So, Apparently You’re Not Allowed To Ride A Hoverboard Around The Airport

Which is something Amber Rose’s ex-husband and human Blair Witch stick bundle Wiz Khalifa learned last night. According to Wiz Khalifa, who documented his airport hoverboard drama on Twitter, and TMZ, who is basically the internet’s gossipy aunt (they know everything and they know it first), it all started when Wiz decided to roll around LAX like Marty McFly on one of those hoverboard things. Let’s see…how to describe those hoverboards. I got it – you know that time you went to the fancy outdoor mall and some bratty 12-year-old swerved around you like a rich kid robot while his mother hollered “Braedynn? Precious? Watch out for people, honey” behind him? Yes, that thing.

Anyway, I guess airport police at LAX weren’t into an eight-foot tall scarecrow weaving in and out of slow-moving people dragging rolly suitcases, so they took his hovering ass down. Shortly after it happened, Wiz tweeted “Haven’t been slammed and cuffed in a while. That was fun.” then posted two videos from the incident. The first shows Wiz arguing with police, and the second shows the police introducing Wiz’s face to the floor. Warning: both videos appear to be filtered with some mid-90s Sony Handycam shit. So if you’re anything like me, you will be waiting for Bob Saget’s voice to come in and narrate both videos, America’s Funniest Home Videos-style, and sadly, that never happens.

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Chrissy Teigen’s Dress Was Out For Blood Last Night

For those of you who are reaching for your glasses and wondering who hired Robert Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson to operate the cameras for the Billboard Music Awards, don’t worry – it’s not you. The above image is blurry because current film technology isn’t advanced enough to catch the ninja-like speed of Chrissy Teigen’s dress as it attempted to take out the poor woman walking behind her. Forget Taylor Swift and her gangly gang of suburban road warriors; Chrissy’s dress was the real deadly assassin at the BBMAs.

As Chrissy was walking to the stage with her co-host Ludacris, some woman tried to cut across behind her, but I guess she caught the back of Chrissy’s dress and instead of her ass landing in her seat, it landed on the floor. Unfortunately, Chrissy didn’t have time to be the wind beneath that lady’s wings and lift her ass off the ground, so she kept walking. Does anyone have an extra sweater? It just got COLD!

But Chrissy Teigen would like you to know she’s not a icy-hearted ho who enjoys watching clumsy tricks struggle all over the floor. According to Chrissy, Chrissy didn’t know there was a Code BOOM happening behind her.

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Amber Rose Really, Really Wants To Get Back Together With Wiz Khalifa

Despite the fact that practically every day since Amber Rose called it quits on her husband of one year Wiz Khalifa has been a dramatic social media shouting match MESS, it looks like Amber Rose still dreams of being Mrs. Cheez Whiz. I know, cue up all your Michael Bluth “Him?“s. Yesterday, Amber professed her undying love to Wiz on Instagram (of course) by posting a picture of the two of them tongue humping each other with the following admission that she’s clearly next-level dickmatized:

“My #ManCrushEveryday you know what it is…. We went wrong somewhere and even if we never ever get back together (Even tho I pray, dream and hope we do) he will forever be the love of my life. The media doesn’t make it easy but fuck them we gotta live for reality and not society. We forever have a bond because we made a beautiful baby from our Love. Through all the ups and downs of our relationship my heart still beats for him every single day. I’m sick of putting on a front like I’m happy without him. I’m not. He makes me happy. He’s the only one who can. Regardless of how our lives Turn out in the long run he will always be the skinny tatted up stoner that has my heart.”

Oh brother. If only Amber had a Loretta Castorini in her life to grab her by the shoulders and tell her to snap out of it. Then again, I doubt it would do any good; she’d just spin around, pop her giant booty and go “Okay, now slap this one! Wait – lemme grab the video camera.”

I get that Amber’s coochie is lonesome for Wiz’s skinny tattoo needle dick, but that’s because it doesn’t know any better. According to a fact I just made up, crotch parts aren’t very smart, so even if your brain is like “Kick that scrub to the curb and delete their number!“, your crotch parts will be like “Aw, but remember the time they humped you so hard you went cross-eyed for 2 hours? That was nice, right?”

Here’s Amber taking a break from sitting at her window and singing “Somewhere Out There” like a horny Fievel at some skate shop opening a few days ago with Nick Cannon:

Pics: Splash

I Don’t Think That Fur Stole Is Part Of The Party Down Dress Code…

I’m not sure what the inspiration behind Charli XCX’s Grammys outfit was, but I like to imagine that her stylist was going for ‘former Party Down employee who was fired for getting stoned and falling asleep on a pile of fur coats at a graduation party for Leonard Stiltskin’s daughter‘ sort of thing. She’s like the accidental hot tub baby of Roman and Bobbie St. Brown. She also kind of reminds me of a baby model from the baby formal wear page of a Sears catalog. You know, the one where all the babies look like tiny aspiring dinner theater magicians?

But if I have to be totally honest, that baby pink mink stole would have looked so much hotter paired with a floor-length crystal-studded Bob Mackie gown. Yes, I know that it’s no longer 1979 and not everyone can be Cher or Morgan Fairchild, but what ever happened to serving up show-stopping glitz n’ glamour at the Grammys? I understand that not everyone can handle the responsibility that comes along with walking the red carpet in some top-shelf crystal-covered eleganza, but at least they could try. It’s truly a dark day when only ONE person was brave enough to pull out all the stops (no, literally – there’s definitely a construction site missing its caution markers) and arrive working some old school beauty pageant glamour.

Here’s more of Charli XCX, as well as the rest of the dull, unpolished rhinestones that rolled down the Grammy red carpet last night, including an escort-looking Lady Gaga, Kelly Osbourne in Dame Edna drag, Katy Perry in Kelly Osbourne drag, and John Mayer making me completely ashamed to say I totally would:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

I’m Glad To See Things Between Wiz Khalifa And His Ex-Wife Amber Rose Are Still Completely Messy

It’s been a little over four months since come-to-life Robert Crumb cartoon Amber Rose quit her 1-year marriage to human-sized weed bud Wiz Khalifa, and already they’ve managed to pack in more divorce drama than most people could do in twice the time. And naturally, most of it has been happening on Twitter, because Amber and Wiz are very mature adults. So it should come as a shock to absolutely no one that Wiz Khalifa went on a long-ass melodramatic rant about his ex-wife two nights ago on Twitter. Wiz never gets into specifics about what set off him off, but it sounds like something went down with their 1-year-old son Sebastian.

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The WizRose Split Gets Even Messier: Amber Caught Wiz Having A Threesome With Twin Sisters

When it was announced a week ago that Amber Rose was quitting her marriage to Coolio Jr. Wiz Khalifa, I knew it was only a matter of time before this shit got more dramatic than a prime time French Canadian soap opera during sweeps week. First Wiz was cheating! Then Amber was cheating! Then Amber became a millionaire! Then Baby Sebastian kissed his Frère André medal and dramatically shouted “Oh mon Dieu!” (he didn’t, but he would if he was on a show called Grand Amour de Cul, aka “Great Big Butt Love”).

And now we know a little bit more about the types of women Wiz was passing his skinny cheater penis to. According to one of Amber’s close friends, Hot 97’s Peter Rosenberg (via Page Six), Amber and Wiz always had problems, but she didn’t have confirmation he was stepping out on her until she stepped in on him in the middle of a three-way with two twin sisters, fashion designers Jass and Ness Rose. Rosenberg claims Amber caught Cheez Whiz cheating on her at their second home. I hope she screamed “Sisters fucking sisters? Ew, Jass Ness-ty!” when she caught them.

Rosenberg also went on to say that Amber would NEVAH cheat on Clifford the Muppets’ illegitimate son, or anyone for that matter, because she’s a “smart-ass, savvy businesswoman”, aka she always abides by the Gold Diggers Creed (“Don’t be a dummy, bitch get that money“).

Well, at least now we know Wiz Khalifa has a type, and that type is fuck parts attached to people with the surname Rose. Axl and Charlie, look out – you’re next!