That Taylor Swift Video That Stars Every Chick Alive Is Finally Out

During the past couple of weeks or so, Taylor Swift has pussy burped up poster after poster after poster of all the “characters” in her video for her song Bad Blood (working title: Die Katy Perry Die). It felt like there were approximately 10,999 posters and I thought that I would die of old age before the last one was released. Well, she finally released them all and the video was finally shown at the beginning of the Billboard Music Awards tonight. Since everybody and their back-up dealer was in it, I figured it would be 2 and a half hours long, but it wasn’t. It was seven billion cameos shoved into a 4-minute long video. 98% of the women in it, don’t need to be in it, but I guess it’s Taylor Swift’s way of telling us that she’s really, really popular and a bunch of famous, famous-ish (and not really famous-ish at all) people will be in her video if she asks them.

This video is what would end up in the toilet if Brit Brit’s video for “Toxic” gorged itself on The Hunger Games and washed it down with a glass of Katy Perry’s tears mixed with Kill Bill before barfing. Taylor Swift plays some kind of spy who gets double-crossed by her fellow spy played by Selena Gomez. Tay Tay is about as threatening as a sedated ladybug in a tutu and her badass face look like “I’m constipated but trying to be sexy” Selena Gomez is slightly more threatening than a sedated ladybug in a tutu and she looks like she’s starring as Velma Kelly in a kindergarten production of Chicago. Behold:

If a 12-year-old girl with millions of dollars and access to a camera crew and a whole lot of leather catsuits made a fun video of her and her girlfriends playing “spies” during her slumber party, that is what that video would look like. With that being said, Cindy Crawford and Mariska Hargitay look hot.