Even though Duchess Meghan wasn’t there to scream “move your bloomin’ ass” from the stands or make some other gauche faux pas like she did at Trooping The Colour, there was still plenty of excitement to be had at the opening day of the Royal Ascot horse race. The annual event which, according to People began in 1711, was attended by Her Royal Highness THE QUEEN, Duchess Kate, Prince William, Prince Charles, Duchess Camilla, Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice as well as those clog shuffling, french fry dipping, dyke plugging royals King Willem-Alexander and Queen Maxima of the Netherlands. In other words, every duke and earl and peer was there, everyone who should be there was there. And that folks, is your My Fair Lady deep cut for the day.
Seen above at Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan’s wedding last year, Prince Philip may have hatched a plan to save his grandson from marrying Meghan by interrupting the wedding, but then he went mimi times about 3 seconds in and later got distracted with opening some hardy candy. Because society journalist Sophia Money-Coutts (what a perfect name for a socialite) claims that the other PP told PHG to not marry Meghan. You might be thinking that Philip didn’t want Meghan to join the royal family because her 23andMe results wouldn’t come back as her being whiter than an albino dolphin’s bleached b-hole, but that’s crazy. We have always known Philip to be the King of Diversity and accepting of all people. Philip apparently didn’t want PHG to marry Meghan because he’s actressphobic.
Prince William and Duchess Kate are as close as we can get to a real-life version of The Heart Family. But as we all know, The Royal Heart Family recently experienced a dramatic cheating scandal when it was rumored that Prince William cheated with Duchess Kate’s best friend, The Marchioness of Cholmondeley, Rose Hanbury, who is married to the Marquess of Cholmondeley but has been photographed without her wedding ring on. Prince William’s lawyers got involved, saying it didn’t happen. Duchess Kate’s also got involved, saying any story about her icing out her best friend is a lie.
Regardless of what the truth is, Us Weekly claims that Duchess Kate hates that it’s all out there, and it’s really made things awkward.
It’s 7:00, Saturday morning. A phone buzzes on a nightstand. Prince Harry rolls over, picks up his phone, and reads the following text from his brother:
“Hi mate. I know you think I’m a bit of a wanker right now (the feeling is mutual, you ginger knob!), but but would you mind if I came over and hid out at your place for a while? I’d just…rather not be at my house when Kate reads the news this morning.”
That’s the fantasy I’ve cobbled together in my head, and I’m sure it’s no where near the truth. But at the very least, I’m still picturing some awkward slinking around the palace over the weekend. Because The Daily Mail reports that Rose Hanbury, Duchess Kate’s possibly-estranged best friend and Prince William’s alleged other woman, has been seen without her wedding ring on.
It’s been one month since Master Archie was pulled out of Duchess Meghan’s body and began his completely ordinary life of never hearing the words, “Sorry, it declined. Got another card?“, sipping gin-spiked juice from his great-grandmama THE QUEEN on his third birthday, wearing the finest Mary Janes money can buy, and getting to call Prince Hot Ginge daddy. Meghan was resting her swollen parts while on maternity leave, but pressed pause on that for a second to do her job of waving and smiling at her subjects in a parade. No, the parade wasn’t to celebrate Trump leaving the UK.
The parade was to celebrate THE QUEEN’S birthday. THE QUEEN turned 93 on April 21st, but since she’s THE FUCKING QUEEN (I think that’s her official title, honestly) she gets two birthdays, and today is Trooping The Colour, the official celebration of her born day. There’s a parade, an air show, and THE QUEEN “inspects” her troops. It’s a shame that I’ll probably be dead when Prince George does his “inspection” of his troops, because you know he’s going to be brutal and order the be-footing of troops whose shoes don’t tickle his corneas with their shininess.
“A Winking Camilla” sounds like something that Prince Charles would ask for on his anniversary. But I mean it literally. Donald Trump is currently in the UK for an official state visit, and even though he lives his life like he’s the most interesting, charismatic person in the room, yesterday that honor went to Duchess Camilla.