Remember when 76-year-old Calvin Klein decided to finally step out with a rented piece of man meat who was 48 years younger than him? Some army guy turned-model turned-side piece? Well, add another ‘turned’ because he has now turned-alleged-criminal Nick Gruber, one-time slam piece of Calvin, has been charged in Manhattan for beating a man with a frying pan.
It was very nice of Betsey Johnson to remove her name from the nominees list, and therefore give people like Beyonce a fighting chance at taking home the CFDA’s Fashion Icon award. I’m assuming that’s what happened. Betsey Johnson has always been my favorite fashion weirdo. Even when I was very little and my knowledge of fashion was limited to skorts and whatever the look is called when you loop the bottom of a t-shirt through the neck hole, I knew that she was the definition of effortless, carefree WTF style. Effortless, because she always looks like she put in zero effort. Carefree, because I’m sure she’s free of cares when it comes to what anybody thinks about her. And WTF, because I still cannot figure out what the fuck is going on with those glue-in hair extension.
Betsey brought her carefree WTF style to the CFDA Awards last night. Betsey Johnson gave everyone “getting-her-groove-back grandma” mixed with Janice the Muppet and a side of boxed wine buzz. She’s on vacation from all her worries and troubles and the collection agency that won’t stop calling and demanding payment for that pesky overdue TJ Maxx credit card bill, and she doesn’t care who knows it! Betsey looks like she’s about to climb over the bar at her all-inclusive Mexican resort, grab a bottle of rum and a handful of limes, and smoker-bark over to her friends Buffy, Bambi, and Binky: “See you in the pool!” I want to be this version of Betsey Johnson when I grow up.
Of course, there always has to be a runner-up in the Pageant of Life, and I choose to give that honor to Selma Blair.
Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!
The two lab creations, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, are the ultimate goal for all the poor, unfortunate, empty headed youngins’ out there who stare into the Instagram abyss and long to be… FAMOUS. So naturally, companies are snatching them up left, right and center to plug their shit. Kendall is the Fashion Barbie of the two, so she’s got the magazines and billboards, like Calvin Klein. But Calvin Klein, the man, is not interested or impressed by her or the ads.
Justin Bieber And Calvin Klein Really Want You To Believe He Wasn’t Photoshopped To Death In Those CK Ads
The jubilant sound of HAHAHAHAHAHAs filled the air yesterday as an alleged unretouched photo from Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein sexy toddler training pants campaign leaked onto the internet and we all got to see just how much Photoshop it takes to turn a bratty preteen ferret into a buff bratty preteen ferret. However, one person was not laughing, and that somebody was the bratty ferret himself, Justin Bieber.
According to TMZ, Justin’s team (who I like to imagine is just his loser dad texting from a pile of Molson empties beside the pool) has threatened to sue the website that released the pre-Photoshop photo, BreatheHeavy.com, for defamation unless they remove the picture. They claim the pic of his teeny weeny peeny is fake and “damaging” his brand. Rugrat, please – your brand is so damaged, you could find it in the As Is section of IKEA.
Calvin Klein has also come to his defense by Tweeting the above not-shopped picture of Justin stripped down to his naptime shorts at Fashion Rocks in September. Notice how they chose a picture where you can’t make out his crotch area? I see you Calvin Klein.
Even though he’s about 2 bad investments away from an appearance on Dancing with the Canadian Stars, Justin Bieber currently still has the kind of money that could sue your ass into the ground, so it should come as no surprise that BreatheHeavy.com yanked the pic and issued an apology. They also say that Justin Bieber’s trainer Patrick Nilsson can confirm that the Justin does, in fact, have junk in the front trunk:
“I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy. I sound weird saying that, but yes.”
Somewhere in a random beige kitchen, Chris Hansen just pushed out a chair for Patrick. And it’s not just Justin’s bulge that needs defending; Calvin Klein has also told UsWeekly that he was a perfect gentleman on set who totally didn’t hit on model Lara Stone like a horny teenager the second his balls dropped. Well, that one I do believe. If sex ed has taught me anything, it’s that you have to have hit puberty first before you start getting the hornies.
Almost six months ago, twink model turned Calvin Klein’s leased piece, Nick Gruber, was out of rehab, got himself a new sugar daddy in California and was trying to sell a tell-all about his life with CK. Well, either nobody bought that tell-all and Nick wants to drive around in a $250,000 Bentley again or CK is stopping him from writing that tell-all by putting him back on payroll, because the two are back together again. True love (and the need to keep your face full of Botox) always prevails!
Page Six says that 23-year-old Nick dropped his California sugar daddy and is licking Calvin Klein’s plastic pork chops cheeks (you decide which cheeks) once again. Nick, who has dropped his plans to sell a tell-all, is spending some time with CK at an EXLUSIVO resort in Mexico. The source said:
“Calvin feels very protective over him. Despite all that has happened, and everything he’s done, he still loves Nick.
Nick and Calvin had been texting and met up at the Chateau Marmont [in Los Angeles] about a month ago. Nick and John (his CA sugar daddy) broke up around February, but remained friends. John actually encouraged Nick to get back with Calvin. He thinks it would be helpful for him.”
A rep for CK says that they are friends and only friends.
Oh, I’m sure Nick will write that tell-all once Calvin Klein trades him in for a younger, shinier and twinkier piece. Nick can call that tell-all Behind the Cheek Implants and they can turn it into a premium cable movie. A shellacked Twinkie with veneers will play Nick, one of the preserved human bodies from BODIES: THE EXHIBITION will play Calvin Klein and Rob Lowe can reprise his role as Dr. Startz. I don’t know if the late Dr. Startz ever did face work on CK, but CK does look like he’s used Liberace’s plastic surgeon at one point or another.