Last night was King Charles’ very first state banquet as monarch. The dinner was held for South Africa’s visiting president, Cyril Ramaphosa, who was originally scheduled to make the trip in September. THE QUEEN’S death forced him to reschedule. This banquet was a very big deal (for people who actually give a rat’s ass about the monarchy), so the Royals decided to to bust out the big guns. Their version of “the big guns” is, of course, sparkly tiaras. Queen Consort Camilla wore THE QUEEN’S Belgian Sapphire Tiara and Kate Middleton wore Queen Mary’s Lover’s Knot tiara. The King didn’t get to wear shit. He kept his dome diamond, sapphire, and hair-free. Continue reading
The Protester Who Threw Eggs At King Charles Isn’t Allowed To Carry Eggs In Public Unless He’s Coming From The Grocery Store
Two days ago, King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla were greeting crowds on a visit to York, when, suddenly, *whoosh* *whoosh* *whoosh* Three eggs were hurled in their direction, and splatted on the ground nearby. The culprit, 23-year-old student/eco-activist Patrick Thelwell managed to yell out,“This country was built on the blood of slaves!” and “Not my king!” before he was wrestled to the ground by bobbies and arrested. After spending 12 hours in a cell, Patrick was released on bail. He is facing a fine of £5,000 and up to six months behind bars.
Now Patrick is speaking about the incident to the media, including The Mirror and Dazed. He reveals that his “amusing” bail conditions include not being allowed within 500 meters of the King (easy) and not being allowed to carry eggs in public… unless he’s coming from the grocery store. Sorry, kids, Uncle Patty can’t run the annual Easter egg hunt this year; he’s banned from carrying eggs in public.
Thanks to scores of Royal watchers, experts, reporters, and armchair enthusiasts, we know a lot of fun little details about the British Royal Family’s proclivities. Their likes, dislikes, quirks, and tics— from how THE QUEEN took her nightly gin to the reports that both Prince Andrew and now King Charles III still sleep with teddy bears— are all public knowledge. Still, despite near constant interest and attention paid to the minutiae of Royal life, apparently, nobody has bothered to find out how King Charles likes his eggs! And so, as with most societies that have been historically separated into the haves, the have-nots and the have-crowns, it is up to the average British citizen to decide for themselves how best to serve their sovereign. People reports that earlier today, one enterprising young subject took it upon himself to find out by lobbing raw eggs at Chuckie Trips and Queen Consort Camilla as they did a walkabout in the city of York. Turns out he prefers them cooked and on a plate.
The Doomsday Clock (Big Ben, I assume) for the British Royal Family has been set to toll at the strike of midnight on January 10, 2023. For that is the day when Prince Harry’s memoir, confidently titled Spare, will be unleashed on the world and the secrets buried within those hallowed pages will spew forth and wreak havoc on Harry’s dad, King Charles III et al. melting their faces clean off their skulls like that poor unfortunate souls who dared look at the contents of the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Cause you know Chuckie Trips and his rag-tag crew of minimally employed relations are gonna peek. They won’t be able to help themselves!
Advantage: Dench. But at what cost? Yahoo! News reports that thanks to Dame Judi Dench’s op-ed that ran in The Sunday Times admonishing Netflix for playing fast and loose with the facts on its hit show The Crown, the network has capitulated and added a disclaimer under the season five trailer indicating that anything you might hear or see about, for example, King Charles III’s menstrual product fantasies in relation to Judi’s friend Queen Consort Camilla, is merely a “fictional dramatization,” of events that may or may not have occurred and been committed to tape for all the world to hear. Now, the only “crude sensationalism,” as Dame Judi so haughtily put it, Netflix can be accused of is leaking the fact that Dame Judi herself had been in talks to play The Queen Mother this season, but reportedly turned it down, in part, because they weren’t going to pay her as much as Imelda Staunton CBE, who plays THE QUEEN.
The fifth season of The Crown premieres November 4, and everyone and their QUEEN-lovin’ grandmum is in a tizzy. First, we heard that the Royals are nervous about the show covering all their 90s scandals, namely everything Princess Diana-related. And maybe they’re right to worry, cuz yesterday it was revealed that the show will cover King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla’s Tampongate. Yesterday also brought us an open letter to The Times UK, courtesy of an absolutely fucking pissed-off Dame Judi Dench. She calls the show “cruelly unjust,” and says she supports the campaign to add disclaimers about the show being fictional. Well, today, the trailer for Season 5 finally dropped, and there ain’t no stinking disclaimer. Watch out, Netflix, Judi’s comin’ for ya!