It’s already off to the damn races for the 2020 Oscars, and Elton John helped Taron Egerton launch his campaign to become Rami Malek 2.0 last night. Elton always throws a big Oscars bash since it’s his annual big dick contest with Madonna and her own Oscars bash. Taron, who is playing Elton in the upcoming Rocketman, actually sang “Tiny Dancer” at Elton’s party, and El was more than happy to oblige since Madge and Gaga’s publicity stunt couldn’t DARE be the news of the night.
Before Kunty Karl went off to the afterworld where, hopefully for him, there’s no sign of fats, tats, or shorties, he personally created a velvet pink 70s prom look for Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Jason Momoa to wear to the Oscars. But while I’m all for some 70s prom glamour, the real star of Jason’s ensemble was the must-have accessory of every 90s high school girl named Becca. Just in case Jason wanted to put his wild mane up into a man bun to keep his hair from whipping hos in the face as he drops it low on the dance floor, he wore a scrunchie on his wrist. A fucking FENDI scrunchie, thankyouverymuch. Although, it looks more like a discount scrunchie from a Claire’s circa 1995 with a Fendi logo lazily sewed on it (and now everybody’s cousin is going to take a discount scrunchie from Claire’s and lazily sew a Fendi logo onto it).
I have been rocking with Regina King ever since she played Brenda on 227 back in the day. My love for her only intensified when she voiced both Huey and Riley Freeman from my forever favorite series The Boondocks. However, last night she chalked the deuces up to whatever she played in before If Beale Street Could Talk because you can now add Academy Award Winner to her name after snagging the Best Supporting Actress award. And as you already know, King Regina is the master when it comes to acceptance speeches.
For the past twelve years, Madonna and her manager Guy Oseary have thrown an ULTRA EXCLUSIVO Oscars after-party at his mansion, and the guest list is supposedly tighter than her face and guests aren’t allowed to take pictures. Because you want to be able to snort a line off of your Oscar statue’s ass crack in peace without worrying about some trick taking a picture of it and tagging you on Instagram. Guests aren’t allowed to post pics from the party on their social media, but you better believe Madonna made sure that we all saw a pic of her arm around her one-time nemesis Lady Gaga, and no, she’s not choking that reductive bitch out. Not in the pic that was posted anyway.
When Rami Malek was announced as winner for Best Actor at the Academy Awards last night, I braced myself to cringe because I knew Freddie Mercury was not done meddling in the earthly affairs of Bohemian Rhapsody just yet. You see, throughout the evening, Freddie kept floating up to Rami and tweaking his little bow-tie so that it was never straight. However, I wasn’t expecting Freddie to push him off stage at the end of the show! But it’s the most logical explanation for Rami’s taking a big enough tumble to require paramedic assistance and miss getting his picture taken backstage with his fellow winners for acting, Regina King, Mahershala Ali, and Olivia Colman. Rami is fine, but his Bohemian Rhapsody journey has been wild as hell from beginning to end.
All the way up until this point I was expecting nothing but bad things from this year’s Oscars because there was no host lined up and the last time the Oscars went host-less it was an utter disaster. So, of course, I was prepared to drink and laugh all night at their epic failure because I’m a hater. But I was pleasantly surprised by how much better the show was without a host, and the ratings were up! However, since everything kicked off with the Holy Trinity of Maya Rudolph, Tina Fey and Amy Poelher I believe they somehow blessed the show with their monologue by doing just enough to entertain everyone and then getting the hell off of the stage before boredom took its seat in the front row.