As Robert Pattinson, The Rock, Tiffany Haddish, and other famous types catch coronavirus, David and Victoria Beckham are probably looking at them, “Pfft, coronavirus is so last season, darlings!” Because according to The Grain of Salt Times known as The Sun, Posh and Becks caught coronavirus in the Tom Hanks days of the pandemic (read: aaaaaaalll the way back in the olden days of March 2020). They kept it on the down-low, but because they were flying around and going to parties before they got the diagnosis, they were afraid they were “super spreaders.” Oh, to think, in simpler times, the words “David Beckham” and “super spreader” would make every personal assistant, teacher, and Welsh singer run to the clinic to get her fuck parts checked.
David and Victoria Beckham will forever be, to me, a late-90s London couple with an enthusiasm for tacky jewelry, leather pants, white v-neck sweaters, and an aggressive use of hair gel. But current-day Posh & Becks are country people! Or at least, they enjoy casually cosplaying country people. But that might be a problem. According to The Sun, The Beckhams are trying to city up their country house, and some of their country neighbors don’t like it.
Last Wednesday, I received the sobering news that the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” had turned 24 years old. After I stopped crying (and before I ran a comb-full of Just For Men through my hair), I sat down and realized the sheer fleetingness of time. Well, if Wednesday’s breakdown wasn’t bad enough, my Jurassic-era ass got another heaping dose of reality this morning when I was confronted with the fact that Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham has a kid old enough to be married. And getting married is exactly what he’s doing. Annnd now I’m just waiting for the AARP brochures to start showing up in my mailbox.
Panic rooms? So 2002. 2020 is all about passages! Secret passages. At least that’s the plan for David Beckham and Victoria Beckham. They want to construct an escape tunnel under their mansion in Cotswolds (about a hundred miles west of London) in case someone tries to break in. Or in case of another world war, which isn’t looking so farfetched at this point.
Apparently, Posh and Becks were spooked when fellow footballer, Tottenham’s Dele Alli, was robbed at knifepoint in his North London mansion. According to leaked planning documents, they want to build a security hut and install “an underground passage linking the family’s nine-bed Cotswold pad to their luxury car garage” Yeesh, how much will that cost? Maybe they should be pinching pandemic pence? Continue reading
I feel terrible for whoever dry cleans Piers Morgan’s pants, because there’s no way he didn’t blow out his lower spine from orgasming over this news. Last month Piers accused Victoria Beckham of using British government COVID-19 relief funds to help furlough the employees of her fashion brand. Some people are now questioning how much Victoria needed that government handout after it was revealed that she and David Beckham might just so happen to be the new owners of a $20 million penthouse in Miami.
It’s being reported that 44-year-old David Beckham has gotten in trouble with the British driving authorities and has actually been banned from driving for the next six months. Don’t worry it’s not something serious like drunk driving, he’s just a general ass mess.