Lorde Is Really Sorry For Comparing Her Friendship With Famous People To Autoimmune Diseases

Diseases are getting dragged this week. First, Hanson compared Chlamydia to Justin Bieber’s voice, and now Lorde is saying that being friends with Taylor Swift is like being friends with someone with an autoimmune disease. Hanson has yet to burp up a sorry for shitting on Chlamydia like that, but Lorde has apologized, and probably because she realized that someone with a disease like Lupus already has enough to deal with and they don’t need to be compared to the exhaustive snake in Skipper’s clothing.

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Taylor Swift Voted

It felt like every celebrity and their semi-famous dog had let everyone know what side they were on during this election. You had people dressing up as their favorite candidate for Halloween and gingers fighting on Twitter for candidate supremacy and Malcolm’s Dad threatening to move to Canada if Trump wins and Third Eye Blind trolling the RNC. Lots of people had feelings. One person who kept their lips sealed was Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift never said if she was “with her.” She also never endorsed Donald Trump, and I’m sure that really hurt his feelings, because she looks like what he would choose if he could replace Tiffany.

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Taylor Swift Inducted Some New Members Into Her Squad Last Night

Taylor Swift doesn’t currently have a boyfriend in her life, which means she’s got a whole lot more time for her girl squad until the next one comes around. Last night, the most popular slice of Wonder Bread in the bag went to a private Kings of Leon concert in NYC with longtime squad members Lorde, Martha Hunt, Lily Donaldson, and Cara Delevingne. And she also brought out her new recruits.

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Like Lady Gaga Would Really Get Married On The Shush

Lady Gaga’s birthday is today and she celebrated the anniversary of her 30th year alive this past weekend by throwing herself a big party in L.A. that brought out bright shining A-list stars like Lisa Vanderpump, Asslee Simpson, Evan Ross and Lisa Rinna and low-rent has-beens like Taylor Swift and Kate Hudson. While working a painted-up face that screamed Clown School Carol Channing, CaCa strolled into her birthday party with her man Taylor Kinney, and everybody should’ve been screaming for the police since she obviously stole a dress out of the closet of Bette Midler’s Big Business character. But people weren’t doing that, because they were too busy staring at what looked like a wedding band on her finger.

When that hot piece of panty cream-inducing hotness Taylor Kinney and CaCa got engaged two Februaries ago, he gave her a heart-shaped diamond engagement ring. On Saturday night, she switched out that Mariah Carey kidney stone-looking ass ring for a plain gold band. So some think that Taylor Kinney is now officially Lord CaCa, because they got secret married.

I don’t know…..

If Lady CaCa gets married in a ceremony that isn’t televised to this planet and others, and doesn’t feature a wedding dress made out of live white doves, vows done entirely in a language created just for them, a 15-hour-long performance art piece by Marina Abramović and a first dance where little people dressed up as cherubs barf glitter-infused metallic paint on them, did Lady CaCa really get married at all? I think not!

Pics: Splash

So, I Guess Lorde Didn’t Get Kicked Out Of Taylor Swift’s Squad For Hanging Out With Diplo

Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.

But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.

While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!

It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.

And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Lorde >>> Lady Gaga, So Thinks David Bowie’s Son

Don’t let that screen shot fool you. That’s not a still from Kylie Jenner’s performance art video about being trapped in Pimp Mama Kris’ Satanic womb. It’s just Lorde performing in a sea of darkroom safe lights at the BRIT Awards last night. It also kind of looks like she’s a prisoner in a Pizza Hut red cup. But I digress…

After Lady CaCa splattered up her weird “Intel commercial on acid” meets “something you’d see at a Burning Man talent show” David Bowie tribute at the Grammys, his son, Duncan Jones, tweeted his review of her homage to herself. Duncan Jones tweeted the exact Google definition of “gaga.” Dude pretty much hated it:

"overexcited or irrational, typically as a result of infatuation or excessive enthusiasm; mentally confused." Damn it! What IS that word!?

— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) February 16, 2016

Surprisingly, Duncan Jones’ eyeballs didn’t melt into his sockets while reading the tweets from crazed Little Monsters who wished ass AIDS on his dog. Duncan Jones is still able to see, because he watched the BRIT Awards tribute to his father done by David Bowie’s former touring band and the Hot Topic chanteuse we call Lorde. At last night’s BRITs, Annie Lennox and Panty Creamer Gary Oldman told a funny story about David Bowie before introducing Bowie’s former touring band and the Tim Burton Kewpie doll who yodeled out “Life On Mars” while dressed like a theater usher.

Duncan Jones tweeted this after that performance:

Finally found the links to tonight's Brits. Just… beautiful. Thank you.

— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) February 25, 2016

I co-sign that, but with that being said, we’re going to forget about Gaga’s and Lorde’s tributes on Sunday night. At the Oscars, Tilda Swinton is going to sashay onto the stage and reveal herself as a David Bowie clone by ripping off her face mask. Then she’s going to beam herself up to their home planet of Mars to join her overlord, the Goblin King. That’s probably going to happen.

And here’s Lorde “canoodling” with Taylor Swift hater Diplo while going to Justin Bieber’s BRIT Awards after-party.

Pics: Wenn.com