Even though Duchess Meghan wasn’t there to scream “move your bloomin’ ass” from the stands or make some other gauche faux pas like she did at Trooping The Colour, there was still plenty of excitement to be had at the opening day of the Royal Ascot horse race. The annual event which, according to People began in 1711, was attended by Her Royal Highness THE QUEEN, Duchess Kate, Prince William, Prince Charles, Duchess Camilla, Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice as well as those clog shuffling, french fry dipping, dyke plugging royals King Willem-Alexander and Queen Maxima of the Netherlands. In other words, every duke and earl and peer was there, everyone who should be there was there. And that folks, is your My Fair Lady deep cut for the day.
“A Winking Camilla” sounds like something that Prince Charles would ask for on his anniversary. But I mean it literally. Donald Trump is currently in the UK for an official state visit, and even though he lives his life like he’s the most interesting, charismatic person in the room, yesterday that honor went to Duchess Camilla.
For his first official state visit to the UK, Trump has flown across the Atlantic ocean and went to London to visit The Queen. Poor Queen Elizabeth – she puts on a lovely mint green suit and statement hat for the occasion, and Trump can barely be bothered to wrangle the back of his hair.
If you’re a middle schooler looking for a book report topic, snooty British society rag Tatler has something for you! Great Britain needs a reason to feel good about itself since it is royally screwing up its own Brexit, so it’s going for a tried-and-true pick-me-up: slamming Duchess Meghan in a thoughtful way! The magazine spent a long-ass time describing the first year of life with Meghan, even though it’s still about two months from her one-year anniversary with Prince Harry. The glossy magazine shades everything from Meghan choosing NOT to fire a gun with Harry in the countryside (EGAD!) and speculates she’ll divorce his ass after they have a couple of kids. Don’t get too excited, Thomas and Samantha Markle. Tatler shat on y’all, too.
That Duchess Meghan just can’t help herself. She always has to take the opportunity to shove the fact that she’s doing Prince Hot Ginge full-time into the jealous, unlucky, stupid faces of us PHG-heads. Did she really have to use Commonwealth Day to show us the hat she wears while “playing nurse” with PHG in their bedroom. How cold!
Today is Commonwealth Day, and you might be thinking that’s the day when royals flaunt their wealth in front of the commoners, and you’d be right. But that’s every day. Commonwealth Day is a holiday to celebrate all the traitors to THE QUEEN (aka the former territories of the British Empire). Commonwealth Day services at Westminster Abbey in London today brought out Meghan, PHG, THE QUEEN, and a bunch of other royals nobody really cares about.
When I heard Duchess Meghan and Duchess Catherine would end up spending Christmas together with THE QUEEN at her country estate, I figured their feuding would escalate to Kate snickering when Meghan sat down on a Whoopee cushion left on her chair, and Meghan would strike back by short-sheeting Kate’s bed. Alas, QE2 probably saw this coming and wasn’t about to have her Sandringham estate turned into hazing week at the Kappa Gamma house. Meghan and Kate were seen strolling en route to church looking like old chums, and The Sun’s creative writing interns say that wasn’t a coincidence.