If you didn’t overindulge last night celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day but still want the splitting headache and creeping sense of shame, Nancy Pelosi and Bono have got you covered. Yesterday, at the Capitol’s annual Friends of Ireland luncheon, Nancy took the stage to recite a poem by Bono, “a very Irish part of our lives,” addressing the war in Ukraine and proclaiming that President Zelenskyy is the new Saint Patrick. And to make matters even worse for the people of Ukraine, Ireland and America, she followed Bono’s wobbly ballad by inviting Riverdance up to do a little jig. There now, don’t you feel like you drained a bottle of Jameson last night and woke up with a shamrock tattoo on your neck and no idea how it got there?
First of all, Matthew McConaughey approaches the word “poem” like it’s a danged rattlesnake fixin’ to send him to his maker. But you better believe he snatched that daggum critter by the tail and made it his bitch while introducing his upcoming memoir, Greenlights. Matthew’s describes his book, which comes out in October, as a collection of “sights and seens, nices and means, successes and failures,” but also of “stories, people, places, prayers, prescribes, and a whole lot of bumper stickers.” Ladies and gents, McConaughey is ready to take his place as America’s preeminent cowboy po-it (and his boots know it too— they’re Longfellows).
Say what you will about Hillsong Church’s anti-LGBTQ views and cringe-inducing pastors, but its contributions to the arts, specifically in the art of soul-stirring poetry, simply cannot be dismissed. Hillsong devotee and burgeoning bard Justin Bieber has been bested in verse by his brother in worship, Chris Pratt. Chris posted a poem he “found” on Instagram which not only affirms his political affiliations (he’s writing in God for 2020), it contains a rhyme scheme so intricate and unique, mere mortals are unable to detect it. #RhymesOnlyAngelsCanHear
Justin Bieber has been bothering us for so long that sometimes I forget he’s practically still a kid. It almost makes me feel bad for making fun of his juvenile naivety. But then he goes and writes a poem that begins with the line “Sunlight falls into the Abyss: Just like i fall into your lips”, and I have to laugh. Yes, he’s only 25 but he’s a married man and I’m a little worried he’s never actually kissed a girl before. Either that, or Hailey Baldwin‘s a soul eating demon whose lips are the mouth of a cavernous hellscape. Although, I suppose both could be true.
It has been way too long since we’ve been blessed with Pamela Anderson’s profound poetry. She’s back and the good news is she’s still got it. The bad news is, it gets a little awkward due to the fact that her subject this time around is Julian Assange.
When God’s god Kanye West announced that he has changed the title of his new album from Swish to Waves, many didn’t like it because “swish” is the sound that a toilet makes when it flushes and that seemed more fitting. Wiz Khalifa also wasn’t happy about Kanye naming his album Waves, because according to the tattooed scarecrow, the words “wave” and “wavy” belong to rapper Max B. I guess you could say that Waves caused waves. I know, I know….
Kanye tweeted “all respect” to Max B when he announced his new album title, but Wiz still wasn’t into it. Wiz told Kanye that he needs to go back to Swish and “hit this KK and become yourself.” Wiz wasn’t talking about Kim Kartrashian when he typed KK, he was talking about his own strain of weed called Khalifa Kush. That tweet still set Kanye off and he went after a trick.
Kanye handed his black unicorn pelt Givenchy fanny pack to North West, pulled off his $2000 army bomber jacket (you know, the one you can get for $35 at the army surplus store) and asked Riccardo Tisci to hand him a bottle of lube before he greased up his face and stepped into the ring. Kanye’s MacBook Air (or whatever he’s using now) is probably lying on a table in the morgue section of the Genius Bar, because he pounded the shit out of it while throwing poetic tweets at Wiz. Many of Kanye’s tweets (which he deleted) are after the cut. Warning: You will overdose on Vitamin D (for delusion) while reading them: