You Snooze You Lose, Clooney: Eva Longoria Is Off The Market Again

I can’t say I know much about Eva Longoria’s acting work (except for Over Her Dear Body, which is a really great movie if you want to fall asleep on an airplane), but I am confident that this woman’s legacy will be having made a career out of dating dudes and getting us to give a shit. Her life is like The Truman Show’s rom-com cousin. Only 3 months ago, Eva broke up with the dude she met on her reality show (if you can’t make it with a struggling actor who auditioned for a dating reality show, WHAT HOPE IS THERE FOR THE REST OF US?!?!) but it looks like I can put away the spinster Snuggie I was knitting her for another day, because there’s a new man in her life!

According to People, after several weeks of keeping things on the hush, Eva chose to go public with her new piece, Jose “Pepe” Antonio Bastion. It goes without saying that the new relationship has been smooth sailing on the S.S. Super-Duper Romance:

“He’s been sweeping her off her feet and courting her like a proper gentleman,” a source tells PEOPLE of Baston, 45, the president of Televisa, the largest media company in Latin America. On Friday, he escorted the actress/producer, 38, to the Museo Jumex Opening dinner at Case De La Bola in Mexico City, Mexico.

Last month, Longoria and Baston dined at New York’s Serafina restaurant. A source told PEOPLE at the time that the Longoria was “very happy” with the budding relationship and that Baston was “crazy about her.”

He’s “crazy about her”? NO DUH; everyone’s crazy about everyone in the first couple of months. You get approximately 12 weeks of Lady and the Tramp-style spaghetti dinners and long beach-walks in matching white linen pantsuits before reality sets in and it all turns to champagne sweatpants and caviar burps. It’s only a matter of time until you’re discovering unflushed dumps in the toilet every morning and fights are breaking out over who ate the last Cliff bar. Have fun now, Eva; you’re mere weeks away from date nights spent eating generic-brand chili in front of the television as you rip through Season 4 of Friday Night Lights on Netflix (“Why don’t you go marry Tami Taylor, and then you can eat all the goddamned name-brand chill you want, asshole!!“)

Final thought: Pepe is my second favorite nickname after Lil’ Joker.