Your Move, Clooney

Here’s Eva Longoria and her then-piece Ernesto Arguello during happier times last month when they both had a serious case of food poisoning and were rushing off to the nearest toilet to shit and barf their insides out (at least, that’s what I’m getting from this picture). Last month, Eva issued a goddamn statement to People saying that she has taken a seat on the face of Ernesto Arguello, a bachelor from her failed reality show Ready For Love, and that they were a full-time couple. “Sources” even told People that Ernesto and Eva’s hearts are so melded together that they were destined to get married. (When I read that, I made the same “I’m barfing in my mouth” face that Ernesto is making in that picture above.) Well, I guess Eva and Ernesto’s ~love~ was just to powerful and intense for them to handle, because they broke up after only a handful of months. The good news is that their relationship lasted longer than their reality show did.

A source tells E! that Eva and Ernesto couldn’t make it work because of “distance problems.” Eva’s in L.A. and Ernesto’s in Miami, and neither of them gave a damn enough to move.

Right after Eva announced to the world that she was rubbing taints with a piece from her reality show, Lainey had a blind item that was obviously about Eva and George Clooney and then UsWeekly kind of co-signed Lainey’s blind item. Eva and George were supposedly doing it while he was with Stacy Keibler and when he didn’t leave Stacy after Eva kept asking him to, she went public with that Ernesto dude to make him jealous.

And now that Eva is single, she and George can be together! Yeah, I’m sure George will get on that as soon as he finishes up the open casting call to find his next personality-less, half-mute, 30-something award season ho.

Here’s Eva with Eugenio Derbez at the premiere of Instructions Not Included in L.A. last night.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Eva Longoria Wants You To Know That George Clooney Tried To Get With Her

Yesterday, Lainey had a blind item about some big star who had a full-time official girlfriend and a side piece he was doing on the side. The side piece kept trying to get him to dump the official girlfriend for her and when he refused, she got herself a new dude and let it be known by releasing a statement to a magazine. The big star dumped the official girlfriend and now he’s waiting for the side piece to come to him. All signs pointed to Usher and Justin Bieber. No, all signs really pointed to Eva Longoria and George Clooney. Then today, UsWeekly has this headline: “George Clooney Pursued Eva Longoria Before Stacy Keibler Breakup.” UsWeekly forgot to add something. That shit should read: “Eva Longoria Told Us That George Clooney Pursed Eva Longoria Before Stacy Keibler Breakup.”

UsWeekly’s “source” says that right before George Clooney slipped a pink slip under Stacy Keibler’s door, he hung out at SoHo House in Berlin with Eva and tried to get into her chonies. Eva kept her legs closed and George kept trying and trying and trying… The “source” said this:

“George began pursuing Eva. He told her that he was still with Stacy, but had plans to break up with her and was interested in being with Eva. [He] continued to pursue her with texts and calls. Eva made it clear to him that she would not date or be with him until he was completely single. George and Eva never hooked up.”

So, the blind items says that he and she did it while he was with his full-time piece and UsWeekly says that he tried to do it with her, but she is a woman of integrity and would never do a dude who currently has a contract with an award show escort. Okay. But really, UsWeekly’s “source” should’ve went all the way and added, “And George even showed up to Eva Longoria’s house in a tuxedo with a priest at his side and two wedding rings in his hand, because the love he feels for that talented, powerful, intelligent, gorgeous and captivating woman cured his allergy to marriage. George even underwent a dangerous reverse vasectomy, because he wants to make children with the most interesting, beautiful and important woman he’s ever met. A woman named Eva Jacqueline Longoria.”

I mean, if the “source” is going to pull our dicks, they might as well pull our dicks all the way.

Eva Longoria Is Dating A Dude From Her Failed Reality Show

Ready to Love, the reality dating show that Eva Longoria produced died and was buried in NBC’s grave after only two episodes, but at least she got a hot piece out of it. Floridian entrepreneur and philanthropist Ernesto Arguello was a contestant on Ready to Love and he picked former Miss USA Shandi Finnessey. But a few months ago there were rumors that Ernesto wasn’t with Shandi because he had moved into Eva Longoria’s house and was bumping nipples with her. But at the time, Eva spewed out some bullshit and said that they weren’t doing it and that a lot of the contestants lived at her house because they had no other place in L.A. to stay and blah blah blah blah. Eva was obviously saying that while boning Ernesto. Well, yesterday Eva said in a statement to People (yes, a statement to People) that she’s with Ernesto, but they only got together recently and they have the tabloids to thank. My eyeballs rolled like they’ve never rolled before.

“I think that’s why our relationship is so special – we truly started as friends. I guess we have the press to thank for pushing us to see something we didn’t see!”

The only pushing going on was Eva pushing her chocha onto Ernesto’s peen during the past four months. Let’s be honest.

A source (aka one of Eva’s cousins who she paid to say only good things) laid it on thick to People by saying that Ernesto and Eva are perfect together and will probably get married in a year or less.

“It’s very real – they’re both in love, which is rare for him. They’re always traveling together. His family likes her a lot … they’ve never seen him so taken by someone. Eva is a firm believer in marriage. Ernie may be a player when he is single, but he’s never cheated on anyone and is very religious. I think the fact that he’s so family oriented is what got her. My guess would be they’ll be married within the next year.”

Jesus and God are throwing a double side-eye at that “very religious” shit, because the last time they checked Thou Shalt Not Lie was still one of the Ten Commandments or whatever. And Eva obviously broke that one when she denied doing Ernesto even though you could practically smell his crotch on her breath. But Ernesto is a total upgrade from that Tony Parker dude and judging by that look of excitement on her face, he has a toothless mouth on the back of his neck.

This Is The Look: Elena Lenina At The Cannes Film Festival

Who cares if the name “Elena Lenina” makes your mind go blank the same way White Oprah’s does when she tries to think of the name of the youngest Lohan kid. The only thing you need to know about Russian TV personality type Elena Lenina is that she brought the glamour to the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Jimmy P., Psychotherapy of a Plains Indian when she sashayed onto the red carpet with a giant butt plug of hair on top her head. Elena looks like a Martian Girl from Xenu’s home planet. If this is Elena’s way of trying to become the next Mrs. Tommy Girl, it’s totally going to work. The quickest way to Tommy’s heart is through his butt.

I am jealous of the lucky ho who got to sit behind Elena Lenina during the movie. Staring at a blond butt plug is totally better than watching some movie. Backdoor Farrah just put out the welcome mat in front of her backdoor for Elena. Just bring your butt plug hair, Elena. Farrah’s already got the lube.

And here’s some others at tonight’s premiere who obviously didn’t get the memo that the theme of the night was “sex toy hair.” In order after Elena: Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth, Cheryl Cole, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Bai Ling and the all-natural Queen of Cannes Chicken Cutlets.

“Cooooooooooooooke?”

Don’t you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?

As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox’s Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox’s affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. “What did I do with my diamond bracelet?” is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.

As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that’s the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye.  Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator’s favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch’s face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris’ hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.

I couldn’t find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I’m assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service’s after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here’s some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah’s handmaiden.

The One Where Marc Cherry Said Tony Parker Must Be Gay If He’s Marrying Eva Longoria

Remember when Nicollette Sheridan dropped a lawsuit in the lap of Marc Cherry, the creator of Desperate Housewives, claiming that he wrongfully terminated her ass? Nicollette then tried to paint Marc as a goat-footed, wheezy old queen (copyright: Alec Baldwin) by claiming that he once took her to the side to slap some respect into her mouth after she back talked him during a scene. Well, that lawsuit is far from over and Nicollette is still trying to make everyone believe that Marc is the cherry on top of a cunt sundae.

TMZ got a hold of new court documents where Nicollette says that at Eva Longoria and Tony Parker’s wedding, Marc pursed his lips, hiked up his double-stuffed chest balls, and yanked the veil off of Eva’s head with a cuntified comment.

In the declaration, Nicollette claims, “I was present at Eva Longoria’s wedding to Tony Parker, when Mr. Cherry commented that ‘Tony must like boys, because he is marrying this — this little, small girl with no tits and — that looks like a boy.'”

Really, Nicollette?! This is the desperate shit you’re coming to the table with? This only makes me want to sit next to Marc Cherry’s bitter bitch queen ass at a wedding. Every day is bitch day to Marc, even on the bride’s day. Just think of all the comments he’d make about the maid of honor’s dress while we both wrap pieces of cake in aluminum foil to take home and eat on our kitchen floor as we cry about being FOREVER ALONE!