. She looks like a new money whore house madam. It’s gaudy! It’s tacky! It’s ugly! I love it!
You know you’re a legend-in-the-making when you roll up to the SAG Awards and serve up a hot slice of red carpet eleganza better than the SAG Awards red carpet itself. I bet the red carpet spent the rest of the night hissing “That bitch stole my look!” to anyone who would listen before finally accepting the fact that Lupita Nyong’o did it better. Bitch color-coordinated her dress to everything around her! That’s commitment.
Yes, technically Lupita’s dress is a typical fancy awards show dress, but it also sort of looks like what I imagine Beetlejuice’s prom date wore to the Netherworld High prom, or a piece of avant-garde Christmas wrapping paper. Lupita’s dress looks like the curtains Maria would use to make power suits for the von Trapp children if they ever remade The Sound of Music and set it in 1984. But more than anything, it reminds me a piece of goth Fruit Stripe gum, and I love it, because I love goths and I love Fruit Stripe gum.
Also, it’s got one of those huge-ass skirts you can sit with your legs wide open in all night and won’t show wine stains, which always gets two ketchup chip crumb-covered thumbs up from a slob like me.
Here’s more of Lupita working it out on the red carpet, as well as Emma Stone (whose shady goth real estate agent dress tried to take out Naomi Watts), a My Little Victoria Pony-looking Lorelei Linklater, Laverne Cox who – as usual – did Beyonce better than Beyonce, and everyone else:
Once again, Anne Hathaway is causing my brain to hurt the special kind of hurt that comes from trying to figure out what the fuck she’s wearing. I should have seen this coming; fashion disasters always come in threes. First it was that next-level tragic DIY-looking star chain glove thing. Then it was that grandmother of the robo-bride dress. Now it’s…I’m not actually sure what this is. A busted two-faced tuna net fungus cover? Sure, that works!
Anne rolled up to the New York City premiere of Interstellar last night looking like she took a spray adhesive shower and rolled around in the LAST CHANCE box thrown into the dumpster behind a Jo-Ann fabrics, but MK tells me she’s actually wearing a very fancy dress by Rodarte. Regardless of whether her dress looks like it cost $1,200 or $12 (that one), here is every thought circling the toilet drain that is my brain while looking at Anne Hathaway’s dress:
1. Anne Hathaway looks like an exquisite corpse drawn by two fishermen, then it came to life The Fly-style
2. Anne Hathaway looks like two casual scarves from Chico’s got into a fight, then fell in love, then started fucking
3. Anne Hathaway looks like Fantine from Les Mis, if Les Mis took place in a post-apocalyptic wasteland run by a gang of fugitive throw pillows
And even though Anne looks like the definition of fug, I can still appreciate that she was brave enough to dress like a damn mess. I will always slow-clap for those who have the courage to say “Fuck it, I’m going to dress like I’ve been snorting bath salts and watching cable access TV all day!”
Here’s more of Jo-Anne Hathaway last night, as well as Jessica Chastain (who always looks like a come-to-life Midge doll) and the Texas T-Rex:
It goes without saying that I have some major problems when it comes to using my brain (I literally forgot my own last name yesterday, for real), so it should surprise absolutely no one that I spent nearly 17 minutes staring at the lower half of Anne Hathaway and wondering what was going on. Is she wearing black granny panties? Or some sort of body suit? Is that dress supposed to be the matronly British lady version of this one? Why did I care? Who knows. All that matters is that I zoomed in so close that the chain-links on her dress began to look like a Magic Eye poster, and I was convinced I saw an eagle soaring majestically through the mountains. It was TRIPPY.
Anne was once again walking the red carpet for that Oscar Winners in Space movie (aka Interstellar), this time in London. Yes, Anne looks like tired farted on exhausted, but you would too if you were wearing a dress that weighs 46 lbs. I don’t know how she’s still standing. She should have asked to be wheeled up the red carpet on a dolly like Hannibal Lecter. Actually, fuck that. If I were Anne, I would have asked them to wheel my ass to the recycling depot so I could trade in my dress for cash. You could probably get at least $27.50 for that dress!
Here’s more of Anne Hathaway serving up some Spencer Gifts pin art thing realness at the UK premiere of Interstellar (grab your magnifying glasses), as well as Jessica Chastain, the stoned armadillo and his wife (who looked like a sexy Agreeable Tiger Moth), and most importantly – MAIH CUL CAYN!