If you’re a Brit, then I’m sure your vocal cords are sore (and not in a sexy way) from loudly chanting that oath of allegiance to King Charles III on his Coronation Day. Or your vocal cords are sore from loudly snoring while sleeping through King Chuck’s Corny because you don’t give one shit about it. Whatever the case, King Charles and Queen Camilla’s bloomers filled with panty pudding royale today as they were crowned during the scaled-back three-day Coronation event that is costing British taxpayers ONLY $125 million. King Charles and Queen Camilla’s crowning ceremony happened at Westminster Abbey today and featured a spotlight-stealing cameo from little Prince Louis and a quick appearance by Prince Harry, whose ass is already on a plane back to California for his son Prince Archie’s fourth birthday.
Despite her recent health issues, THE QUEEN managed to make a very special balcony appearance at yesterday’s Platinum Jubilee Pageant. The crowd went wild, because, for them, THE QUEEN is Jennifer Aniston, The Rock, and all the Kardashians rolled into one. She’s a star! But guess who else is a star? Young ham-in-the-making, Prince Louis. And after getting a taste of fame for his Trooping the Colour hijinks, little Louis wasn’t about to let his great-grandmother hog the spotlight at her “pageant” (it was a parade). So he did what any 4-year-old would do at a Rainforest Cafe; he acted the fool.
Since THE QUEEN decided that guests wishing to join her on the balcony for the Platinum Jubilee edition of Trooping the Colour needed to show two forms of ID and a pay-stub from The Firm, as expected, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were absent, and according to People, watched the festivities from The Major General’s Office where they “could be seen playfully entertaining various young royals” whose wrist muscles aren’t yet sufficiently developed to endure the rigors of sustained royal waving. However that was not a problem for the littlest royal Prince Louis whose enthusiastic wrist-flopping and face-pulling absolutely stole the show. The Royal Family hasn’t produced a ham this big since The Queen offered Peppa Pig a Damehood.
Fresh off from getting shit for their taxpayer-funded train tour during a pandemic and for keeping their faces mask-free during a red carpet photo-op with their entire family, Prince William and Duchess Kate are now getting head shakes and tsk-tsks over breaking one of Britain’s COVID rules. Britain’s COVID rules state that different households can get together but the group can not be made up of more than six humans. And on Sunday night, William, Kate, and their three children (7-year-old Prince George, 5-year-old Prince Charlotte, and 2-year-old Prince Louis) met up with P. Willy’s uncle, Prince Edward, and his wife Sophie, Countess of Wessex and their two children (17-year-old Lady Louise and 13-year-old James, Viscount Severn). Since I have a Ph.D. in math (read: I used a Little Professor once), I know that five plus four equals…. *counts on fingers* NINE, which is more than six, which means that they all broke the rules, which means the dungeon for them all!
According to People, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip celebrated their 73rd wedding anniversary “with a very special gift — a homemade card” from their great-grandchildren Prince George, Princess Charlotte, and Prince Louis. Not gonna lie, old Lizzy of London over there has had a rough year. So I’m not going to begrudge her a small celebration. Her Majesty THE QUEEN has had to stand by watching as her grandson defected from The Firm, her son was accused of appalling behavior, her family was portrayed as monsters (albeit kind of hot ones) on The Crown, and she was banished into quarantine with a skeleton crew of servants to service her skeleton of 73 years, Prince Philip. So lord knows she’s earned it. Well, maybe earned isn’t the right word here. She’s been sovereignly ordained it at any rate.
I don’t know why, but when I think of Father’s Day, Prince William is usually the last person who comes to mind. But I get it, he’s a father. And a royal. And it’s his birthday. So, I guess it makes sense that new photos of him frolicking with his three kids, looking totally natural––as though they do stuff like that every day––would be released today, of all days.