It Wouldn’t Be The Met Gala Without Madge Showing Her Ass, So Madge Showed Her Ass

“Why didn’t you design something like this for meeeeeee” is probably what Kanye West is going to whine into Riccardo Tisci’s ear tonight, because Riccardo Tisci designed this ass-less extravaganza for Madonna.

Anna Wintour would have had to throw another Met Gala tomorrow if Madge didn’t show up with her 57-year-old nalgitas and tits hanging out. Because it isn’t a Mess Gala until everyone’s eyes have eaten several servings of her butt dumplings. Madge’s ensemble was apparently made by Givenchy but it looks more like something from the Stevie Nicks collection for Frederick’s of Hollywood or a costume from a Games of Thrones porn parody. Never mind that fillers have warped Madge’s face into “Harpo, who dis woman?” territory, what really bothers me about her ensemble is that it doesn’t go with the damn theme. The theme is supposed to be technology and future, not medieval ho-wear or Illuminati sex dungeon mistress! Madge disappointed me by not showing up in nothing but a fiber optic thong and holographic nipple cozies.

And well, if Rocco Ritchie or any of Madge’s kids ever want to get some free crack, it’ll be pretty easy. All they have to do is go up to a dealer and say, “Can I get some crack?” When the dealer says, “Kid, you’re way too young for the bad shit,” they just have to show these pictures and say, “My mom wore this wreck to the Met Gala.” BOOM! The dealer will hand over their entire supply and it’ll be on the house.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Getty

Everybody Looked Absolutely Thrilled To Be At Kanye West’s Fashion Show

It says everything when soulless grand dame of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, would rather pay attention to a human child than pay attention to the ~fashuns~ in front of her. To Anna Wintour, North West is like a cat at a boring party. She’s so happy that child is there to distract her from the dumb, boring shit going on around her. Mark this day as the first day in history when Anna Wintour is happy to see a child she isn’t about to suck the life out of.

Kanye West wasn’t supposed to butt squirt out his latest collection of overpriced post-apocalyptic rags for Adidas during New York Fashion Week, but since his throbbing pus-filled ego will deflate if he doesn’t take every opportunity to get as much attention as possible, he decided at the last-minute to do a show. Two designers who were scheduled to show at the same time Kanye suddenly decided to show weren’t happy, because they knew he would overshadow them. One designer decided to show anyway and the other rescheduled.

I don’t know why those designers are bitching. They need to shut the hell up and be thankful that his highness Kanye allowed them to show at Fashion Week in the first place. I mean, New York Fashion Week may as well be called New York Kanye Week since Kanye IS Fashion. Besides, I doubt those designers’ collections are as innovative, forward and avant-garde as what Kanye queefed out. And of course I mean the opposite of that since this year’s collection was as bland and basic as last year’s.

Today adidas long term partner @kanyewest presented a collection as a designer in his own right. Congrats, Mr. West! pic.twitter.com/MRPM7vMlul

— adidas (@adidas) September 16, 2015

They all look like sad used condoms.

Kanye’s kollection for Adidas is perfect for rich bitches who want to waste a lot of money to look like a malnourished desert hobo on the planet Tatooine or like a Walking Dead zombie who teaches aerobics. But what do I know about fasihon? How can I judge Kanye’s genius designs when I’m sitting here wearing a droopy tank top and baggy beige sweatshorts. Oh, wait…

Pics: Splash, Instagram

Julia Roberts Is Hustling For Givenchy Now

Stop whatever you’re doing, because this is all kinds of important: for the first time in recent memory, Riccardo Tisci didn’t chose someone who fell out of Pimp Mama Kris’ krotch as the face of Givenchy. I wonder why? Maybe Riccardo is punishing his boo Kanye West for something (“Did you let your wife wear my leather leggings? THEN WHY IS THE ASS ALL STRETCHED OUT???“).

Riccardo revealed today that the face of Givenchy SS15 is Julia Roberts, seen above wearing some kind of goth-lite ladies of The Lawrence Welk Show couture. Riccardo tells Style.com that Julia was shot by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott (who also shot Madonna’s recent black and white campaign for Versace), and they decided to shoot her SANS FARDS and SANS HAIR CREW. Oh, big mistake. Big. Huge! Just because she went along with it, doesn’t mean she wasn’t totally cursing everyone out in her head and making a mental note to add the names Riccardo Tisci, Mert Alas, and Marcus Piggott to her shit list when she gets home. You can see it in her face – she got them oh here go hell come eyes.

Regardless, Julia Roberts looks good (Angie Jolie-level cheekbones and all), and I’m not sure if it’s because she knows her 47-year-old mom ass beat out a bunch of 19-year-old model types for the job or she’s just happy to get some free clothes, but whatever it is, it’s working. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to upload this picture into my Lil’ Horatio CSI Inspection Kit and figure out what the hell is going on with Julia’s right eyebrow. For real, that thing is like 8 inches long.

Pics: Riccardo Tisci

“Are You There God? It’s Me, North West. Please Rescue Me From These Pieces Of Trash!”

As a look of pride covered Pimp Mama Kris’ face and she thought to herself, “Awww, my little whore is a pimp like me now,” junior pimp Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West dragged their baby North West to another fashion show in Paris for the second time in 4 days. Pimp Mama Kim dressed up her newest fashion accessory in a black sheer Givenchy shirt and made that poor child sit front row with her and Kanye at Riccardo Tisci’s show for Givenchy today.  I know North is always making the same pained face you make when we crap up another Kardashian post on Dlisted, but she really looks like she’d rather be doing ANYTHING else besides sitting on the lap of the strange lady who pays her nanny while at some dumb fashion show. (Examples of things North would rather be doing: warthog hunting with Tia Khloezilla, watching the drool on the corner of Auntie Kourtney’s mouth dry and trying on new shades of lip gloss at the MAC counter with Pepaw Bruce. North West would rather be watching an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians than be at that show. That’s how much she doesn’t want to be at that show.)

While Kim was done up like the corpse of a bottom-level gothic hooker, she gave her full attention to her true love, the cameras, as North screamed, “ayúdame,” with her face. Kanye didn’t even try to soothe North West’s nerves, because if he picked her up, she might barf on him and baby barf didn’t go with his outfit. Kanye was not going to let baby barf jack up his sexy.

And behind Kim in that picture above, Riccardo is totally using his finger to spell out the note, “Your titties look extra scrumptious tonight, boo,” on Kanye’s palm.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

Beyoncé Lets Sasha Fierce Ride The Camel

Ugh, surfbort. Beyoncé shot some pics and co-wrote a poem about her favorite subject (herself) for CR Fashion Book. Beyhivers, please copy down this latest missive from on high onto your sacred scrolls with your gold-tipped feather pens. This the word of your Lord (when Oprah’s off that day), thanks Bey to God.

In “Bey The Light” (words by Beyonce, “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander – whatever the eff that means), Beyonce spills intimate details about her life with the not-fake husband (?) and the baby. Did you know she has to channel Sasha Fierce when she gets on that hump?

I learned at a very young age,
when I need to tap some extra strength,
to put my persona, Sasha, on stage.

Though we’re different as blue and red,
I’m not afraid to draw from her
in performance, rifts, and even in bed

There’s a lot more were that came from, but what’s really interesting is the confirmation that Kanye West definitely hates her. Because his down-low dude Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot. Which means not only did he cover her face up in one pic (how Bey allowed someone to cover up her extra-worldly glory for even a minute we’ll never know), but he had her wear stretch pants and wrestle with a giant, exploded Mickey Mouse doll (?) in another. What the hell? I understand the concept of not ready-to-wear but you’d look really silly trying to enter establishments in that. You’d get stuck and they’d have to call the fire department.

That sound you hear is Tisci and Kanye tee-hee-heeing over her dumb ass. You know Riccardo got an extra tug or two for a job well done.

Check out more pics of Beyoncé’s photoshoot for CR Fashion Book below.

Behold, Lucifer’s New Favorite (Sh)It Couple!

I should’ve warned you in the headline to protect your monitor with Saran Wrap before lowering your innocent eyeballs to that picture, because most of your screen is probably covered with bile. Although, your bile is a lot more attractive than that picture of Satan’s proudest creations. Seen above looking like Hell’s answer to Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi, the ball of crusted milk stuck in humanity’s nipple slit known as Justin Bieber and Pimp Mama Kris joined unholy forces to take this picture at the birthday part of Kanye West’s boo Riccardo Tisci in Ibiza last night. The Biebs really wanted to push your hangover over the edge and into a pool of boiling barf by adding the note: “@kendalljenner @kyliejenner who’s your daddy.” The thought of the Biebs creating a dusty cloud of death dust by humping on PMK is enough to make your brain melt and drip out of your ears, but maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing. Because PMK’s succubus snatch would swallow that bitch whole and after the dark orb in her body sucked out all of his youth and fame, she’d spit him out of her asshole and he’d be nothing but a wrinkled shell of a human (like Bruce Jenner, basically).

Ibiza became Hell on EARTH last night when PMK, the Biebs, Kim Kartrashian, Kanye West and Kendull Jenner all gathered together for Riccardo Tisci’s birthday. If you’re like me and wondering where Orlando Bloom’s flying fist was when we needed it most, apparently, Justin Bieber is the King Joffrey of Ibiza, because he got that ho banned from Riccardo’s party. Page Six says that Orlando Bloom tried to get in, but Justin Bieber whined to the party’s “organizers” and told them to block that ho. The Biebs probably threatened to cry if the organizers let that big, bad Orlando in and the organizers did what he said, because nobody likes a crying baby.

And after the party, Kim Instagramm’d this picture of her terrifying Billy the Puppet whore face in front of a sleeping Gay Fish with the note: “Side chicks be like….”

We’ve all given Kim shit for her crappy Photoshop skills, but she’s obviously gotten a lot better. I mean, she completely erased a naked Riccardo Tisci from Kanye’s side and you can’t even tell. That looks like the original picture. Good job, Kummy Cakes!

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com, Splash