Justin Bieber has been bothering us for so long that sometimes I forget he’s practically still a kid. It almost makes me feel bad for making fun of his juvenile naivety. But then he goes and writes a poem that begins with the line “Sunlight falls into the Abyss: Just like i fall into your lips”, and I have to laugh. Yes, he’s only 25 but he’s a married man and I’m a little worried he’s never actually kissed a girl before. Either that, or Hailey Baldwin‘s a soul eating demon whose lips are the mouth of a cavernous hellscape. Although, I suppose both could be true.
Buckle up, kiddos. Justin Bieber is pissed y’all have been taunting his marriage to Hailey Baldwin. Oh, and he has new music planned. Earlier this month, the Biebz asked us all to pray for him, which I thought was because he had spent an afternoon in the presence of Anna Wintour for that Vogue spread with Hailey. The asking for prayers was due to his mental health situation. But he took time to say there’s new music planned on the other side of his treatment. Also, he wouldn’t mind if people who pen Justin/Selena Gomez fanfiction lay off the Hailey bashing.
Justin Bieber ruins everything. Music. Canada. Fashion. Add another to the list: the environment. Just when you thought there was nothing else Justin’s man-boy hands could touch and turn to shit, he finds a way to get in there and swirl it up. It’s being reported that Justin is sort-of responsible for the closure of a popular Icelandic hotspot due to the tourism there going up drastically all because Justin used it as the backdrop of a music video. I wonder why when rappers film their videos in the hood, tourism doesn’t go up in those locations?
Justin Bieber needs your thoughts and prayers, but mostly just your prayers, because what good are thoughts if they’re not #blessed? Justin’s not doing so great lately, despite having recently become a happily married man. On Instagram, Justin posted that he’s been “struggling a lot” and “just feeling super disconnected and weird”, which I think a lot of us just call “M-F and Most Weekends”. But who is Justin Bieber if he’s not having a spiritual crisis? Just an extraordinarily wealthy young dude with an unfortunate haircut, I’m afraid. So for Justin, the only way to weather this storm is through vigorous piety and prayer. And the way you can tell how good you are at it, is by how hard you squeeze your eyes shut.
No offense to Us Weekly. Their covers are better.
There’s been many rumors about how Conde Nast is looking to push out the Dark High Priestess of Fashion Anna Wintour, but they have always denied that shit. But I wouldn’t label you as a dirty lie-teller if you told me that the rumors are true, and Anna Wintour knows her days of terrorizing Vogue are coming to an end, which is why she’s burning that bitch to the ground by turning it into a third-tier tabloid. See: Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin Bieber on March’s cover looking liked a bored dead-inside rich Central Florida housewife humping on her just-released-from-juvi teenage pool boy lover. Honestly, it would be more interesting and edgy if Anna gave the cover of Vogue to an actual bored dead-inside rich Central Florida housewife and her just-released-from-juvi teenage pool boy lover.
I wonder how many people on set had to resist the urge to pluck those pills off of Hailey’s dress, because they needed something to make them forget these two are going to be on the cover of Vogue?
When I saw those cheap dollar store slippers Justin Bieber teased his fans with last month, I knew his upcoming clothing line was going to be a visual piece of art that would invoke class and sophistication. And, sarcasm. I knew his clothing line was going to keep my eyes on a continuous loop of rolling because I expected it to be horrible and it actually turned out worse.