May 6th is an extremely important day, and I don’t have to tell you why. But I will. It’s National Crepe Suzette Day! I’m sure you’ve already got that important holiday written in Sharpie on your calendar and already counting down the days. But a much less exciting celebration is also happening on May 6th. The coronation of King Charles III is going down that day. Since it’s about a month away, Buckingham Palace has released a new picture of King Chuck and the side piece formerly known as Duchess Camilla and, more recently, Queen Consort Camilla. The palace also put out the official invitation for King Charles’ coronation, and Queen Camilla’s new title made its debut on it.
After THE QUEEN’s death last year, Prince Charles became King Charles III, and Duchess Camilla became Queen Consort Camilla. But that title was just a placeholder, I guess. Because back in February, Ben wrote about how the palace decided to do away with the “Consort” shit and simplify her title to Queen Camilla. Now, I’m sure that Camilla has been scribbling “Queen Camilla” with crown-hungry eyes in her diary for decades, but that title has now been officially used by the palace. It’s a big day for tampons AND side pieces everywhere!
You ALL better bow down and get your curtsy’s correct because if not Queen Consort Camilla might take her scepter and knock you upside the head a few times. In May, once King Charles finally accepts the highest position at his company (aka The Windsor Family), his ride-or-die sidepiece wife will be Queen. When THE QUEEN died last year, and Prince Charles became King Charles, Camilla got the title of Queen Consort Camilla. But now it’s being reported that come May, Camilla won’t have that pesky “Consort” in her title anymore.
Prince Harry Says That Camilla Planted Positive Stories In The Press To “Rehabilitate Her Image” As The “Villain”
In case you couldn’t tell by the 12,384,965,999 headlines about Prince Harry’s tell-all (and that’s a low ass estimate), Prince Harry has a tell-all, Spare, out this week. Penguin Random House reportedly paid Harry $20 million for his memoir, and sources claim it needs to sell at least 1.7 million copies to break even. So Harry is out there hustling like the mortgage on Chateau de Bottom-Joined Palm Trees was due last week. His interviews with 60 Minutes and ITV aired yesterday, his talk with Good Morning America came out today, and he’s on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert tomorrow night. All that peddling may be paying off because Spare is currently #1 on Amazon’s best-selling books list, even though it feels like every word of that book has already leaked. What else is there to read? Well, apparently, there’s more, including Harry accusing his stepmother Queen Consort Camilla of being a throne-climbing opportunist who’d stop at nothing to get her diabolical paws on the crown. Breaking news, I know.
Ever since Prince Harry announced the release of Spare, the internet has been abuzz with excerpts from the tell-all book. From the tale of fisticuffs between the two princes to the origins of the infamous Nazi uniform to Harry dragging William for his hair loss, the book contains a seemingly never-ending stream of embarrassing stories designed to last a Queen’s lifetime. So, what do the Royals think of Harry’s collection of bedtime stories for unloved boys? They’re pissed! Obviously.
If you had yourself a dysfunctional family holiday filled with drama, tussling, and messiness, just be a little grateful that your filthy laundry wasn’t aired beyond a ~cRyPTic~ Facebook post from your auntie. Because Prince Harry’s memoir, Spare, is out next week, so the promo tour for it has begun, and right now, The Firm is probably furiously trying to leak as many anti-Harry stories as possible as the Benny Hill theme song plays in their heads. In leaked excerpts from the book and promo interviews, Harry accuses Prince William of physically attacking him, says William and Kate Middleton co-signed his Nazi costume, calls William his “archnemesis,” and gets into the rumors that King Charles is not his biological father. Oh, and Harry and William’s nicknames for each other are “Harold” and “Willy.” I know, I buried the true lede!
British TV Presenter Jeremy Clarkson Is “Horrified” That That People Are Horrified By His Horrifying Remarks About Meghan Markle
As we know, the British press can’t seem to get enough Meghan Markle in their diets, and some have resorted to scavenging the deepest, darkest recesses of their minds for imaginary scenarios upon which to feast. You know like when a cartoon character is starving to death and they picture their friend as a succulent roast chicken then act all surprised when they bite into a juicy thigh and Piers Fucking Morgan screams “ouch!” and all of a sudden everybody’s looking at them like they’re some sort of freak? Well, according to Reuters, that’s just what happened to Jeremy Clarkson, that exact kind of freak. A parched and pathetic Jeremy woke up this morning “horrified to have caused so much hurt” after sharing that he doesn’t sleep at night because he’s up “grinding [his] teeth and dreaming of the day when [Meghan] is made to parade naked through the streets of every town in Britain while the crowds chant, ‘Shame!’ and throw lumps of excrement at her.” And it’s not like he just said this at his local Wendy’s drive-thru either. His excrement-forward fanfic was actually printed in The Sun!