Amber Rose Will Get Almost $15,000 Every Month In Child Support From Wiz Khalifa

I’m so happy for Amber Rose’s ability to get money, that I’m totally willing to overlook the fact that she’s got more shades of pink than Crayola around her mouth. Right now, the only thing of importance is that her divorce is final and she’ll soon be cashing some pretty big checks.

TMZ says that Amber Rose and her husband of one year, Wiz Khalifa, are now officially divorced. In a shocking famous people divorce twist, they appear to have settled their divorce in a civil manner. Shortly after Amber and Wiz called it quits, we learned that she had signed a prenup and that she was entitled to $1 million for the one year they were married. According to their divorce settlement, which was finalized yesterday, Amber is getting that million dollars. She has already received $356,000 from Wiz and will get the remaining $644,000. That’s reason enough for Amber to be twerking with joy today, but she’s also getting a whole hell of a lot of child support from him. Amber will reportedly receive $14,800 a month for their three-year-old son Sebastian, who they share custody of.

Wiz will get to keep a home in Pennsylvania and 10 fancy cars. TMZ says Amber and Wiz celebrated their divorce by going to a strip club together last night. Awww, that’s…sweet? Sure, why not.

Amber and Wiz’s divorce wasn’t nearly as much of a mess fest as it seemed like it was going to be when they dumped their marriage in the relationship graveyard almost 21 months ago. For a while there, things were getting paper towel commercial-levels of dirty. Amber accused Wiz of cheating on her on Twitter. Then Wiz accused Amber of unspecified shit that probably had to do with their son on Twitter. Then something happened, and they stopped fighting. Maybe Cher did the world a favor by dressing up in her costume from Moonstruck and slapping both Amber and Wiz as she yells at them to snap out of it. Or maybe Amber and Wiz buried the hatchet back in January while bonding over their mutual hatred of Kanye West. That’s probably it.  That has the power to bring anyone together.

Pic: Splash

So, I Guess Lorde Didn’t Get Kicked Out Of Taylor Swift’s Squad For Hanging Out With Diplo

Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.

But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.

While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!

It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.

And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Ciara’s Goodies Almost Made A Break For It Last Night

Oh, don’t mind Russell Wilson; he’s just been trying so hard not to stare into Ciara’s front no no hole that he’s fallen into some kind of catatonic state. I’m sure he’s fine.

If there’s one night of the year when a famous type can throw out everything they know about class, taste, style, common sense, and Spanx, it’s the Grammys. I’m pretty sure if you look on your invitation, the dress code is simply a picture of Toni Braxton from the 43rd Grammy Awards. Unfortunately, only a handful of people observed the dress code and came barely-draped in their tacky finest. The most elegant of which was Ciara, who showed up in a table runner held together with a bunch of ribbons and damn near flashed everyone her panty goodies.

I’m not sure why Ciara and Russell Wilson were at the Grammys, since she hasn’t been nominated for one in six years and he doesn’t sing, but I’m really glad they did. Otherwise, we might have missed out on Ciara’s gorgeously trampy formal nightgown thing. Ciara looks like a slutty Miami dancer (I’ll let you decide what kind of dancer) named Porquoi? who works for diamonds and really really wants to fuck Scarface, and I’m into it.

With that being said, if this is how Ciara dresses now, I can’t wait to see what kind of high-end classiness $15 million lawsuit winner Ciara shows up in next year.

Of course, there were a few close seconds in terms of pure class and elegance, like Joy Villa and the always stunning Z LaLa (who came dressed like an IKEA As-Is section version of Cher). On the other end of the spectrum was Dancia, who said “Fuck it” to sexy and covered herself in whatever she could grab from Nicki Minaj’s storage locker from 2010 and glue to her pink onesie.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Kanye West Promises He Won’t Speak About Other People’s Kids Again

Some people are just naturally remorseful. They carry this sense of personal accountability, constantly apologizing for some behavior or comment. It’s safe to say Kanye West—or Yeezus if you’re sacrilegious—isn’t one of those people. And nothing screams, “I need a prayer circle as soon as possible” like bringing a toddler into an already bizarre feud that may or may not be fueled by your unwavering lust for your ex and her fingers.

A few days ago Yeezus claimed in a Twitter fight that he “owns” Amber Rose’s 2-year-old son with Wiz Khalifa and that neither “wouldn’t have a child if it wasn’t for me.” Yeah, it was pretty awful but not awful enough to garner an apology out of Yeezus. Beyonce’s most dedicated super fan went on Twitter and pretty much told Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose, “I’m sorry” without ever mentioning the words “I’m sorry.”

God’s dream… Never speak on kids again… all love … all blessings…

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 30, 2016

Call it the tweet representation of the Kanye shrug.

You know who else is unapologetic? The scallywag that is Amber Rose who started her Friday night by celebrating her total annihilation of Yeezus by wearing a curve-hugging black-and-white mini dress to Lure nightclub. Yeah, her shoe game was on point, but I’m more concerned about Amber trying to make sunglasses in the club happen in 2016.

She does know she’s not T-Pain, right?

Pics: Splash, Tumblr

Amber Rose Wasn’t Surprised That Kanye West Trashed Her

Since Amber Rose shut down Kanye West’s hilarious Waves-induced meltdown by telling everyone his b-hole gets hungry for finger boning action, a lot of shit has happened. Wiz Khalifa shouted “fuck Kanye” at a show in Argentina, porn star Lisa Ann threatened to put out dick pics Kanye supposedly sent her a while back and Time released an op-ed piece that Amber Rose wrote about how she’s been slut-shamed so much in her life that she doesn’t even care what people think anymore. And in an interview with the podcast Allegedly that airs in full tomorrow, Amber got into the shit that Kanye said about her during his tweet fight with the father of her son. In case you forgot, here’s a few of the stones that broke every wall in Kanye’s glass house full of fame whores:

“You let a stripper trap you.”

“I know you mad every time you look at your child that this girl got you for 18 years.”

“You wouldn’t have a child if it wasn’t for me.”

TMZ posted a preview of her interview on Allegedly and in it, she said that she would’ve kept her tweets to herself if Kanye didn’t drag her son into it. But as soon as he went there, she let everybody smell her finger.

“I would never talk about kids in an argument. It just shows the type of person he is. Even him saying stuff about my son, I still didn’t say anything about his kids. I’m not going to. This is ridiculous. They’re innocent babies. You don’t ever, ever talk about a baby, ever. That just shows how fucking ridiculous he is.”

Amber also said that she’s not at all surprised that Kanye pissed on her (“Baby, why don’t you ever do that to me?!” – Kim) like that, because that’s what he does:

“Um, no. Because I know him. I know he’s a fucking clown. The crazy thing is he came out with a song last week saying that I had my son for a meal ticket. I didn’t even say anything. I was just like, man, he’s a cornball. I’m not saying shit. Then he’s on the Internet like, ‘A stripper trapped you, Wiz.’ But like you took me around the world. We dated for like 2 years. But you’re talking shit about Wiz and my baby? He still talks about me in songs. He still talks about me all day.”

If you read that as, “I know he fucks clowns,” that works too. And really, there’s an easy explanation for why Kanye is obsessed with Amber. Amber’s prostate massage game must be so next level that it drives dudes crazy, or in Kanye’s case, drives crazy douches even crazier. So Kanye is always talking about her because he’s fingermatized. That’s it.

Pic: Splash

Kanye Went Full-On Kanye In A Twitter Attack On Wiz Khalifa

When God’s god Kanye West announced that he has changed the title of his new album from Swish to Waves, many didn’t like it because “swish” is the sound that a toilet makes when it flushes and that seemed more fitting. Wiz Khalifa also wasn’t happy about Kanye naming his album Waves, because according to the tattooed scarecrow, the words “wave” and “wavy” belong to rapper Max B. I guess you could say that Waves caused waves. I know, I know….

Kanye tweeted “all respect” to Max B when he announced his new album title, but Wiz still wasn’t into it. Wiz told Kanye that he needs to go back to Swish and “hit this KK and become yourself.” Wiz wasn’t talking about Kim Kartrashian when he typed KK, he was talking about his own strain of weed called Khalifa Kush. That tweet still set Kanye off and he went after a trick.

Kanye handed his black unicorn pelt Givenchy fanny pack to North West, pulled off his $2000 army bomber jacket (you know, the one you can get for $35 at the army surplus store) and asked Riccardo Tisci to hand him a bottle of lube before he greased up his face and stepped into the ring. Kanye’s MacBook Air (or whatever he’s using now) is probably lying on a table in the morgue section of the Genius Bar, because he pounded the shit out of it while throwing poetic tweets at Wiz. Many of Kanye’s tweets (which he deleted) are after the cut. Warning: You will overdose on Vitamin D (for delusion) while reading them:

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