If you’ve ever been to a wedding with an open bar, you know that it’s bound to get messy. For instance, I’ve been to a wedding where the bride’s elderly aunt got so hammered on Long Island Iced Teas that she tried to take her top off in the middle of the dance floor to “Sex Bomb” and got all tangled up in her shirt like a tuna in a net before falling into the dessert table. But I’ve never been to a wedding where someone whipped out their dick. I clearly don’t get invited to the right kind of weddings.
But there are people out there who have been to a wedding where they saw two guest penises, and those two penises belonged to handsome DILFs Adam Scott and Paul Rudd. “I’d like to go back in time and find that wedding,” said everyone who gets the vapors for Adam Scott and Paul Rudd. According to Adam, who told the story during an appearance on Late Night with Seth Meyers on Wednesday night, he and Paul decided to pull out their dicks while filming a video message to the bride and groom. Unfortunately, the video was played at the reception, and the bride, the groom and Great Aunt Agnes all got an eyeful of dick.
Afterward, the groom told them they needed to get out, so they left, and didn’t return until the next morning, when they came back to apologize.
Everyone knows that the messiness that happens at a wedding is nothing compared to the next-level MESS that happens at a bachelor/bachelorette party, so I have no idea why nobody screened that video before it was played. If there’s anytime someone is going to get hammered and decide to whip out their dick or flash their cooch on camera, it’s during the bachelor/bachelorette party.
Just like Betty White, Mickey Rourke’s leather tits and Grumpy Cat’s grumpy face, Paul Rudd just keeps getting finer and hotter with age. Paul Rudd is that friend’s geeky older brother who used to fart in his own hand and smell them and talk about video games all the time (if you replaced “video games” with “House Hunters,” I think I just described myself), and when you see him 10 years later, he’s suddenly hot and you just want to give him a hand job in the bathroom while catching up.
Here he is struttin’ his ass in Cabo last Friday. I’d hit Object of My Affection-era Paul Rudd, so of course I’d hit this Paul Rudd. It even looks like Paul Rudd has one of those fur patches above his ass, so you’d have something to grab onto when he’s hitting it from the front.
Anderson Cooper’s talk show ends next summer and he’s dedicated to stuffing (wink wink) as many innuendos into his show as possible before it leaves TV screens forever. Case in point: The cast of This Is 40 was on and Paul Rudd was talking about his love of pickles while chomping on a pickle when a little tip of his pickle flew out of his mouth and came at The Silver Fox. Paul Rudd then said, “You just got tickled by a pickle.” To which The Silver Fox said, “Oooooh, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that.” You so silly, Andy! Like you’ve ever topped. Just kidding, I’m sure Anderson meant that literally, because you know he’s into some serious food kink like tickling his pieces with a Vlasdick.
Stacy Keibler was supposed to be glued to George Clooney’s arm at last night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, but I guess negotiations between their lawyers to extend her escort contract past awards season broke down, because the three things missing last night were her 50 foot-long legs and her plastered on fake smile. George came SANS an escort, but who needs a cocktail waitress or lady wrestler or Italian cokehead as a date when you’ve got Barbara Walters? Barbara was so excited to be squeezed up against George Clooney that her old lady juices overflowed up into her face and coagulated into a Juvederm-like substance. That isn’t plastic in Barbara’s cheeks. That’s an orgasm!
George mostly spent his night charming ladies, having intimate moments with wine bottles and showing us what he would do if he was ever left alone in a room with his second holemate (after Brad Pitt): Michael Fassbender’s peen.
And in case you missed it, here’s the White House Correspondents’ Dinner’s prom king, President Obama, doing some stand-up comedy shit at last night’s party (click here to see Jimmy Kimmel’s act):
And here’s even more pictures of even more hos at last night’s dinner: Babs,George, Michelle Obama, President Obama, Jimmy Kimmel, Reese Witherspoon, Elizabeth Banks, Paul Rudd, Sofia Vergara, Uggie with Diane Sawyer, Aziz Ansari and Callistabot with Newt. And if you’re thinking to yourself, “But Michael, was so and so there?” The answer is YES. YES, because everybody was fucking there. Everybody!
At last night’s premiere of Wanderlust at the Village Theater in Westwood, dozens of people finally had the answer to the question, “I wonder what it look like if a fugly pink prom gown from the 80s barfed all over one of Tootsie’s good dresses?” when Malin Akerman showed up wearing this mess. (In my best Tim Gunn voice) This is just TOO much dress.
If Malin cut those sleeves off (they kind of look like satin intestines) with Jennifer Aniston’s chin, she would’ve looked fine. Hell, if she cut off the dress and only wore the sleeves with those shoes, she would’ve looked fine too. That fugness looks even worse when Malin’s standing next to Jennifer Aniston. They look like they both got really good deals at the Big Business costume sale and they’re too happy about it. Here’s a fashion tip: If Bette Midler and/or Lily Tomlin would’ve worn it in Big Business, strip it off your body and try again. Trying to top Bette and Lily is an impossible act.
When Jennifer’s posing on her own, though, her dress doesn’t look that awful. It not the usual little black shit she wears and it’s drawing our eyes to her womb. If you stare at Jen’s magic eye dress long enough, you can almost see a fetus with a widow’s peak wearing an “Eff Off Maddox” onesie. So, well played, Aniston.
Here’s some other hos at last night’s premiere including Paul Rudd and Justin Theroux. Justin and Jennifer stayed away from each other on the red carpet, but at least she didn’t make his ass wait in the car this time.