Advance apologies to our British readers, but I don’t know who any of your “celebrities” are unless they are Dames, Sirs, Katie Price or Idris Elba. I may have no idea who Rita Ora is, but ya’ll sure do know how to put the “F” in Fashion (if the F stands for “fuck is this?”). The Brit Awards, Britain’s equivalent to The Grammys, were last night and apparently, the theme for the red carpet was “Party at Party City“. There were enough pinatas, clown suits, vinyl tablecloths, crepe paper ruffles, and discounted Halloween costumes on display to stock every single party store in Britain for the next millennium. Above is noted (somewhere) fabric sculptor and designer Daniel Lismore, who’s ready to serve as the punch bowl at your next Luau/Red Wedding themed get-together.
Oh, don’t mind Russell Wilson; he’s just been trying so hard not to stare into Ciara’s front no no hole that he’s fallen into some kind of catatonic state. I’m sure he’s fine.
If there’s one night of the year when a famous type can throw out everything they know about class, taste, style, common sense, and Spanx, it’s the Grammys. I’m pretty sure if you look on your invitation, the dress code is simply a picture of Toni Braxton from the 43rd Grammy Awards. Unfortunately, only a handful of people observed the dress code and came barely-draped in their tacky finest. The most elegant of which was Ciara, who showed up in a table runner held together with a bunch of ribbons and damn near flashed everyone her panty goodies.
I’m not sure why Ciara and Russell Wilson were at the Grammys, since she hasn’t been nominated for one in six years and he doesn’t sing, but I’m really glad they did. Otherwise, we might have missed out on Ciara’s gorgeously trampy formal nightgown thing. Ciara looks like a slutty Miami dancer (I’ll let you decide what kind of dancer) named Porquoi? who works for diamonds and really really wants to fuck Scarface, and I’m into it.
With that being said, if this is how Ciara dresses now, I can’t wait to see what kind of high-end classiness $15 million lawsuit winner Ciara shows up in next year.
Of course, there were a few close seconds in terms of pure class and elegance, like Joy Villa and the always stunning Z LaLa (who came dressed like an IKEA As-Is section version of Cher). On the other end of the spectrum was Dancia, who said “Fuck it” to sexy and covered herself in whatever she could grab from Nicki Minaj’s storage locker from 2010 and glue to her pink onesie.
No, your browser didn’t fall into a future portal and show you the first runway refugee on the new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race who was given her sashay away orders after losing a challenge where she had to make a Star Trek go-go dancer outfit out of Regretsy rejects. This is
Jenny Craig’sWeight Watchers’ main ho, JHud, wearing a whole lot of dusty pink NO at last night’s taping of Vh1 Divas Soul in NYC.
When you’re at the same event as the international icon of glamour Dolly Parton, this is not how come out. That lacefront was slapped on with Silly Putty, those retina-melting boots were made from my old glitter snap bracelets and the top of her dress almost looks like a bib of dehydrated menstrual berries. But even though JHud was hairline to toe fug, she still didn’t give us the most dreadful look last night. That title goes to Jessie J who really needs to have a permanent seat on a chair made of Super Glue. That low budget Mrs. White mop on her head gives me flames, FLAMES, on the side of my face.
Here’s more pictures from last night’s Vh1 Divas Soul, which I think airs tonight (I think). In order!: JHead, Jill Scott, Mary J. Blige, Florence Welch, Jessie Janky, Mavis Staples with Martha Reeves, Chaka with 50 Cent, Common and DOLLY!!!!