As Robert Pattinson, The Rock, Tiffany Haddish, and other famous types catch coronavirus, David and Victoria Beckham are probably looking at them, “Pfft, coronavirus is so last season, darlings!” Because according to The Grain of Salt Times known as The Sun, Posh and Becks caught coronavirus in the Tom Hanks days of the pandemic (read: aaaaaaalll the way back in the olden days of March 2020). They kept it on the down-low, but because they were flying around and going to parties before they got the diagnosis, they were afraid they were “super spreaders.” Oh, to think, in simpler times, the words “David Beckham” and “super spreader” would make every personal assistant, teacher, and Welsh singer run to the clinic to get her fuck parts checked.
When we all first heard that 56-year-old Brad Pitt has himself a new girlfriend (not named Alia Shawkat) who is a 27-year-old German model named Nicole Poturalski, we figured this was just another regular, boring tale of a middle-aged Hollywood movie star answering his natural instincts by getting with a hot, young model. “HOT and YOUNG?! You must mean ‘hot’ as in ‘hot flashes’ because she’s practically a grandma. Eww, Brad’s a granny fucker!” said Leonardo DiCaprio somewhere.
But it turns out this might have a touch of SKANDAL to it because The Daily Mail says that Nicole is married to 68-year-old German businessman Roland Mary and they have a 7-year-old son together named Emil. However, don’t think that homewrecker Brad struck again (the first time being his marriage to Jennifer Aniston), because sources say that Brad and Nicole aren’t in some kind of entanglement situation (copyright: Jada Pinkett Smith). Nicole and Roland apparently have an open marriage.
Evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr. was already on a leave of absence as president of Liberty University after he broke his contract with them by posting a picture on Instagram with his gut hanging out of his unzipped pants while holding onto his wife’s pregnant assistant who also had her shorts unzipped at a Trailer Park Boys-themed party on a yacht. Well, Jerry’s leave of absence went from temporary to permanent after a man named Giancarlo Granda let us all know that when anti-LGBTQ Jerry wasn’t sticking his judgy nose in other people’s bedrooms, he was in his own bedroom, watching Giancarlo holy hump on his wife Becki Falwell. And now Becki has admitted that she got herself several pieces of Giancarlo, but she claims that Jerry didn’t rewrite Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery to Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Unless Your Husband is watching, because he’s not a cuck.
Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle can now easily skip on over to Oprah’s humble abode or Ellen DeGeneres’ little seaside shack (that’s if they want to contort their faces into an awkward smile while catching Ellen scorching a gardener’s face with her flaming words of rage for her grass being 1/10th of an inch too long) to borrow a cup of caviar or diamonds, or whatever rich people borrow from each other because they have permanently moved to the Santa Barbara area in California. And yes, I’m resisting the urge to Google, “Is the Whole Foods in Santa Barbara hiring a bagger?” so that I can finally say that I once bagged PHG’s organic eggplant.
Inmates Claim That Ghislaine Maxwell Is Getting Special Treatment In Jail (Shocking) And Past Court Documents May Be Unsealed Next Week
Ghislaine Maxwell was moved from a jailhouse in Rhode Island, the state she hiding out in, to the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn instead of the Metropolitan Correctional Center federal prison in Lower Manhattan because MCC is where Jeffrey Epstein died and prison officials are apparently “afraid” the same thing will happen to her. Prison officials have reportedly put in place all sorts of things to make sure Ghislaine doesn’t kill herself or gets taken out by assassins hired by the powerful people she can (and will probably) name as partakers in Epstein’s sex trafficking ring. She’s been given a cellmate (and no, the cellmate isn’t a tiger), she’s been forced to wear paper clothes (and no, the paper clothes are not scented with sardine oil), her bedsheets were taken away, guards are reportedly watching her constantly, and she’s regularly moved from cell to cell.
And now the New York Daily News claims that Ghislaine and I guess her reported cellmate have an entire floor at MDC to themselves, and before she moved in, the other inmates were forced to polish the floors three times for Her Royal Trashness. So basically, that Ghislaine is already making friends in jail!
Taylor Swift Went Into The Woods And Came Out With A Surprise Album, Which Is Coming Out At Midnight
You know how Kanye West has a new album, DONDA: WITH CHILD, coming out tomorrow? Well, his nemesis Taylor Swift grabbed his mic and said, “Yo, Kanye, I’m really happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but I have a new album coming out tonight too.”
The Swifties can go ahead and switch out their usual bedtime beverage of strawberry tea with a sprinkling of stardust (pink sugar) with apple cider-flavored Red Bull because they’re going to be up all night using their cotton candy-scented, cloud-shaped magnifying glass to scan brand new Tay Tay song after brand new Tay Tay song to figure out who she’s writing about. Wait, did I say cotton candy-scented, cloud-shaped magnifying glass? That was the Lover era. They’re going to use their Demeter Dirt-scented, Little Trees-shaped magnifying glass on Taylor’s eight studio album, folklore. Um, Nelly Furtado will see you in court, Tay Tay!