It’s been one month since Master Archie was pulled out of Duchess Meghan’s body and began his completely ordinary life of never hearing the words, “Sorry, it declined. Got another card?“, sipping gin-spiked juice from his great-grandmama THE QUEEN on his third birthday, wearing the finest Mary Janes money can buy, and getting to call Prince Hot Ginge daddy. Meghan was resting her swollen parts while on maternity leave, but pressed pause on that for a second to do her job of waving and smiling at her subjects in a parade. No, the parade wasn’t to celebrate Trump leaving the UK.
The parade was to celebrate THE QUEEN’S birthday. THE QUEEN turned 93 on April 21st, but since she’s THE FUCKING QUEEN (I think that’s her official title, honestly) she gets two birthdays, and today is Trooping The Colour, the official celebration of her born day. There’s a parade, an air show, and THE QUEEN “inspects” her troops. It’s a shame that I’ll probably be dead when Prince George does his “inspection” of his troops, because you know he’s going to be brutal and order the be-footing of troops whose shoes don’t tickle his corneas with their shininess.
“Bitches, don’t leave, you’re the only fun ones in this joint!” is what Prince Louis is screaming at Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan as they get banished to Africa!
Today is the first anniversary of the born day of Prince Louis (that’s the third kid royale that Prince William and Duchess Kate made), and just like they did with their other kids, they released pictures of him taken by his mom at their country home earlier this month. I do love that Kate and her team added that shit to his sweater to make him look like a regular. Or maybe his older brother Prince George threw that shit at him right before Kate took the pic. Probably the second one.
The Mirror is reporting that the only daughter of Prince William and Duchess Catherine is actually the most high-value child they have, and her worth is higher than her 5-year-old brother Prince George and her barely-out-of-the-royal-vagine younger brother Prince Louis. Little miss Charlotte may be the middle child, but she is stunting on both her brothers.
When fifth-in-line to the crown Prince Louis arrived to St. James’s Palace for his Christening last week, his grand entrance wasn’t so grand. I was expecting some razzle-dazzle, like a Kensington Palace-branded t-shirt gun fired by Unky Harry. But all we got was Duchess Kate carrying a bundle of curtains with a sleeping Prince Louis inside, then later, a partially-awake Prince Louis. Obviously Prince Louis was saving the charm for the official portraits released after the show.
Prince Louis’ eyes aren’t closed because he’s going mimi times. They’re closed because the hideous sight of Duchess Kate’s Jessica McClintock circa 1984 puffy sleeves and the mutilated doves on her head is hurting his poor innocent eyes.
11 weeks after Prince Louis left the royal vagine and entered a luxurious world where he never has to worry about late-fees, parallel parking or pissing in the kitchen sink because his roommate has been in the bathroom forever, he has been christened. Prince Louis was christening at the Chapel Royal in St. James’s Palace in London today. Prince Louis isn’t even 3 months old and I already like him, and only because it was his first day at work as a British royal and he slept on the job. The only shit he has to give is the one he caca’d into his silk poopin’ bloomers.
It’s been about 13 days since the newest future The Crown character (he’ll be played by Sir Patrick Stewart in a onesie, and yes Sir Patrick Stewart will win an Emmy for it) exited out of Duchess Kate’s womb royale, and Kensington Palace has released two new pictures of him on Instagram and Twitter. Prince Louis is looking glazed in the eyes. Either Prince Hot Ginge is standing in front of him and he’s mesmerized by that glorious field of ginger magnificence, or he got high from the paint fumes as Auntie Pippa Middleton gave him a signature Middleton spray tan. That would explain why he’s looking red in the face.