So The Daily Mail is dragging Duchess Meghan today, because they say Our Pretty Little Royal Pony has decided to use her own lady gynecologist instead of old dude royal gynecologists that I guess every pregnant royal, including Duchess Kate, THE QUEEN and Anne Boleyn have used to yank the royal babies out of their royal vagines. And just like that, the Duchess Meghan Is Faking Her Pregnancy truthers got some more ammunition.
Last month we heard that 37-year-old Duchess Meghan used her wedding as an excuse to bully 36-year-old Duchess Kate to the point that she cried. People is reporting that they now have a source who is confirming that rich woman royals tears were shed during the nuptials, and not because it was such a beautiful ceremony. A family friend of the royals has confirmed to People that the Duchesses did indeed get into several elegant kerfuffles during the wedding process, saying they “clashed” leading up to the royal wedding in May.
Happy Birthday to the only star that might one day eclipse THE QUEEN! It’s her great-grandson, Prince George, who could probably cut the royal line to rule the UK and pretty much the world in the next few decades due to his powerful style and potent sass. This fashion-forward, effervescent tyke is living his best life as he grabs the world by the face with his mischevious grin and royal splendor. (Note the hand in pocket. It’s becoming his signature pose.)
Dad and Mum (Prince William and Duchess Kate) have released the prince’s official 5th birthday photo and he’s the definition of adorbs. Few can work a Peter Pan collar with such confidence. This here’s one of em’.
If you’re an Anglophile or a Royals stan (Britain not Kansas City), you watch The Crown and you’ve been witness to ALL the crazy drama, intrigues, decisions, scandal, and sacrifice that THE QUEEN (aka Queen Elizabeth II) has had to endure, withstand, and triumph over in her long career as HBIC: UK Edition. Plus, her husband seems like he can be a real dick sometimes. She puts up with a lot of shit! And we’re not even getting into what her kids, nieces, nephews, and grandkids got up to when they came of age. Hence, they have a big celebration at Buckingham Palace to honor her birthday. She’s 92 this year, and the parade in her honor is called Trooping the Colour. Basically, the British military puts on their butchest outfits, and marches/rides/flies jets by the palace to pay homage. The Queen responds by dutifully waving and counting the hours until she can get back to The Royal Recliner and continue to binge on The Great British Baking Show.
But this is probably the last year of the monarchy since Duchess Meghan wore an off-shoulder Carolina Herrera dress and her SCANDALOUS bare shoulders are going to destroy the crown!
I’m pretending this is the exact same “Oi, are you fooking kidding me?” look Duchess Kate shot into the sky when she found out The Queen wanted her to get her ass back to work. Yes I said sky; The Queen is omnipresent, like God or Santa, right?
Even though Duchess Kate gave birth to Baby Princess Charlotte a hot marmalade minute ago, OK says The Queen is already laying out a selection of jewel-tone coats and dresses that have already sold out from here to Uranus for her granddaughter-in-law, because it’s time to get back to waving, smiling, having nice hair, and waving. According to a “source“, The Queen wants Duchess Kate to make an appearance at her birthday parade on June 13th, and she thinks a month is a long enough maternity leave. Prince William has already gone back to work.
The last time Duchess Kate went on mat leave, she checked out for 39 days, so I’m sure The Queen has already gotten a crippling finger sprain from the amount of time she’s done that obnoxious “Time’s a ticking!” pointing-at-a-pretend-watch-on-your wrist hand motion. Gawd Duchess Kate, why are you being so lazy? Let Baby Prince George take care of his little sister, and get back to work! What’s that? You’re still sore from pushing out a spare? Suck it up buttercup, the corgis need a new ruby-studded dog ramp and that shit don’t come cheap.
By the way, if someone could explain to me how Royal ‘work’ works, that would be great, because I clearly have no idea.
As part of their never-ending campaign to make the peasants think that they’re just like them, Duchess Kate and Prince William released this picture of them looking like a wholesome, normal, everyday family who’s just hanging out in their everyday, normal house. Except their everyday, normal house is a damn palace, two of the people in this picture are future Head Moochers of England and it took 4 ladies-in-waiting 5 hours to get Duchess Kate Breck Girl beautiful by brushing her hair with silver combs and it took 4 men 3 hours to perfectly polish Prince William’s bald spot and creeping hairline. The Windsor genes have gone into overdrive on Prince William’s face, because his physical transformation into his daddy is over halfway complete.
But the real stars of this picture, which was taken by Jason Bell, are Baby Prince George and Lupo the dog. Lupo has a look of fear in his eye like he knows that he’s sitting before the future King of England who can have him sent to the gallows for shitting on the rug or pissing on that sharp as fuck christening gown. Lupo looks like someone’s giving him a surprise prostate exam. Wait, wait, where is Prince William’s other hand?!
This portrait is pretty basic and looks like some shit you’d see in a frame at CVS, but it could’ve easily been taken to fiery levels of YES with just one simple photo bomb:
Now THAT is a royal portrait.
Here’s PHG, Duchess Kate and Prince William wearing some boring ass royal clothes while going to the wedding one of their fancy friends today in Chippenham, England.