I don’t know why, but when I think of Father’s Day, Prince William is usually the last person who comes to mind. But I get it, he’s a father. And a royal. And it’s his birthday. So, I guess it makes sense that new photos of him frolicking with his three kids, looking totally natural––as though they do stuff like that every day––would be released today, of all days.
This week, a whole lot of kids had to go back to school, and that included Prince George, who probably couldn’t help but wonder if a sweetly-worded letter to Great-Granny might get him an extra month of summer vacation. Sadly, Great-Granny is busy with more pressing matters, so it’s back to school for him! And this time joining Prince George at Thomas’s Battersea for the first time is his little sister Princess Charlotte. Somewhere in the Good Morning America studio, a producer just stared daggers at Lara Spencer and mouthed the words, “Don’t you dare ask where their tutus are.”
It’s been one month since Master Archie was pulled out of Duchess Meghan’s body and began his completely ordinary life of never hearing the words, “Sorry, it declined. Got another card?“, sipping gin-spiked juice from his great-grandmama THE QUEEN on his third birthday, wearing the finest Mary Janes money can buy, and getting to call Prince Hot Ginge daddy. Meghan was resting her swollen parts while on maternity leave, but pressed pause on that for a second to do her job of waving and smiling at her subjects in a parade. No, the parade wasn’t to celebrate Trump leaving the UK.
The parade was to celebrate THE QUEEN’S birthday. THE QUEEN turned 93 on April 21st, but since she’s THE FUCKING QUEEN (I think that’s her official title, honestly) she gets two birthdays, and today is Trooping The Colour, the official celebration of her born day. There’s a parade, an air show, and THE QUEEN “inspects” her troops. It’s a shame that I’ll probably be dead when Prince George does his “inspection” of his troops, because you know he’s going to be brutal and order the be-footing of troops whose shoes don’t tickle his corneas with their shininess.
“Oi, don’t even fink of giving me no bloody nickname other than Future Lil’ King or William Who?, or I’ll have you tossed out on your bubble and squeak.” I don’t know if that’s what Prince George thought, but you can’t tell me for sure that he didn’t. His sister Princess Charlotte, on the other hand, does have a little nickname, which was recently revealed by Prince William.
‘Tis the season for me to start getting IM’s messages from friends of yore asking me for my address so I can act surprised when I get a Christmas card in the mail with a picture of them, their spouse I’ve never met, and their “adorable” kids. It’s all so wholesome and earnest, and goes against my core beliefs. Still, I always hold on to them for a couple of weeks because I feel guilty about recycling them immediately. Sadly I didn’t get a text message from Kensington Palace this year, and I really wish I had because there’s nothing wholesome about the tingling sensation Prince William is giving me in his family portrait. If I was on the list, that card would be skipping the mantle and going straight to my bedside table.
Even though Prince George graced Princess Eugenie with his presence at her wedding because he knew he needed to do something to drum up ratings since even the BBC wasn’t wanting to air it. The future King of England is usually a ham when in public, which is refreshing since THE QUEEN isn’t exactly known for making weird noises and faces at anyone unless it’s when Donald Trump keeps her ass waiting around. Anyway, at today’s Eh Royal Wedding between Eugenie and her cousin (distant, but who cares! It’ll never get old!) Jack Brooksbank, George decided to go searching for some royal gold…up his nose.