SNL Opened Last Night’s Show With A Tribute To Paris

Even though my brain was still cursing my ass out for making it watch soggy Ritz cracker Donald Trump struggle to read off cue cards last week, I watched Saturday Night Live last night. Mostly because I was hoping they’d open with a sketch showing that last week’s show was just an elaborate 90-minute long prank pulled by Gilly. Instead, they kept it classy by scrapping their usual cold open and replacing it with Cecily Strong acknowledging Friday’s events in Paris. It’s short and sweet and she even does the second half in French, which is pretty impressive (well, to me, at least – but that’s because I can barely order a cheeseburger in French without going “Um…uh…le…um…“). She must have gotten a few pronunciation lessons from Jean K. Jean or something.

They still did a whole show, of course, and I’ve thrown two of the funnier sketches after the cut.

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Everybody Looked Absolutely Thrilled To Be At Kanye West’s Fashion Show

It says everything when soulless grand dame of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, would rather pay attention to a human child than pay attention to the ~fashuns~ in front of her. To Anna Wintour, North West is like a cat at a boring party. She’s so happy that child is there to distract her from the dumb, boring shit going on around her. Mark this day as the first day in history when Anna Wintour is happy to see a child she isn’t about to suck the life out of.

Kanye West wasn’t supposed to butt squirt out his latest collection of overpriced post-apocalyptic rags for Adidas during New York Fashion Week, but since his throbbing pus-filled ego will deflate if he doesn’t take every opportunity to get as much attention as possible, he decided at the last-minute to do a show. Two designers who were scheduled to show at the same time Kanye suddenly decided to show weren’t happy, because they knew he would overshadow them. One designer decided to show anyway and the other rescheduled.

I don’t know why those designers are bitching. They need to shut the hell up and be thankful that his highness Kanye allowed them to show at Fashion Week in the first place. I mean, New York Fashion Week may as well be called New York Kanye Week since Kanye IS Fashion. Besides, I doubt those designers’ collections are as innovative, forward and avant-garde as what Kanye queefed out. And of course I mean the opposite of that since this year’s collection was as bland and basic as last year’s.

Today adidas long term partner @kanyewest presented a collection as a designer in his own right. Congrats, Mr. West! pic.twitter.com/MRPM7vMlul

— adidas (@adidas) September 16, 2015

They all look like sad used condoms.

Kanye’s kollection for Adidas is perfect for rich bitches who want to waste a lot of money to look like a malnourished desert hobo on the planet Tatooine or like a Walking Dead zombie who teaches aerobics. But what do I know about fasihon? How can I judge Kanye’s genius designs when I’m sitting here wearing a droopy tank top and baggy beige sweatshorts. Oh, wait…

Pics: Splash, Instagram

Taylor Swift Will Write “Bad Blood II: Badder Blood” In 3..2..

“Oooooh, you bitches are so dead” is probably what all the 9th graders said as Lorde and Ellie Goulding nervously shuffled through the cafeteria with green trays in hand toward Taylor Swift who told them that they can’t sit with her and they better go and sit with the other losers at the round orange table in the corner. Lorde and Ellie Goulding dun goofed.

Since Tay Tay is a bitchy 15-year-old girl trapped in the body of a vintage Barbie doll, she wrote that Bad Blood (working title: Period Cramps) song about how Katy Perry stole one of her back-up dancers or some shit. I heard that Tay Tay also got revenge by carving the words “Katy Perry Iz A Cum Guzzling Skankosaur“ into a stall in the girl’s locker room bathroom and also told everyone that Katy Perry took a dump once and didn’t wash her hands afterward. Eww! A million members of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad are in the Bad Blood video including Ellie Goulding. (Side note: A piece of me dies inside whenever I type “Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad” and that’s surprising since I thought I was completely dead inside.)

But well, over the weekend, Ellie Goulding and another member of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad, Lorde, showed their traitor asses when they hung out and took a picture with that dancer-stealing hose beast tramp skeeza whore Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson! Lorde’s mom and Ellie Goulding both Instagrammed the above picture. In case you couldn’t tell since she doesn’t look like Emily the Strange’s stranger cousin who lives in a tree trunk in the dark part of the forest, Lorde is in the red dress in the middle. Ellie Goulding is the blonde getting strangled on the right and Katy Perry’s head is floating next to Lorde.

Ellie Goulding later deleted the picture from her Instagram and I’m guessing that had something to do with Taylor texting her with this:

That’s Emoji for: “Bitch, you dead and tell Lorde that she looks like shit as the Salsa Dancer Emoji.”

Taylor is totally going to get those traitor bitches for this. She’ll put them on clean-up crew after her Easy Bake Oven cupcake parties. Or maybe that picture proves that this Katy vs. Taylor feud is made up by their publicists and tween gossiping girls trapped in the bodies of 30-something gay bloggers are falling for it. No, that can’t be it.

Here’s Katy’s arch rival with Girl Squad members (there goes a piece of me into a coffin) Gigi Hadid and Martha Hunt in NYC this past weekend.

Pics: Splash, Instagram

Behold, The Olsen Twins Surveying Their Kingdom

I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:

“So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.”

“I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.”

The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.

Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.

And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).

Pics: Splash/INF, Wenn.com

Bad Influence Taylor Swift Fed Booze To Her 18-Year-Old Friend Lorde At A Golden Globes Afterparty

It turns out Taylor Swift’s bathroom cry fest freakout wasn’t the most middle school-y thing to happen to Taylor Swift after the Golden Globes on Sunday night. According to Star magazine, Taylor went from heartbroken prom queen to class-skipping bad influence popular girl by peer pressuring her 18-year-old high school friend Lorde to get her drink on at a Golden Globes afterparty.

A source says Taylor was drinking a rum and coke, but decided to switch to wine, at which point the source says she started “feeding her rum and coke to Lorde.” Tay Tay apparently told Lorde she didn’t have to drink if she didn’t want to, but reassured her that “rum is so good!” Lorde then took a sip, liked it, and ordered a rum and coke for herself. “And if you like that” Taylor’s bad ass alter-ego Tylor said “then I bet you’ll also love cigarettes. Look, I snuck two from my mom’s purse. Let’s smoke them!”

Taylor also apparently made the classic middle school mistake of drinking on an empty stomach. The source added that Tay Tay didn’t eat anything, and when a server brought In-N-Out to her table, she just picked at it. EXCUSE ME? She just picked at it? She must not have been drinking as much as we thought, because no drunk can resist the siren song of a greasy In-N-Out cheeseburger.

And to add another melodramatic chapter to the YA novel that is her life, Taylor followed up her messy Golden Globes night with an awkward run-in with Harry Styles on Wednesday night at the birthday party for King of Leon singer Caleb Followill. OMG poor Tay Tay! What’s next, finding out she’s also been cut from the volleyball team?

Speaking of middle school, here’s Tay Tay looking like a homeschooled girl named Teighlor as she makes her way to a ballet class in Beverly Hills yesterday:

Pics: Splash

Taylor Swift Might Have Had A Cry-Filled Breakdown Over Jake Gyllenhaal At A Golden Globes Afterparty

Which would make Lorde that friend who strokes her hair while saying “No girl, stop your tears – he ain’t worth it!!!“, I guess?

Even though Taylor Swift has been on a bit of a girl power I-ain’t-need-no-man kick recently, it sounds like she’s still a fragile ball of boy-crazy 13-year-old girl emotions. According to UsWeekly (via Lainey Gossip), the real life Stacey McGill found herself at the same Golden Globes afterparty at the Chateau Marmont on Sunday night with Jake Gyllenhaal, and it got all kinds of dramatic.

A source says that sometime around 2am, Tay Tay was seen freaking out on the dance floor and telling a friend “We have to go, we have to go.” Also on the dance floor? Jakey G, who was busting a move with famous dick enthusiast Rita Ora. The source says Tay Tay ran to the bathroom with a bunch of her friends, including Cara Delevingne, to have a meltdown, and emerged a while later with her eye makeup smudged to hell and pacing around the lobby. Eventually she moved it outside, where she was seen sitting on a bench with Cara’s arm around her.

However, Detective La Lainey has noticed that UsWeekly seems to have updated their original story, and it’s now 100% less like a melodramatic middle school semi-formal. UsWeekly is now saying that several sources claim Tay Tay was totally cool running into Jake. In fact, said “sources” say they saw Tay Tay run up to Jake and give him a big hug, adding that they were smiling and chatting and braiding each others hair and shit.

Hmmm…who to believe, who to believe. The first “source” who says Tay Tay was a blubbering butterscotch mess, or the second “source” who says she was totally cool and whatever about the whole situation? I’m going with the first, but only because the microchip in Taylor’s living doll brain is permanently set to 1960s Teenage Girl, so it would make sense that the second her eyes saw Judy and Johhny Jakey and Rita Ora, she’d get all “It’s My Party” and start crying. She can’t help it, really.

Here’s more of Tay Tay arriving to the InStyle/WB Golden Globes afterparty with her BFF Lorde, the Haim girls, and the 35-year-old woman who hangs out with them, Jaime King:

Pics: Splash