King Charles Poses With His Family, Queen Camilla, And The Future Kings In A New Series Of Portraits
Hot on the heels of his big crowning ceremony and concert that brought out the biggest and brightest in reality tv show hosts, King Charles has released his official portraits. You can’t have layer after layer of heavy, shiny shit put onto you without having it photographed for posterity. One portrait is of the whole gang, the next has him with the final boss of side pieces, Queen Camilla, and the other features two famous guest stars, both of his sausage fingers, Prince William and Prince George. Sadly, the true star of the Coronation, Sir Karl Jenkins, is nowhere in any of these portraits.
If you’re a Brit, then I’m sure your vocal cords are sore (and not in a sexy way) from loudly chanting that oath of allegiance to King Charles III on his Coronation Day. Or your vocal cords are sore from loudly snoring while sleeping through King Chuck’s Corny because you don’t give one shit about it. Whatever the case, King Charles and Queen Camilla’s bloomers filled with panty pudding royale today as they were crowned during the scaled-back three-day Coronation event that is costing British taxpayers ONLY $125 million. King Charles and Queen Camilla’s crowning ceremony happened at Westminster Abbey today and featured a spotlight-stealing cameo from little Prince Louis and a quick appearance by Prince Harry, whose ass is already on a plane back to California for his son Prince Archie’s fourth birthday.
May 6th is an extremely important day, and I don’t have to tell you why. But I will. It’s National Crepe Suzette Day! I’m sure you’ve already got that important holiday written in Sharpie on your calendar and already counting down the days. But a much less exciting celebration is also happening on May 6th. The coronation of King Charles III is going down that day. Since it’s about a month away, Buckingham Palace has released a new picture of King Chuck and the side piece formerly known as Duchess Camilla and, more recently, Queen Consort Camilla. The palace also put out the official invitation for King Charles’ coronation, and Queen Camilla’s new title made its debut on it.
After THE QUEEN’s death last year, Prince Charles became King Charles III, and Duchess Camilla became Queen Consort Camilla. But that title was just a placeholder, I guess. Because back in February, Ben wrote about how the palace decided to do away with the “Consort” shit and simplify her title to Queen Camilla. Now, I’m sure that Camilla has been scribbling “Queen Camilla” with crown-hungry eyes in her diary for decades, but that title has now been officially used by the palace. It’s a big day for tampons AND side pieces everywhere!
Since THE QUEEN decided that guests wishing to join her on the balcony for the Platinum Jubilee edition of Trooping the Colour needed to show two forms of ID and a pay-stub from The Firm, as expected, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were absent, and according to People, watched the festivities from The Major General’s Office where they “could be seen playfully entertaining various young royals” whose wrist muscles aren’t yet sufficiently developed to endure the rigors of sustained royal waving. However that was not a problem for the littlest royal Prince Louis whose enthusiastic wrist-flopping and face-pulling absolutely stole the show. The Royal Family hasn’t produced a ham this big since The Queen offered Peppa Pig a Damehood.
A Royal Mystery solved! Just as the gossip site Hollywood Unlocked got an EXCLUSIVE that THEE QUEEN had perished (she has not), Duchess Kate Middleton announced that she was feeling “very broody” and joked that whenever she meets a baby, she comes home to William and says “let’s have another one.” Now we know that Kate’s Royal Womb has already produced three possible successors to The Throne, Prince George, 8, Princess Charlotte, 6, and Prince Louis, 3. And given that their father Prince William still has to wait in line behind his pops for his shot, there’s an awful lot of spare heirs coming up behind him. And so I have a theory as to who tipped off the press with a false report that the line of succession is in motion.
Fresh off from getting shit for their taxpayer-funded train tour during a pandemic and for keeping their faces mask-free during a red carpet photo-op with their entire family, Prince William and Duchess Kate are now getting head shakes and tsk-tsks over breaking one of Britain’s COVID rules. Britain’s COVID rules state that different households can get together but the group can not be made up of more than six humans. And on Sunday night, William, Kate, and their three children (7-year-old Prince George, 5-year-old Prince Charlotte, and 2-year-old Prince Louis) met up with P. Willy’s uncle, Prince Edward, and his wife Sophie, Countess of Wessex and their two children (17-year-old Lady Louise and 13-year-old James, Viscount Severn). Since I have a Ph.D. in math (read: I used a Little Professor once), I know that five plus four equals…. *counts on fingers* NINE, which is more than six, which means that they all broke the rules, which means the dungeon for them all!