If in the future, Blue Bell protects their creamy deliciousness with one of those annoying plastic security bands of frustration, causing you to break a toof as you try to rip it open with your mouth in the middle of the night because you can’t be bothered with scissors and need that goodness now, blame this SUCIO menace! I mean, there’s definitely a market for saliva-laced ice cream, so she’s not only a dum dum for not getting paid for something some freak would definitely pay for, but she’s also a dum dum for showing the world her crime against humanity, hygiene, and more importantly ICE CREAM!
One Of Lori Loughlin’s Daughters May Be Under Criminal Investigation For Her Role In Operation Varsity Blues
One of Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli‘s precious angels has received a spidergram, which is basically the scariest piece of mail you can imagine. It’s usually a spider hiding in your mailbox wearing a top-hat and holding out a silver tray that holds an envelope containing your STD test results. But in this case it’s a “target letter” from the Department of Justice informing them that they’re under investigation. According to The Daily Mail, it’s unclear which daughter got the spidergram, but both Olivia Jade and Isabella Rose are probably sleeping with one eye open.
Joe Biden isn’t the only dude who is getting tarred and feathered for kissing a woman without permission (and Joe’s a repeat offender). Actor Omari Hardwick from Power better put on a suit of armor and an industrial-strength beekeeper hat and veil because he’s going to have to answer to the Beyvengers (made up of the Beyhive and Solange in her elevator whoopin’ shoes) for making their Beysus uncomfortable by kissing on her face twice. Beyonce’s gonna have to get a team of beydyguards to guard her cheek at all times. First Sanaa Lathan tried to Cape Fear her cheek off and now Omari Hardwick is putting his lips on it twice.
It was just a few short weeks ago that Wendy Williams channeled the ghost of Charlton Heston and told us somebody’d have to pry her wedding ring from her cold dead hands. Well, I guess Hell done froze over because even though she said we’d never see her without her wedding ring on “in this lifetime”, Wendy was spotted leaving her sober house about 20 lbs of diamonds lighter. Maybe she had to hock it on Diamonds4Diapers.com to pay for her husband Kevin Hunter‘s rumored new baby.
Up until a few days ago, I thought we only had a handful of weeks of hearing about the pregnancy of the only woman who has ever been pregnant in the history of women being pregnant. But it turns out that we’ve got a handful of MONTHS before the arrival of the luckiest human who will never have to see the word “late fee” on a bill and gets to call Prince Hot Ginge “daddy” and mean it. Though, there’s one woman who doesn’t have to hear every little detail about Meghan’s pregnancy down to what her pregnancy farts smell like (SPOILER ALERT: like the tears of Samantha Markle, the sweat of the servants she HEARTLESSLY overworks, gold, and a splash of ginger), and that’s because there’s no WiFi or satellite reception in the dungeon the woman was sent to for calling Meghan FAT!
Prepare For The Wrath Of The Swifties And The Beyhive: Taylor Swift And Beyonce Were Shut Out Of The Major Grammy Categories
Every single Grammy voter better arm themselves with RAID Beyhive spray (yes, they make that) and Katy Purry Purrfume (a cat dies every time I type that), because their Gods, Taylor Swift and Beyonce, were denied a nomination in the major categories. The Grammy nominations were announced this morning, and while Tay Tay and Bey Bey were thrown some nominations (aka PITY NOMS!), they didn’t make it into Album of the Year, Record of the Year or Song of the Year. They also didn’t make the Best New Artist cut, and no, they’re far from new, but I’m sure their fans are screaming, “They reinvent themselves with each album they do so they’re a new artist each time!!!!”
Meanwhile, Post Malone, who I’m convinced is a Shia LaBeouf performance art piece based on his favorite Garbage Pail Kid, got nominations for AOTY and ROTY. The Beyhive better not even try to come for Post Malone, because the mutated gnats always buzzing around him will bite off their heads. They’ve been warned.