Yes, that is the look of a baby who is thinking, “So, I’m sitting here in this heavy ass Victorian ass lace ass reproduction gown while my grandaunt has beat me in the glamour department by looking stunning in some Truman Capote gone to Panama cosplay? Fuck this shit, get this itchy doll dress off of me!”
As Britain experiences gale-force winds from all of its citizens vigorously shaking their heads over Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan having the disgusting AUDACITY to make their child’s christening private, even though royal christenings are traditionally private, two-month-old Master Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor was christened today at St George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle. That’s the same place where PHG and Meghan were married, and where PHG was christened in 1984. The royals released two pictures including the Awkward Family Photo above. While everybody worked the same tired stuffy royal drag, Princess Diana’s sister Lady Jane Fellowes changed the entire game by looking like she’s about to solve the shit out of a crime on an island.
Even though Duchess Meghan wasn’t there to scream “move your bloomin’ ass” from the stands or make some other gauche faux pas like she did at Trooping The Colour, there was still plenty of excitement to be had at the opening day of the Royal Ascot horse race. The annual event which, according to People began in 1711, was attended by Her Royal Highness THE QUEEN, Duchess Kate, Prince William, Prince Charles, Duchess Camilla, Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice as well as those clog shuffling, french fry dipping, dyke plugging royals King Willem-Alexander and Queen Maxima of the Netherlands. In other words, every duke and earl and peer was there, everyone who should be there was there. And that folks, is your My Fair Lady deep cut for the day.
It’s been one month since Master Archie was pulled out of Duchess Meghan’s body and began his completely ordinary life of never hearing the words, “Sorry, it declined. Got another card?“, sipping gin-spiked juice from his great-grandmama THE QUEEN on his third birthday, wearing the finest Mary Janes money can buy, and getting to call Prince Hot Ginge daddy. Meghan was resting her swollen parts while on maternity leave, but pressed pause on that for a second to do her job of waving and smiling at her subjects in a parade. No, the parade wasn’t to celebrate Trump leaving the UK.
The parade was to celebrate THE QUEEN’S birthday. THE QUEEN turned 93 on April 21st, but since she’s THE FUCKING QUEEN (I think that’s her official title, honestly) she gets two birthdays, and today is Trooping The Colour, the official celebration of her born day. There’s a parade, an air show, and THE QUEEN “inspects” her troops. It’s a shame that I’ll probably be dead when Prince George does his “inspection” of his troops, because you know he’s going to be brutal and order the be-footing of troops whose shoes don’t tickle his corneas with their shininess.
“A Winking Camilla” sounds like something that Prince Charles would ask for on his anniversary. But I mean it literally. Donald Trump is currently in the UK for an official state visit, and even though he lives his life like he’s the most interesting, charismatic person in the room, yesterday that honor went to Duchess Camilla.
For his first official state visit to the UK, Trump has flown across the Atlantic ocean and went to London to visit The Queen. Poor Queen Elizabeth – she puts on a lovely mint green suit and statement hat for the occasion, and Trump can barely be bothered to wrangle the back of his hair.
That Duchess Meghan just can’t help herself. She always has to take the opportunity to shove the fact that she’s doing Prince Hot Ginge full-time into the jealous, unlucky, stupid faces of us PHG-heads. Did she really have to use Commonwealth Day to show us the hat she wears while “playing nurse” with PHG in their bedroom. How cold!
Today is Commonwealth Day, and you might be thinking that’s the day when royals flaunt their wealth in front of the commoners, and you’d be right. But that’s every day. Commonwealth Day is a holiday to celebrate all the traitors to THE QUEEN (aka the former territories of the British Empire). Commonwealth Day services at Westminster Abbey in London today brought out Meghan, PHG, THE QUEEN, and a bunch of other royals nobody really cares about.