Just about the only member of the British royal family still untainted by scandal, Prince George, (Charlotte knows what she did) is celebrating his 7th birthday today. As per tradition, The Firm has released two new pictures of their Wholesome Employee of The Year via his mom and dad’s Instagram account. According to People, the camouflage t-shirt George is wearing in one of the pictures is a “nod” to his family’s “history of service in the armed forces,” noting that his Dad, Prince William, and his uncle, Prince Harry, both served as young men. That’s a lot to put on a 7-year-old kid who probably just likes the camo because it reminds him of boogers. Delicious, organic, sustainably harvested boogers.
I don’t know why, but when I think of Father’s Day, Prince William is usually the last person who comes to mind. But I get it, he’s a father. And a royal. And it’s his birthday. So, I guess it makes sense that new photos of him frolicking with his three kids, looking totally natural––as though they do stuff like that every day––would be released today, of all days.
Since Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan decided to skip the usual Christmas Day strut to church in favor of getting drunk on maple syrup and moose saliva wine spritzers in Canada, the royal family knew they’d have to bring out some real star power to get the people to show up. Because if only Prince William and Duchess Kate did the strut, the only people who would show up would be those who suffer from insomnia since the sight of that double serving of boredom would knock anyone out. So that’s where Future King George and Princess Charlotte come in.
They joined mummy and daddy for their annual stroll into St Mary Magdalene Church in Sandringham today. Although, judging by the looks on their faces, they would rather be at home, screaming at the servants to get those AA batteries for their Hatchimals at once!
Sorry, Duchess Meghan And Prince Hot Ginge, But Only FMs (Future Monarchs) Will Make An Appearance During THE QUEEN’s Speech
It was reported that THE QUEEN had a fucking time writing her annual Christmas Day speech, and not only just because she had one too many breakfast gins and Prince Philip kept saying to her, “Pull my finger, love!”, as his day nurse stood by with a clean pair of bloomers because the nurse knows that “pull my finger” usually leads to some sticky toffee pudding in the prince’s chonies royale. But THE QUEEN apparently had some issues with her annual speech because of three little things called “her grandsons scrappin‘,” “her ginger grandson and granddaughter-in-law BRINGING DOWN THE MONARCHY with their rebel ways,” and “everyone finding out that her youngest son is probably perv trash and is really bad at lying.” I mean, isn’t the royal family supposed to be masters at lie-telling and fooling the public? And Prince Andrew is embarrassing his family by being bad at it. For shame!
The Queen’s Speech (2019) doesn’t hit screens until Christmas Day, but because everything needs a trailer nowadays, the Palace has put out a teaser including a piece of what she says and a shot of her sitting next to frames that don’t have pictures of Prince Hot Ginge or Duchess Meghan in them. So is this THE QUEEN’s shady way of letting us know that those two ain’t shit to her since they’re eating moose poutine in Canada for Christmas instead of spending it with her? Or is there another totally different reason for why she didn’t include them. SPOILER ALERT: It’s the second one.
This week, a whole lot of kids had to go back to school, and that included Prince George, who probably couldn’t help but wonder if a sweetly-worded letter to Great-Granny might get him an extra month of summer vacation. Sadly, Great-Granny is busy with more pressing matters, so it’s back to school for him! And this time joining Prince George at Thomas’s Battersea for the first time is his little sister Princess Charlotte. Somewhere in the Good Morning America studio, a producer just stared daggers at Lara Spencer and mouthed the words, “Don’t you dare ask where their tutus are.”
You Knew This Was Coming: Lara Spencer Apologized On Air About Laughing At Prince George Taking Ballet
Good Morning America’s Lara Spencer found out last week that laughing at a 6-year-old boy for taking ballet lessons isn’t something people are here for. And as Prince George quietly made a plan to imprison Lara’s living relatives when he becomes King and takes over America, many (including Debbie Allen, Chita Rivera, and Gene Kelly’s widow) defended male dancers, and so Lara pirouetted her ass into the damage control zone. And yes, Prince George would give that sad pirouette two thumbs down and off with ‘er ‘ead!