The 92nd Annual Academy Awards turned into The 1st Annual Local Bong Joon-ho Appreciation Awards, and that was a very good thing. But beyond that, the ceremony was an unorganized, sloppy mess and was more confusing than my thought process while trying to follow the word salad, with a drizzling of benzos and vinegar dressing, that Renee Zellweger dribbled out. Some of the performances for the Best Original Song nominees were not announced, and so we were all left brain-burping up question marks when Randy Newman (or, “Is that Bernie Sanders in a wig?!” as my mom called him) randomly popped up on stage to sing his nominated song from Toy Story 4. But the most unforgivable moment of the messy night was Luke Perry getting left out of the In Memoriam. The devil works hard but the Luke Perry-hating Oscar producers work harder.
The Kansas City Star says that there is one less criminal, a real smooth criminal, on the streets, and he was done in by his own fart. Yes, a man who was running from the 5-0 and hid in the woods might have gotten away with it were it not for his own uncontrollable intestinal tract. Someone get this guy some bismuth subsalicylate, quick!
If in the future, Blue Bell protects their creamy deliciousness with one of those annoying plastic security bands of frustration, causing you to break a toof as you try to rip it open with your mouth in the middle of the night because you can’t be bothered with scissors and need that goodness now, blame this SUCIO menace! I mean, there’s definitely a market for saliva-laced ice cream, so she’s not only a dum dum for not getting paid for something some freak would definitely pay for, but she’s also a dum dum for showing the world her crime against humanity, hygiene, and more importantly ICE CREAM!
It was just last month when Soulja Boy got arrested for violating his extended probation for some firearms charges from eight years ago. After Soulja made some threats online and allegedly held a woman he was seeing against her will, the cops paid him a visit and found a firearm, which was a probation violation, so he was taken to jail. He was arrested, but released that same day, just in time for an appearance at a Clippers game.
But now he’s back in jail, and luckily for him since he seems to love jail, he doesn’t have to worry about getting released and leaving the warm embrace of monochrome gray decor, thin bed mattresses, and orange jumpsuits, because the judge has decided Soulja can stay.
It is a dark day, because we soon may be without a daily dose of Vanilla Ice stealing shit from nearby homes while shooting The Vanilla Ice Project, and the tip-moistening sight of Mr. Clean’s tattooed handy Canadian brother Mike Holmes in overalls (thank GOD he’s also on HGTV). Because Discovery has announced that in the summer of 2020, the DIY Network will be beaten to death with hammers and thrown into a shallow grave before Chip and Joanna Gaines piss on it while cackling about their impending world domination.
All together now: RUUUUN, CAT, RUUUUUUUUUUUN!
30-year-old Shane Dawson (pronounced “WHO?!” to us olds) is one of the biggest (and probably one of the richest) YouTubers with over 21 million subscribers. And like many big YouTubers, he has mouth sharted up some foolery which he has had to give a totally real and genuine apology for. Shane had to put on his best sowwwy face to apologize for doing blackface repeatedly and for things he’s said about pedophilia. And yesterday, Shane, who came out as bisexual in 2015, had to once again try to save his YouTube Kingdom with a sorry after a clip came out of him telling the tale of the first time he got on pussy, and by pussy I mean an actual cat. Again: RUUUUN, CAT, RUUUUUUUUUUUN!